Tuesday, November 22, 2011
More Natural
So there is a woman from work I met. For some reason every woman I met with her particular name I have natural chemistry with. She isn't what you'd say our culture project as beautiful but I am attracted to her regardless.
While driving home tonight I was thinking about her and I got butterflies in my stomach (remember them) and I started to have a "more natural erection; just from those butterflies and from thinking about having sex with her. A more natural erection meaning, my erection in the past would only get hard enough to allow for ejacutlation. This time it "grew more naturally" - I don't know how else to explain it. When it got to the point where it would normally be find to ejaculate I did feel like cumin but I told myself "No, thats not what I am looking for, keep growing."
However, I did slow down because I don't want to fantasize to much.
While driving home tonight I was thinking about her and I got butterflies in my stomach (remember them) and I started to have a "more natural erection; just from those butterflies and from thinking about having sex with her. A more natural erection meaning, my erection in the past would only get hard enough to allow for ejacutlation. This time it "grew more naturally" - I don't know how else to explain it. When it got to the point where it would normally be find to ejaculate I did feel like cumin but I told myself "No, thats not what I am looking for, keep growing."
However, I did slow down because I don't want to fantasize to much.
Monday, November 21, 2011
Porn affected how I think about relationships
I've been watching some videos on the meaning of marriage and today I've begun to understand that porn hasn't just affected me physically (dopamine levels and ed) but also the way I view relationships.
A few blogs ago I mentioned how durning my pmfo days, talking to another guy I just met would have been seen as "gay". And why is it that I feel that if I see an attractive women, I go from the thought of talking to her and thinking that she'll be giving me head shortly later?
The porn has wrapped me to think that just because I am sexually attracted to her and therefor I have to immediately fuck her. Talk about about pressure! A woman dressing or behaving in an attractive way is her communicating no verbally (I think) - "approach me, learn more about me, get to know me and then you can have some fun with me." Or more to the point, "NOTICE ME! I'm here and human and would like to talk to you to, give me a chance and come talk to me."
I have to unlearn this concept from porn/movies/tv that you get to jump into bed with a woman 2 minutes after meeting them and its totally normal and no one has any sexual hang ups and don't forget no woman is ever having her period at that time. I've stopped watching tv but torward the end of last seasons Lost I watch a few minutes and of course, the guy meets the women, they got out for dinner and then he is getting out of her bed, all in the course of 2 minutes and 45 secs.
Its more than porn, its the whole hyper-sexualized culture we live in. Maybe thats why we have this need to jerk off to a woman just because we think she is hot. We need to start think "She is hot, let me give it a shot and talk to her regardless if she gives me positive or negative feedback, because I'd rather be doing it WITH her than doing it by myself thinking about her."
A few blogs ago I mentioned how durning my pmfo days, talking to another guy I just met would have been seen as "gay". And why is it that I feel that if I see an attractive women, I go from the thought of talking to her and thinking that she'll be giving me head shortly later?
The porn has wrapped me to think that just because I am sexually attracted to her and therefor I have to immediately fuck her. Talk about about pressure! A woman dressing or behaving in an attractive way is her communicating no verbally (I think) - "approach me, learn more about me, get to know me and then you can have some fun with me." Or more to the point, "NOTICE ME! I'm here and human and would like to talk to you to, give me a chance and come talk to me."
I have to unlearn this concept from porn/movies/tv that you get to jump into bed with a woman 2 minutes after meeting them and its totally normal and no one has any sexual hang ups and don't forget no woman is ever having her period at that time. I've stopped watching tv but torward the end of last seasons Lost I watch a few minutes and of course, the guy meets the women, they got out for dinner and then he is getting out of her bed, all in the course of 2 minutes and 45 secs.
Its more than porn, its the whole hyper-sexualized culture we live in. Maybe thats why we have this need to jerk off to a woman just because we think she is hot. We need to start think "She is hot, let me give it a shot and talk to her regardless if she gives me positive or negative feedback, because I'd rather be doing it WITH her than doing it by myself thinking about her."
Whoa...WHAT WAS THAT!
Ok...so...I took Marina's (the woman behind reuniting.info [Gary, her husband is the man behind reuniting.info and yourbrainonporn) advise and choose to return some attention when I get it (Also see the comment she made on the blog I posted before this one).
This one women in my office (not my company but the same office, its a shared office floor) and I always look at each other, occasionally say hello but thats about it, its always kind of awkward. Today, she was walking and talking too someone on her cell phone in the hall wall and she walked to my office door, stopped in front of my door, put her hand on her hip, twirled and then walked the other way. OK, Even I am not THAT dumb not to notice that and see it as a signal.
I finally made the decision that I am going to go over and just say "Hello" nothing more. So about 5 minutes ago, she walked past my office, I figured she was going to the kitchen (which I had to get some tissues so I had an excuse), so I got up and went there, KNOWING I was going be the "aggressor"...HOLY SHIT...as I started walking there my dick started tingling like you can't believe, I thought I was going to cum in my pants before I got to the kitchen! I saw her, said "Hello", she said hello back, I got my tissues (as we booth stood their awkwardly as there was a lot being unsaid [mostly by me]) and went back to my desk.
It felt great AND my dick is still sensitive!
Ppppphhhheeeewwww (big depth breath let out).
Morning Woes.
Last night when i was having urges I had an amazing experience praying to G-d for help, very spiritual experience. The rest of the night I had no issues.
This morning started out well but then my mind went hunting and I allowed it to do so. A small fantasy led it to others and finally thought of a woman who I desire enough that I started fantasying and edging by grinding into my bed. Spent way to much time doing that this morning. I didn't cum. When I came on line to write this I started "surfing" and I did have an urge to look at porn.
Today is 26 no pm(f) and 29 of no O. I am a little disappointed Reading about guys who relapse well into the process makes me nervous. During the sexual urges my mind gets so compulsive and obsessed on the fantasy they're isn't enough room my to remember about all the progress I've been making.
This morning started out well but then my mind went hunting and I allowed it to do so. A small fantasy led it to others and finally thought of a woman who I desire enough that I started fantasying and edging by grinding into my bed. Spent way to much time doing that this morning. I didn't cum. When I came on line to write this I started "surfing" and I did have an urge to look at porn.
Today is 26 no pm(f) and 29 of no O. I am a little disappointed Reading about guys who relapse well into the process makes me nervous. During the sexual urges my mind gets so compulsive and obsessed on the fantasy they're isn't enough room my to remember about all the progress I've been making.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Relapse Worry!
This morning I woke up with with aggressive sexual urges. I did grind a little bit in my bed. I can see why its easy to relapses, I just got the hint of wanted to cum and I realized I had to stop because I'm sensitive enough and don't want to risk it. The fantasy was based on a woman I meet in a bar years ago (another missed opportunity - and an important point, keep reading). The whole morning I wanted to "fuck" a woman. Yes some of of it is porn influenced (I haven't been looking at porn, more of a learned behavior I guess) but I think this is a urge I naturally have. I accepted that is one aspect of my sexuality and not its entirety, so I felt much more comfortable with it, so I went on with my day. I did notice that while I wasn't getting "full erections" by any stretch of imagination I do believe that there is more blood in my penis (harder) than before going abstience.
I went rock climbing again today. A good time, I felt good, but I didn't get the high from last time but I did tire myself out. I noticed I'm getting stronger. I can climb and hold longer.
I did notice some looks from women today which was nice. I had an awkward situation with one of them. Let me explain:
This woman and I were continually making glances at each other for a while. However, I'm not looking to get involved right now (various reasons). Additionally, I went with a friend today and wanted to focus on climbing. The woman eventually came over to where I was in the gym but with her male friend. MY friend, an issuance sales man, does his best to introduce himself to everyone, so he started talking to her friend about climbing and they got into their own conversation. At which point she turned her attention right at me. I can be shy but add the compounding confusion of her guy friend being right there, me not looking to get involved, among another things, I choose not to say anything. Due to this, I noticed her posture change, she was pissed, she wouldn't look at me. I was sad that I may have made her feel bad. However, when she was leaving we walked right past each other and she lip sealed smiled and I gave one back. She also looked back at me before she left. Very frustrating. (BTW, I know most of you are going to focus on this point of how I should have spoken to her, etc, etc, there are other issues at play her that I'm not going to speak about but it was a no go.)
I definitely did a mental scan of her body and her face. Its in my head. I realized as I am preparing for bed that those feelings of wanting to 'fuck' on turning towards her. Additionally, a lot of my masturbation and fantasy in the past has been based on missed opportunities - as if I am "doing" what I missed out on.
I don't want to relapse! Every time I push her out of my head, of course another woman from the gym pops in my head - if you've ever wondered where are the beautiful women are hiding (its ridiculous!). I have a database of 4 from today, LOL. This is why I mentioned a hotline! 1-800-HELP-ME-I'M-GOING-TO-JERK OFF - lol.
I went rock climbing again today. A good time, I felt good, but I didn't get the high from last time but I did tire myself out. I noticed I'm getting stronger. I can climb and hold longer.
I did notice some looks from women today which was nice. I had an awkward situation with one of them. Let me explain:
This woman and I were continually making glances at each other for a while. However, I'm not looking to get involved right now (various reasons). Additionally, I went with a friend today and wanted to focus on climbing. The woman eventually came over to where I was in the gym but with her male friend. MY friend, an issuance sales man, does his best to introduce himself to everyone, so he started talking to her friend about climbing and they got into their own conversation. At which point she turned her attention right at me. I can be shy but add the compounding confusion of her guy friend being right there, me not looking to get involved, among another things, I choose not to say anything. Due to this, I noticed her posture change, she was pissed, she wouldn't look at me. I was sad that I may have made her feel bad. However, when she was leaving we walked right past each other and she lip sealed smiled and I gave one back. She also looked back at me before she left. Very frustrating. (BTW, I know most of you are going to focus on this point of how I should have spoken to her, etc, etc, there are other issues at play her that I'm not going to speak about but it was a no go.)
I definitely did a mental scan of her body and her face. Its in my head. I realized as I am preparing for bed that those feelings of wanting to 'fuck' on turning towards her. Additionally, a lot of my masturbation and fantasy in the past has been based on missed opportunities - as if I am "doing" what I missed out on.
I don't want to relapse! Every time I push her out of my head, of course another woman from the gym pops in my head - if you've ever wondered where are the beautiful women are hiding (its ridiculous!). I have a database of 4 from today, LOL. This is why I mentioned a hotline! 1-800-HELP-ME-I'M-GOING-TO-JERK OFF - lol.
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Before you relapse watch THIS!
Before you relapse watch this. Two of the best scenes in movie history. Y
OU DO NEED TO PORN, IT DOESN'T HELP YOU! YOU HAVE A PURPOSE IN LIFE AND ITS NOT TO BE STUCK IN FRONT OF A COMPUTER!
A post from reuniting.info
Here is a post from someone who is on day 60!!!! I post it just so people can get another prospective besides my own.
Yes! Today we made it to day 60.
I'm proud. It's actually weird in a way, but as others mentioned before, after a while the abstaining just gets routine. The last 3 weeks or so seemed so easy, and my mind was so busy with other interesting things to do: music, study, exercising, getting out with friends, meeting new people...
These things defenitely help you in the process, and the fun part is that all these activities become even more intense as our brains now seek their dopamine rush in the little things.
I don't think it wasn't so much 'abstaining' in a strict sense after a while. A year ago I couldn't imagine that a human could make it without sex for so long, so easy.
For me this is a very interesting experiment. I believe I still can be triggered by porn though, even this week flashbacks seemed to come out of nowhere, but deliberately putting them off makes them disappear as fast as they turned up, and just seems the right thing to do.
I'm definetly a better man right now. Before all this, I was planning to work on my flawed social skills in the future. I'm not saying I'm the alpha male all of a sudden, and there is still work to be done on that area, but man, I feel much more comfortable with myself and with others nowadays. Beautiful.
I'm proud. It's actually weird in a way, but as others mentioned before, after a while the abstaining just gets routine. The last 3 weeks or so seemed so easy, and my mind was so busy with other interesting things to do: music, study, exercising, getting out with friends, meeting new people...
These things defenitely help you in the process, and the fun part is that all these activities become even more intense as our brains now seek their dopamine rush in the little things.
I don't think it wasn't so much 'abstaining' in a strict sense after a while. A year ago I couldn't imagine that a human could make it without sex for so long, so easy.
For me this is a very interesting experiment. I believe I still can be triggered by porn though, even this week flashbacks seemed to come out of nowhere, but deliberately putting them off makes them disappear as fast as they turned up, and just seems the right thing to do.
I'm definetly a better man right now. Before all this, I was planning to work on my flawed social skills in the future. I'm not saying I'm the alpha male all of a sudden, and there is still work to be done on that area, but man, I feel much more comfortable with myself and with others nowadays. Beautiful.
No girlfriend yet, but I'm not interested in a relationship right now. As you can read in my other entries, I've gone through some serious doubts about my sexuality the last year. Porn triggered some weird viewing behaviour, for unforeseen and absurd material, which I now all see as an acquired taste.
So I think I need to give myself some time to getting close to women. It seems more fun to interact with women nowadays though. And I believe it's getting better.
So I think I need to give myself some time to getting close to women. It seems more fun to interact with women nowadays though. And I believe it's getting better.
One of the few confusing parts right now are the sexually tinted dreams. Sometimes they cover an early porn scene or really weird stuff. Other times I'm dreaming that I couldn't hold it anymore and relapsed. But I read some advice over here to not give them too much attention. I think that's important. I don't believe dreams reveal an ultimate truth. I do think they bring aspects of inner conflict to the surface, like abstaining from porn is.
someday
Well to tell you the truth :-)A friend of mine was taken aback by my behavior today. I was so happy and outgoing...I even "look better". He wanted to know what was going on with me. Did I get engaged? Well to tell you the truth...I've stopped masturbating, looking at porn, thinking about sex and orgasming. LOL. I didn't tell him that but just said things are good.
A friend of mine was taken aback by my behavior today. I was so happy and outgoing...I even "look better". He wanted to know what was going on with me. Did I get engaged? Well to tell you the truth...I've stopped masturbating, looking at porn, thinking about sex and orgasming. LOL. I didn't tell him that but just said things are good.
Well Actually...
A friend of mine asked me "whats going on?!" He said I'm seem so much happier and I look better, he asked if I got engaged....haha. Um well no, actually... I stopped masturbating. LOL!
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