Your Brain Rebalanced

Hi,

I am currently posting all updates on http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/ .  My blog is "I've been rebooting for over 1 year and 6 months...under the name starting over.

Empowerment

Long time no post....I was "off the wagon" for a while because I found a porn site that wasn't blocked by K9.  I finally took control of the situation when I put it on the block list my self.  Since then I've feel like I've been empowered.  I have so far had the easiest time refraining from porn, masturbation, fantasy and O, that I've ever had.  God willing that will continue.  Its amazing when one takes on control of themselves and their addiction vs. just being passive trying to recover.

3 Weeks

been about 3 weeks since I last viewed porn.  Interesting enough, the first pornographic image I downloaded way back when was of two women and hopefully my last viewing of porn was also of two women.

Haven't kicked masturbation...my goal was one day.  Check that yesterday.  My next goal is to get to a whole week.

Radio Show

Here is a link to Gary's (founder of Yourbrainonporn.com) radio show.  Talking about no "flapping" - http://archive.org/details/yourBrainInTheCybersexJungleShowNo.5

Been over a year...

...since I've been trying to get of of porn.  The good news is I am no longer masturbating and viewing porn everyday.  I was say I view porn once every two weeks.   I'm writing this because I just relapsed.  I remember how confident I was when I started this process.  I feel so low right now but I've come a long way since, I just can't see the good.

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever get my full erection back.  I want to be in a relationship and fulfill my partner sexually...how can I do either right now due to porn induced ED?

I also haven't been posting here.  I was posting at reuniting.info but they made a new site, yourbrainreblanced.com .  I don't like the site because I never get any feedback.

Feeling like shit right now...

I haven't posted in a few weeks...

...or have I :-)

To see what I've been up to check out - http://www.reuniting.info/blog/6631 .

I haven't had time to do both blogs....sorry

What Gives...?

So I woke up in the middle of the night or earlier this morning with a nocturnal erection, bigger than the ones I have had recently...my mind began to focus on it and I got excited but the minute I did the erection started to go down, I quickly reach down to touch it, to see if it was real, and it was, but the erection quickly faded.

This didn't happen with the past noctounral erection, which were firmer not necessarily bigger. It really only happens when I notice that my erection is becoming bigger than my Porn Induced minimal erection.

Whats the deal with that? Why is it that whenever I focus on having an erection it starts to go away. Am I shy from myself?

A good night tonight but...

......I remained depressed for some reason. I think this is the alcohol. Its such a depressant. Even though things went really well tonight, I'm down on myself.

I went to an art gallery tonight and I had some great interaction with women today. They really responded to me when I looked at them. They responded almost instantly and I did the same. One came over to where I was looking at a piece of art and started talking but I go very nervous and did really speak much. I think she got uncomfortable and walked away. I made up for it but approaching her and speaking to her for a bit. One woman and I kept exchanging some glances and when ever we passed each other gave big genuine smiles...she even seem a but shy by it and would quickly look away and look back while smiling. She did have the same guy with her the whole time though so we never spoke at length.

I was in a much calmer mind set tonight too. I had two prolonged conversations with one of the artists. I first saw her outside and she gave me this great smile and she said HI to each other. Later she came in and passed with with a huge smile looking right in my eyes, and I responded in kind. Later we had our first conversation. The first one I was much more comfortable. It felt really good. I was nervous yet calm. My mind wasn't racing. I wasn't in complete flirt mood but it worked. I messed up a little bit but she had a smile on the whole time. Later we spoke again. She did tell me to visit her were she works. I have to speak to my friend who ran the event first before I do.

I caught my self fantasying about her but not aggressive porn thoughts; they were about bonding behavior like laughing, talking, the first touch and kiss, etc.

The Big "F" Recount

So today is day 45 of no pm and day 48 of no o. However, there has barely been a day without the big F - Fantasy. Last night I had cravings and while there were some temptations to look at porn I brushed it aside. I have reach for my dick a few times over these 45 days but never more than a touch. So in terms of the p and the m, I'm fairly certain I've got them under control and my brain has becomes rewired to avoid them.

However, fantasies are killing me. I'm going to start tomorrow count Day 1 of no Fantasying. I've been fantasizing about every thing since I was a little kid. I had to, not a lot of friends and I have ADHD so. Its uniquely developed.

I am definitely getting dopamine hits from it. I noticed my fantasies just like porn, will start of light and then get super aggressive. And of course I'll get some what of an erection and will rub myself into my bed....so wait...that counts as masturbation right? Actually last night I was very close to cuming from doing that - EDGING, big no no.

So maybe I need to start tomorrow over be day one of no M and F. So tomorrow it will be no O - 48, no P 45 and no F and M day 1.

What do you guys think? I think its only fair to the process to count accurately. And what other tips do you have for fantasy...because I guess I still feel there is a part of me that thinks that fantasying is ok.

I did get new melatonin brands. This one is liquid drops. The other brand I had was to powerful I think. Hopefully that will help me sleep.

Almost relapsed...still might...

Sun, 2011-12-11 01:30 — StartingOver

...I couldn't sleep so I turned on the computer. I didn't look at porn, didn't need to. I looked a sexually suggestive picture. Tried to go to bed after that. One thing lead to another. My fantasies are intense enough where I am going dopamine hits, real solid ones. I'm going to try an watch some Hulu, take my mind off of it.

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