No TV For You! :-)

Someone emailed me on reuniting about why I feel that I am better off not owning and watching tv.  Here is my ramble:
-------------------------


You mean besides not having to watch the Giants get mutilated by the Saints? LOL!

There are a lot of reasons:

TV isn't interactive.  When one watches tv they are passive, just accepting what ever it tells and shows you.  You are like a drone.  I used to get sucked in watching it and the hours would just pass away.  It was just easier to sit their and accept the stimuli it gave me rather than going out and creating my own (a lot like porn right? Just accepting the images they show you for sex rather then going out and finding your own lover).

TV gave me a false impression and expectation about how life is or suppose to be.  In tv everything works out in the end and it only takes an hour for everyone to get rich, fall in love, etc.  Truth is, life is a lot of hard work, things don't go as planned and you have to deal with and over come a lot of bullshit.

Women are nothing like they portray on tv.  Heck, most men are nothing like they present on tv (women don't like guys like the guys in sitcoms).

I used to get sucked in to the political shows, since I stopped watching them I stopped getting emotional involved with politics and I am so much happier.  With sports, once you stop watching, eventually you see a game again and notice most of the players couldn't give a shit about doing well when they play.  If they don't care, why am I investing so much of my own energy.  Tonight, I'm going to soccer with some friends, good chance if I had a tv, I might have a reason not to go.

Most of all, I feel that I think more clearly with out it.  Don't get me wrong I spend to much time on the computer (haha) but I'm working on that too.

I went home for Thanksgiving and of course I ended up on the couch watching tv.  I watched some interesting stuff but seriously, I could have done so much more with that time.   Have you ever seen kids watching tv?  Its scary.  Their eye get huge and they just sit their in a trance.  Its not good.  You are giving completely strangers, with an agenda, open access to your brain.

I could ramble for a while more but does that help?

Good Article

Check out this information about erections, dopamine and testosterone.  I remember when I first started having ED problems I had my checked testosterone and I was fine.

http://yourbrainonporn.com/testosterone-necessary-nocturnal-erections-waking-erections-depend-dopamine

Amazing Feeling!

Before I committed my self to abstaining from PMFO, when I first visited YBOP and Reuniting, I read some people's blog that would talk about how women were flashing smiles at them...FIRST.  Honestly, it sounds like one of those "Pick Up Artists" gimmicks but then I realized that YBOP and Reuniting are selling anything and these guys are also admitting how they were addicted to iron and lost the ability to get health erections...soooo...I suspended disbelief.

Today, day 34, I got my FRIST completely unexpected random smile from a woman I didn't know.  And it was AMAZING!

I was riding the elevator up to see the Doctor I do my nurofeedback training with (he is on a floor with a bunch of other doctors).  Anyway, this older, yet very attractive, woman was riding the elevator with me.  Now I wasn't wearing my fanciest clothes, I did get a new haircut, I wasn't flirting with her...actually I was drinking a snapple andI couldn't wait to get to the floor so I could go to the bathroom (not super sexy feeling).  After I finished taking a gulp, I notice out of the corner of my eye that she is looking right at me!  I look at her (almost in disbelief) and she gives me a smile!

Now this is where no PMFOing came in because you now what?  I smiled back!   While I was pmfoing I would have just ducked my head.

After my smile back, their was awkward silence, so I took the additional step to flirt a bit by reading to her the "Real Fact" which listed under the Snapple bottle cap.  I have it as I type this - "#741 Plants, like humans, can run a fever, if they are sick."   She had a good laugh and we got out and went to our separate appointments.

Now THIS IS where it gets amazing.  In the nurofeedback training, the warm up program that the doctor starts with, is like testing you "zen".  He puts a devise on you finger which measures your pulse.  The program tells you to breath a certain way and to think positive thoughts.  The devise has a success metric and it tells you how you are doing based on the colors red, blue and green.  Red is bad, blue is ok and green is good.  I am on level 2, which is actually NOT an easy level.   Recently, I am about 40% red 40%green and 20% blue  The program tells you in the beginning to think of a positive emotion, so I choice the feeling of the woman smiling at me.  

I did SO WELL, that the doctor told me that I must have some secret weapon!  I laughed and told him I did without telling him what.  I did about 87% green, with very little red.  I was feeling SO good you can't believe it!  Heck, I wouldn't believe it had I not experienced it.

Ok, now I'm going to get a bit religious with you but it has a point.  This experience reminded me of two things I learned recently from two very important spiritual leaders.

First, is "Think good and it will be good".   Now of course thats simple enough, but there was a whole lesson that went along with it which made its such more intense message.

And second is, was about marriage and the relationship between men and women, which is:  That Adam, the first man, was created from "nothingness" and their for man has  in his psychological DNA the memory of being "nothing", which  is why men have  a fragile ego and is also trying so hard to active because they have this fear of being nothing.  Eve, on the other hand, was created from Adam, was created from "something", and therefor they don't have this fear of being nothing.   The lesson, was to tell women to treat their man like he is something and for the a man never to degrade his woman (as women know they are something, that want to be a highly valued something, not a lowly something).

The reason I bring this up, is because it felt so good to be recognized by that woman in the elevator as SOMETHING...and something worth enough to express a positive expression to!  It improved my whole day!  After she did that I wanted to give her something, anything, even something as simple as what it said on my snaffle bottle cap.  And when she laughed it felt great again!

Its important that we find women who make us feel good...like something...because a good woman helps us "Think Good" and so life "will be good" or at least a lot better.  And its important for us, as we get over this addiction and to NEVER degrade our women like they do in porn.  We should be givers, not takers.  Make them felt like the greatest thing in the world, 10 out of 10!

Anyway, I had to express that...sorry for any Apple Autocorrect confusion, bad grammar or over enthusiasm.  I also am doing my best to be off the computer by 8 so Good night all.

Tidbits

1. Yesterday I went into the bathroom and for the first time in a long time I had stage fright.  There was only one urinal and a much larger man had just finished using it.  I was going to go pee but part of me said "I'm not peeing in front of him."  In addition, he didn't leave the bathroom.  He seemed to be just standing there, so I wouldn't let myself pee. I felt humiliated.  I kept thinning that he was thinking "Ha, he can't pee in front of me."   I looked over to him briefly like "What the F*ck"?  When I finally gave up and let the urinal, he explained his belt broke and was trying to fix it.  Maybe there was nothing wrong with me, just an instinct that the guy was not to be trusted and not to let my guard down by peeing.  That every happen to anyone else?

2. Interesting, I'm starting to go through the "process of elimination" of the women from my office, in terms of who I'm, going to have a crush on.   Its kind of like seeing straighter :-)  Some are to as attractive as I thought they were, some of their behavior is a turn off, etc.  Some of them are more attractive some days than others.  But its more based on "natural" attractive and rather than that weird feeling I had toward women when I was watching porn.

3. I notice that I am being more aggressive in terms of checking women the last few days, while at the same time keeping the porn related thoughts out of my head.  I used to feel ashamed by checking out women.  Now that I've eliminated pmfo, I can just appreciate a beautiful woman for being beautiful with out "pornoizing" them, and that feels great.  Now its like, "Yes thats right, I'm checking you out, because I find you attractive."  I also feel like if they were to catch me checking them out I would be more comfortable smiling at them or saying Hi, where as with PMFO I would turn and shy away.  However, yesterday a VERY attractive woman noticed me and started to smile but I will admit, I was totally intimated and looked away.   :-(   However, I do remind myself not to leer.

4.  I HAD DREAMS LAST NIGHT.  Not wet dreams but vivid dreams.  In one of the dreams I did make out with a woman.  We kept talking and talking and finally I had to kiss her and I knew she wanted me to kiss too.  It was  nice dream.  I also had another dream where someone told me about a potential date, so I went to where the woman worked to check her out.  Guess where she worked?  In a Meat Market!  LOL.

5.  This morning I fantasized and rubbed my self only BRIEFLY.  Like for a split moment and I argued against myself not to do so.  Its so much easier to get out of bed when I don't F and M. Also, last night when I started in with the fantasies, I scolded myself.  I said either I engage in the real stuff or I don't engage in anything at all!  I was able to go to be a lot easier after that.

Anyway, today is day 34 and 37 of no O.  Things are looking good but I am taking one day at a time and thats it.

Good Moring

This morning was good. I got into bed last night around 9:45pm. Didn't fall asleep until at least 11pm. I woke up earlier than I have in a while. I did have a brief case of the fantasies and briefly rubbed myself into my bed but stop shortly after. I felt it was a nice sign of self control. I'm feeling really good right now. I'm not on a high, just feeling more heavy and relaxed and in control; where before I felt as light as a feather just going where ever the wind took me.

Oh and my arms are shot. LOL. Its a struggle to type. But its great to have arm muscles from something besides death grip masturbation LOL

32 days

Today is 32 days of no pmo (and working on the F). Really can't believe how fast these days have gone by...I couldn't even imagine blogging on day 32; I figured I'd be a complete basket case. To my amazement, I am far from a basket case, I am actually in better control of my self then I've been in a long time.

Today, I finally got to go rock climbing after not doing so for a week. It is so challenging, its great. It challenges not just your body but your mind and emotions as well. One really has to work on their composure while climbing. When I look at the best climbers at the gym, they are in a very tranquil state while climbing. Its inspiring.

Something odd happened today after climbing. I noticed while driving home I wasn't "happy" like I usually am afterwards. I started to think about why and I noticed that many of my irrational sexual impulses/urges that I developed from PMFO sprouted at times durning and after rock climbing. But at the same time, I was uncomfortable having them and wouldn't engage them with my thought, speech and action, I just pushed them aside and focused on my task at hand. Maybe the dopamine increases I got from climbing was like "clearing out the nest". All of these irrational sexual feelings boiled up that have been dormant for the most part durning the last 32 days. Like cleaning, you have to scrub hard to bring up the dirt so it can be swept away. Maybe that is what I was doing by increasing my dopamine through healthy means and refusing to engage this impulses/urges, just brushed them aside.

There are lots of attractive women at the gym. Its nice to be able to see beautiful women and not have the anxiety I had while pmfo-ing. I was just able to appreciate their beauty without having to go through in the irritability caused by PMFOing. And I exchanged a few flirtatious looks with a few of them but that was it, it didn't need to be more, it was just...nice. When PMFOing, you can't just have a nice visual enhance with a woman; Porn tells you that your just a complete failure if you didn't get her to come back to your room and have crazy sex. Tell you the truth, I feel more confident with those few visual exchanges then from many of the sexual encounters I've had in the past.

I'm really looking forward to having a sexual relationship with a woman. Someone told me about a women today. I still have to wait back to hear more. We'll see.

2 Steps Forward, 1 Giants Step Back

So am going to be leaving my parents house soon. Here is a recap, 1 step forward is I didn't masturbating since I've been, which could be a first, as I've live in that house since I was about 8 years old.

The 2nd step forward, after a Friday night community gathering, I walked right up to a woman to speak to her.  We've spoken in the past briefly but we are always eye flirting when we see each other.  I said to myself when I saw her that I am going to walk right up to her later, no matter if she is talking to other people (which is a huge first for me because I always used that as an excuse), and I did!  I decided to do so because I didn't just want to eye flirt; I wanted to bring it into reality (like we are doing by getting off of porn and focusing on real life).  But I knew I wasn't going to force it as I had to speak to a few other people first.  I also told my self, that if there was a reason outside of my control that would prevent me from speaking to her, I wouldn't awefulize it, rather it just wasn't meant to be. The conversation last a few minutes.  It was nice, we laughed.  Her friend and her brother was there.  Interesting, I felt all my sex triggers were turned off.  Maybe that because they were other people there or maybe my mind wanted to just focus on talking (which was probably for the best).  I felt good about it afterwards because I went up to a women after psyching myself up to do so.  Do you know how many times I've bailed in the past after telling myself the similar things? - MILLIONS :-)   Maybe because isolated it.  I was going to go to to her then, nothing more.  It wasn't, "I'm going to talk to her, and then later, I'll get her number and then I'll fuck her!"  It was just a conversation with a woman I'm attracted to, with no preconditions.

1 giant step backwards was I COULDN'T STOP FANTASYING, especially all of Friday!  Its a miracle I didn't masturbate. t couldn't sleep last night, as the fantasies got more and more intense.  I am assume I was upping the dopamine each time.  However, come to think about it, I didn't masturbate or rub myself while I was fantasies, which is a plus.  However much penis was very sensitive.  I felt like I could have cum with out any touching or having an erection.  I did do some air thrusts but stopped, as I thought I could cum just from that.  Is that strange?

So I guess this holiday weekend was 2 and 1/2 steps forward (as I didn't rub myself while fantasizing) and 1 fairly large step backwards (fantasying).  Do I just have to get the fantasying out of my system?  I have noticed that since I've woke up from a midday nap, today  I haven't fantasied at all.  I am heading into the flatline people are always talking about?  What is the flatline stage?

And God willing I am going climbing tomorrow...YAHOOOOO!!!

From Friday

Today is day 30 of no PMF and its ben 33 days since my last O. All day my urges to M and O have come on strong. Being at home at my parents home for Thanksgiving and the weekend. I'm bored and lonely. I need some excitement. I didn't climb this week. I miss it. Cant wait for Sunday so I can climb. I really do need a girlfriend but I can tell that my I'm not ready for it yet. I'll take more aggressive approach when I start seeing more improvement. I want to start seeing morning wood erections. I also wants to see myself get full healthy erections before making a move. I don't want to hold myself back but I also don't want to rush it.

Great Comment!

This is a GREAT comment written by a blogger on Reuniting.info

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You're looking for an excuse to PMO.

I know because I've been there bro. Your brain/reward circuitry will try everything it can for you to PMO.

This can come out in things like:

- 'This is the last time I look at Porn' Evvverr. (And then it's NOT)
- 'I'll only look at a couple a sites and I'll only look'
- T'hat chick was so hot, I need some relief'
- 'Ok I'm trying to quit and I fucked up but hey, I can have a 3 strikes policy right...maybe THIS time doesnt even really count?' (It DOES)

and a common 1 (for me anyway)
- 'all my friends have hot ass girlfriends/sex/etc...I DESERVE to look at Porn...why douldn't I have some pleasure??...and you only have 1 life right? what's the harm? and besides, it's the LAST time, I'm in control of this!'

NO YOU AREN'T, It's another TRICK your brain is playing on you!

OR what you are doing HERE:

- 'My friend can have sex like 6 times including masturbation... i rarely masturbate so maybe my problem isn't the porn but something else, wtf, maybe I should just PMO and it'll feel good (with the subtext: and I can be as hard for as long as I want, perfect control)'

DON'T DO IT! DON'T M TO P...ESP *RIGHT NOW*... IT'S A TRICK, A LIE.

Living in the past can lead to depression and living in the future can lead to anxiety but living in the PRESENT can lead to PEACE.

Sensitivity

I noticed that my penis had a lot more sensitivity this morning, and that was just from naturally brushing it while rolling over. I fought the urge to fantasize and to prevent myself from rubbing myself into the bed. I wasn't successfully. My fantasies, as most often, are about missed opportunities and wow do I have a lot of them. During the fantasies I do find my self trying to fight against them. Even though the "skin" seems sensitive, I didn't get an erection.

Often during fantasying an during my PMO days, I often found my self putting myself in the role of the woman. I often found this easier and more relaxing and I could cum quicker. If you look at most porn the man is the work horse not showing an outward sign of enjoyment and the woman is just sitting back and have a great experience. Hello, who wouldn't want to be the one not having to do much and just take pleasure. Truth is though, I'm straight and would much rather be the one giving pleasure.

This morning I fought myself from fantasying as the women, when in the past I would and would cum very quickly (mostly because I would relax). I think I did that because I think it is a bit painful to think of myself as the guy with a hard on but I don't have one (I need to start putting a lot less pressure on myself and just know that the erections are GOING to come back it just going to take a little time). What is also odd, is I used to often fantasize about being a woman (often a missed connection) sleeping with myself. I think a lot of that also has to do with loneliness. Making myself my own hook up - how pathetic.

Last night I went to be realizing that I am very lonely. A lot of my porn viewing was to due my (self imposed) loneliness for sure. It was easier than taking the risk of being rejected, even when you know they woman likes you. Why? Relationships are "involving". Porn is a simulation of just the good stuff. Relationships, even when its just friends with benefits, takes some sort of effort and attachment. Its easier to just secluded yourself to your bedroom, watch porn, be depressed...it takes not effort. Since being abstinent (no pmfo), I really one to be WITH a woman both sexually and as a friend.

I am at my parents for Thanksgiving, its amazing how many old urges come back. I'm proud I haven't given in. If I don't give in here, I will most likely not give in anywhere.