I haven't posted in a few weeks...

...or have I :-)

To see what I've been up to check out - http://www.reuniting.info/blog/6631 .

I haven't had time to do both blogs....sorry

What Gives...?

So I woke up in the middle of the night or earlier this morning with a nocturnal erection, bigger than the ones I have had recently...my mind began to focus on it and I got excited but the minute I did the erection started to go down, I quickly reach down to touch it, to see if it was real, and it was, but the erection quickly faded.

This didn't happen with the past noctounral erection, which were firmer not necessarily bigger. It really only happens when I notice that my erection is becoming bigger than my Porn Induced minimal erection.

Whats the deal with that? Why is it that whenever I focus on having an erection it starts to go away. Am I shy from myself?

A good night tonight but...

......I remained depressed for some reason. I think this is the alcohol. Its such a depressant. Even though things went really well tonight, I'm down on myself.

I went to an art gallery tonight and I had some great interaction with women today. They really responded to me when I looked at them. They responded almost instantly and I did the same. One came over to where I was looking at a piece of art and started talking but I go very nervous and did really speak much. I think she got uncomfortable and walked away. I made up for it but approaching her and speaking to her for a bit. One woman and I kept exchanging some glances and when ever we passed each other gave big genuine smiles...she even seem a but shy by it and would quickly look away and look back while smiling. She did have the same guy with her the whole time though so we never spoke at length.

I was in a much calmer mind set tonight too. I had two prolonged conversations with one of the artists. I first saw her outside and she gave me this great smile and she said HI to each other. Later she came in and passed with with a huge smile looking right in my eyes, and I responded in kind. Later we had our first conversation. The first one I was much more comfortable. It felt really good. I was nervous yet calm. My mind wasn't racing. I wasn't in complete flirt mood but it worked. I messed up a little bit but she had a smile on the whole time. Later we spoke again. She did tell me to visit her were she works. I have to speak to my friend who ran the event first before I do.

I caught my self fantasying about her but not aggressive porn thoughts; they were about bonding behavior like laughing, talking, the first touch and kiss, etc.

The Big "F" Recount

So today is day 45 of no pm and day 48 of no o. However, there has barely been a day without the big F - Fantasy. Last night I had cravings and while there were some temptations to look at porn I brushed it aside. I have reach for my dick a few times over these 45 days but never more than a touch. So in terms of the p and the m, I'm fairly certain I've got them under control and my brain has becomes rewired to avoid them.

However, fantasies are killing me. I'm going to start tomorrow count Day 1 of no Fantasying. I've been fantasizing about every thing since I was a little kid. I had to, not a lot of friends and I have ADHD so. Its uniquely developed.

I am definitely getting dopamine hits from it. I noticed my fantasies just like porn, will start of light and then get super aggressive. And of course I'll get some what of an erection and will rub myself into my bed....so wait...that counts as masturbation right? Actually last night I was very close to cuming from doing that - EDGING, big no no.

So maybe I need to start tomorrow over be day one of no M and F. So tomorrow it will be no O - 48, no P 45 and no F and M day 1.

What do you guys think? I think its only fair to the process to count accurately. And what other tips do you have for fantasy...because I guess I still feel there is a part of me that thinks that fantasying is ok.

I did get new melatonin brands. This one is liquid drops. The other brand I had was to powerful I think. Hopefully that will help me sleep.

Almost relapsed...still might...

Sun, 2011-12-11 01:30 — StartingOver

...I couldn't sleep so I turned on the computer. I didn't look at porn, didn't need to. I looked a sexually suggestive picture. Tried to go to bed after that. One thing lead to another. My fantasies are intense enough where I am going dopamine hits, real solid ones. I'm going to try an watch some Hulu, take my mind off of it.

• StartingOver's blog
 
• Quote

Last Note before bed

THose old urges started coming back. I noticed, I'm on the computer at 1:40am. Nothing good can come from that. I'm shutting it the moment I hit post comment.

Friday night through Saturday Night

Last night I had more to drink then I usually do. Couldn't fall a sleep. When I woke up I was very tired. Unfortunately, I spent to much time in bed fantasying and edging, so my day started off very late.

I went to the tell end of a singles event. The women seemed into me but I felt to closed off to do anything. There was one woman I really wanted to go up to but I think inside the fear of rejection was there. But I also felt uncomfortable. Someone I knew ran it, an the one of the first "check you out" looks I got was from his wife. That through me for a loop and messed up my mojo. All I saw were dude going up to the girls, spend a few minutes talking and then gone, another one was in. There was one I should have approached but didn't. Women don't want you to "check them out" for too long, they want to see, want and approach. She gave me such a smile and tranced look....bad on me...but you know what, I didn't go into there with the right attitude. Those people were there to meet someone...I was just there.

I also found out tonight that the woman I took out did think we were a match but the woman that set us up really stress how she felt I was a great date, and she really enjoyed it. I'm cool with that but I was had be questions to.

Anyway, just got home.

Good night

Masturbation Strike

Written by someone on Reuniting.info....

Masturbation Strike

18FridayNov 2011

Posted by dangerandplay in Uncategorized

Guys who think about game is a subculture, and like other subcultures, certain fads spread. The latest is a masturbation strike. That is, guys are wondering if masturbating sucks away their manly life force.

As it happens, I once went seven weeks without masturbating. Some undoubted and noticeable changes happen.

“Six weeks from now, you’ll start eye fucking the lunch ladies”

I was 17 years old and in Basic Training when the Drill Sgt. told our entire platoon that our entire conception of attractiveness would change. As children often do, we laughed at our mentor. As time often shows, our mentor was right.

One myth about Basic Training is that the cooks put saltpeter in the water supply. It’s a plausible myth because, being teenage boys, we went from masturbated several times daily to not achieving erections for several weeks. There must be something in the water.

The truth is far less interesting.

When you’re up at 4 a.m. each day (on Sunday you could sleep in until 5 a.m.), being screamed at and moving non-stop, you don’t have the energy for an erection. It’s natures way of saying the weak and tired shouldn’t breed.

Eventually your body adapts to the stress, your cortisone levels drop, and your testosterone levels spike. Waking up to a hard on, once taken from granted, is a gift from god.

There’s still a problem. When 64 guys are sharing a bathroom and floor space, there’s no safe place to masturbate. You have a sex drive without a release, and everything changes.

The cafeteria ladies – beasts that made your average lunch lady look like California dimes – do start looking attractive. Suddenly you’re staring at their XXXXXL, cottage-cheese dimpled asses. You imagine suckling from their sagging mammaries.

Eventually you’re on fireguard duty at 2 a.m. with just another soldier. Everyone else is sleep. You can finally find the privacy to masturbate.

You know what you beat off to?

The Sears catalog.

Unlike many of you, I did not grow up on Internet porn. Even so, it’d at least take Cinemax After Dark to arouse me.

Yet when you hadn’t masturbated in almost two months, a woman in a bra and underwear will do it for you.

Not masturbating offers many benefits.

First, it will force you out into the game. If you know you won’t watch porn or self-release, then your body will compel you to seek a release. You will be an approach machine.

Second, it will force you to bang women not of pornstar quality. I tell guys who don’t like vegetables, “Stop eating. In 36 hours, you’ll eat your vegetables.” Stop beating off, you’ll devour formerly unpalatable girls.

Third, if you have a girlfriend, you’ll have huge loads to shoot on and inside of her. Sperm contains chemicals that fight female depression and increase pair bonding. The bigger the loads you give her, the better.

Finally, it will give you heightened senses. Your body exists to reproduce. When you have a full sack of sperm, your body goes on high alert. Colors seem more vivid and sharp. Food seems to have a stronger smell. Your step seems lighter, and your body rapidly marches you onward to some destination.

Going a week without masturbation will lead to more energy and more lays, and therefore earns an unqualified recommendation.

Date Recap

Thu, 2011-12-08 21:53 — StartingOver

OK, I know I am breaking my new goal to not use the computer before bed but I wanted to share with you the details of my date before I went to bed. Before you got all hot and heavy, nothing happened. It was an arranged date and there are "rules".

Anyway, the woman who set up the date really stressed how important it was to have my car in tip top shape. My car is from 1995, I've had it since high school (I'm not rich so I haven't gotten a new one). I recently spilled coffee on the passenger side seat and knew I should get it cleaned up but I had also seen a picture of the girl and I knew she wouldn't care. However, I stopped by the car wash to see if they could shampoo it but most importantly if it would be dry by the time I left work. The guy assured me it would be; against my better judgement I listened. It wasn't dry by 4 so I got on the phone with the rental car service and arranged for a rental.

I got to the rental place and clicked with the guys behind the counter quickly (I could never had been so friendly with strangers during my PMO days). Anyway, so they didn't have the car I requested (the cheapest), so he upgrade to a midsize, however when they brought it up front, one of the rim was broken and the tire was leaking air. With no other cars left in that range, what else could they do? They upgraded me...to a FORD MUSTANG! YEAA BABY!!!

I felt like the coolest guy in the neighborhood picking her up in that car. She played it off like she didn't care but when we returned to the car for at the end of the date and I opened the car door for her, she was like "wow, this is like a once in a life time experience. Having someone open the car door of a Mustang for me on a date!" I gave a high five to God for that one.

Anyway, the date went ok for a first date. My physical attraction to her was a natural attraction rather than a "PMO" days attraction. When I looked at her for a bit to see "what angle would I take to kiss her" (even though I wasn't), I realized that not all women are built to be porn fucked. She was on the smaller side, with thin lips...an approach to her would have to be easy at first....the type of physical approach that builds a passionate connection. I did that once with a woman a long time ago who had a similar built. That was some intense sexual sessions we had back then, using the same approach.

We struggled a bit to get to know each other. We weren't totally on the same page. Talked over each a bit (I talked to much as I was excited). I didn't really like that she didn't really "do her self up" but that was I was expecting from the picture. Could be a confidence thing on her part.

I was really excited be out with a woman and she was nice. Plus, I didn't have the sexual pressure that I had in the past from watching porn, where the whole date was a build up on how am I going to make a move and get her to my bedroom where I will then have to explain why I can't get an erection...lol.

Not focusing on the sex part was really nice. So I do know that the feelings I had, at times, during the date of wanting to physically bond with her were genuine. At one point driving her home (after she made the door comment), I said to my self "oh this is what this feels like" when I had that "feeling" in side when you want to press yourself up against another human but an affectionate way...in a natural way a UNPORN-O-FIED way.

Anyway, it was a nice date. The only thing I am thinking about now is, can I accept her for being her. Is my attraction really just more of a lowly male feeling of "ah a female! I shall make her mine!" or was I really into her for who she is? And you know what I just realized...those questions Are So F-ING HEALTHY!!!!!! I'm not sitting her analyzing --- I should have made this move? I could said this? I'm back in my room all alone, I fucked up she's not into me, she probably fucking some other guy now, I'm so stupid! How dare she not come back here and suck my dick"

So there is another benefit No PM"F"O, it helps you think like an adult...who would have guessed?

Morning of day 42

I was so tired last night and was like 90% ready to sleep but couldn't get the next 10%.  I woke up and got some chamomile tea...I realized I must of went to sleep the moment I hit the bed because I knock over the chamomile tea this morning.  LOL.   I noticed that when I woke up around 5am to turn o the fan that I had a nocturnal erection, OH YEA, 3 days in a row; I remained calm about it, just taking one day at a time.

However, I just can't go to bed on time and wake up on time.  I hit the buzzer from 5:30am to about 8:45am.  One of the learned ways to wake myself up is to think about sex, so today I thought about aggressive sex and did rub myself in my bed.  I had hardness to my penis but not a full erection.   I finally got out of bed when I notice I was start to get the hint I could cum.  The horniness stayed with me in the shower were I noticed I started to stroke myself and I stopped.

Argh.  One of the problems is I'm on the computer at before I go to bed.  Usually to give a end of the day blog.  But the computer scrambles the brain making it harder to sleep.  Bit I know if I write my blog down for the morning I'll most likely never post it.

Hmmmmmmm...I have to rethink my priorities.  Blog posting or have  a good sleep :-)

Trip down memory lane

Went rock climbing.  Great way to clear your head.  I had a much easier time appreciating the women their without the "porn interference" (as with my last post, having cleared up the fact I don't want to "porn fuck" but rather want a companion.  Appreciating now is much easier now.

However, I noticed a few things.  I've always been shy around women, more often than not.  Like I don't want a woman know I'm looking at her, so I tend to look away when she looks back.  This happened today.  A bit of back and forth and later as she walked by when I was preparing to leave, she gave me ample excuse to look back but I didn't, even though I knew she was looking for it.  Why couldn't I just give her the satisfaction of know I'm checking her out?

I was trying to figure out why this is.  At first I was thinking it was "shame".  The part of me was looking at them like porn and if anyone saw me looking at pored I'd be ashamed/look away.  So because I'm so used to looking at them in the scoop of porn, I got used to looking away.   Make sense?  But then I realized it goes deeper than that because I was always like that.  Even when I was really young for some reason I thought it was really bad for a girl to know that I like her.  I remember when I was in elementary school my mom was taking me to the house of my crush and I begged her to cover my mouth with her hand when we spoke to them because I knew I wouldn't be able to keep myself from smiling around her...and I thought it would be a bad if the girl saw me smiling.   I don't know where I learned that from.

I do remember one horrifying time where my worst nightmare came true.  It was my 7th grade trip to Washington DC.  For some reason I got placed in the group with all the popular girls.  It was nerve racking and a dream come true.  I finally got to speak with them and flirt with them.  There was one in particular.  We got along so well, it was amazing.  And we were flirting we each other and inseparable.  It was so obvious they everyone knew.  Some guys came over and made fun that I was flirting with her so much. I had to keep face that I denied it.  Eventually a girl friend of mine came over to talk and asked me if I liked her, and I didn't want to admit it, but finally I did.  I didn't realize that the most popular girl was right behind us and the very moment I said yes, she came out of no where and look at me in shock, "WHAT?! OH MY G-D! No way, I have to tell her"; her voice and face was as to say - "are you out of your mind. What a joke."   She and the other popular girls ran over to the girl I was flirting with and started laughing as hard as they could and making fun of me liking her.  The girl I was flirting...she just made a look of like - "Uuukkk! Disgusting."  These days I don't blame her, what could she have done...talk about your peer pressure.

I yelled at my friend who got me to say I like her (but she genuinely didn't know the other girl was listening and was going to do what she did but I didn't believe her at the time).  I was so humiliated, I wanted to cry, a voice inside even told me, better to cry than do what you are about to do...which was, refusal to let them see me cry, I hardened my soul and I vowed never to let or show a girl I liked her again.  It was a pretty lonely trip after that.  

Interesting yet, when ever women would flirt with me after that, I never believe it, I always thought was were just messing with me...I often took signs of no interest as interest because well, at least they weren't playing with my head by flirting with me.  There were so many times I didn't make moves because well, "they aren't interested in me, they're flirting with me."  Don't get me wrong, there were times I flirted, and had a girlfriend here or there but...you get the point.

It sad that we allow these things that happen when we are young to affect us like they do.  Porn was a lot easier then a girl "pretending" to like you.  You don't have that emotional vulnerability that comes with having a real relationship.  Porn is the worst because the "hot girl" is still be fucked by some other guy and you still at home jerking off, watching it - even sadder.

Anyway, I have a date tomorrow night.  It was arranged through someone else.  I haven't met her yet.   We shall see...

Porn masks our loneliness and makes us forget to make her our companion!

Today I was beating my self up by being so attracted by the women I was seeing every where.  I thought I was doing something wrong but then I realized that I wasn't...it was very very healthy!  I'm being to appreciate the beauty of all types of woman.  I got confused because my mind is so warped that I've made women synonymous with porn.  But looking at and being attracted to REAL women is NOT PORN...its NORMAL AND HEALTHY.

My ED and porn problem came to head my freshmen year of college.  Its interesting because the women I find most attractive are the woman who are around that age.  I guess my mind is "starting over" from that point.  Or is it just natural for men to be more attracted to younger women?

There was one woman in the subway I was blown away by, very tempted to speak to her but I still had it in my head at that point of looking at them is like porn.  I noticed about it hours later while walking home and fantasying about sleeping her that I was uncomfortable about the fantasy.  And I realized that I wanted her not just to "porn fuck" her...I wanted her COMPANIONSHIP.  All of a sudden a weight was lifted off my shoulders and I changed the fantasy to be companionship focus and the approach to sex with her in the fantasy completely changed and guess what...started to get an erection (not a full one but it was getting erected.) where as before it felt more like an obsession, where I wasn't getting an erection.

Afterwards, I realized that I'm really lonely.     That my attraction to this women is more than sex.  Sex is one aspect of it but its about companionship!  PORN (the evil) prevents us from seeing this.  In an evil manner it prevents us for seeing the total picture of a woman.  That their is more to woman than just sex!  No wonder why I've held myself back from relationships all these years...I WANTED MORE THAN JUST SEX BUT THATS ALL I COULD SEE WOMAN FOR!  ARRRRGHHHH DAMN YOU PORN!!!!  I blamed the ED but its wasn't the ED, it was wanting something more, I'm not going to say "love" but maybe a "real connection" with someone besides myself.   We can't get a real connection with someone from porn.  Maybe thats why are brain needs more and more...because it thinks the more intense it is the closer the chance we'll make a real connection.

By the way, today is day 40.

Today was day 40...

...wow...I can't believe I've gone this far...but it also seems to have gone so quick too.  I plan on going "all the way" :-)  Until I'm completely rebooted.

Positive Day - Day 38

Today is, 38 of no pmf (trying to stop the F) and 41 of no O. The day started with me waking up to the early morning buzzer and noticing that there was hardness to my penis. It wasn't a full erection, as it wasn't particularly elongated or engorged but noticeably hard. I reached down, the "inner part" was more hard, where the "outer part" was more soft. An encouraging sign I would say 

I did about 2 hours of morning prayers 

Went rock climbing. I noticed that last two times that the women aren't responding to me as the used to. They aren't smiling and they looks I do get I feel they are like "eww". I took it with stride, I had climbing to do. Technically, I'm "bouldering" and not rock climbing. Rock climbing is the high wall and the rope & harness and bouldering is the shorter wall without rope or harness. I conquered three routes today, which is amazing because usually it takes me most of a session to figure out one and the I finish up by starting a new one. I think I was so successful today because I really took the time to analysis that path before I climbed it. I was so excited when I accomplished them that I had t hold back my excitement. I looked around looking to celebrate with someone and there wasn't anyone...that was kind of a lonely feeling but I didn't dwell on it, I concentrated on the fact that I JUST SUCCESSFULLY CLIMBED THAT ROUTE!

I did see friends there and they were rock climbing and invited me trying. So I harnessed up. It was interested. Its not as hard to climb but the HIEGHT is a nerve racking. I had to come down. In front of women to. I didn't care, I wasn't comfortable. Interesting enough, I found it as a challenge. A fewer I have to over come. Now I know I have it, now I have to over come it. It should be interesting task going forward because I was "NERVOUS!"

Last night while was falling a sleep I found my self seriously understanding that what other people think of me doesn't matter. I really have to be self interested. Its a good feeling. Its not selfish as much as it being very comfortably self aware. Maybe even more a quite self confidence instead of self esteem.

This was useful because I found myself challenging my irrational beliefs through out the day and using my breathing exercises that I've learned from nurofeedback training.

I've also been thinking about human sexuality and had some porn flashbacks but rather then getting upset about it, it gave it unconditional acceptance. That we all have sexuality and some of us choice to engage in it in different ways. It weird, I've always resented people sexuality (a weird effect of porn) but today I accepted that we are sexual beings. Less judgmental of the porn stars that behave in what I have but at the same time disassociated my self with it.

I need my own sex, rather than watching others people's sex.

Good night all.

Last night and toady

Yesterday night I did have some alcohol to drink.  I couldn't sleep.  Constant fantasies, almost cum from fantasying and I was't masturbating or rubbing myself (has to be from the increase dopamine entering my brain from fantasying.  The addiction wants its fix big time).

This morning I stayed in bed late fantasying and rubbing myself against the bed. Later on in the day I walked by such a beautiful woman, I became overwhelmed.  It was like my entire being was consumed with her, luckily she was across the street.  I had to literally had say to myself to "focus" so I could continue walking and talk to my friend.  This was actually very uncomfortable feeling, to be consumed by the appearance of a woman, almost the way it worked with porno.  Last night the head of the house hold of where I eat told the guys (in front of the women to, now this is a man), "be lead by your principles first and then have a women in your life, rather than have your life be lead in the pursuit of women and have no principles."  That real resonated with me a big time and I thanked him for saying that before I left.

Today at a lunch gathering, there was a very attractive, inappropriately dressed, married woman there.  This made me uncomfortable because I am feeling more aggressing toward women of late and I didn't want to act out as she was married, and with her husband and kids (not that if would matter if they weren't there).  I was struggling not to look at her and she notice I was.  Eventually she started to look back at me... welcomingly...but this was to much for me.  I broke our eye contact by rolling my eyes, looking back at her and look away, as if to say - "YOUR MARRIED!"  I was fairly successful not look at her the rest of the evening and I didn't notice her looking my way when I did have to look over at that side of the table, so I think she got my point.   I have principles, adultery is a big no no, I don't care how hot the woman is.

About half hour ago while walking home I saw two women walking on the other side of the street, they so attractive and so sexy and I unabashedly looked over at them.  One looked up briefly but kept walking.  I got angry and resentful.  So many confused thoughts.  I have such a strong desire for them but I don't like that they have such an power to consume me like that.  I resented that they were not as equally consumed with me.  I'm angry that even if they were, at my current stage of trying to reboot my brain and regain health erections, I most likely couldn't do anything about it!

:-(  Hope everyone else is doing a bit better.

Frustrated

Yesterday playing soccer I had a freak accident and hurt my arm.  So today when I was climbing I had to stop short.  The soreness was too much.  I actually felt like crying when I was changing to go home because I felt like I was giving up.

What was even more frustrating were the women.  They so beautiful.  Two of could literally see how I could physically have sex with them (unlike durning porn days...I could see a sexy woman but never ME having sex with them).  I actually had to calm myself down.  The pmfo part of me says - they aren't my women to have.  But why not?  Why shouldn't they be?  Why shouldn't I have women in my life that I can have enjoyable sex with?

I don't know why, when I got into the gym I was thinking to my self - "Not going to think about flirting, I'm just going to climb and ignore the women."  Of course as I am thinking this a woman was walking toward me and doing some smiling at me but I was so busy on my high horse I didn't notice until to late.  LIke a delayed reaction.  I saw what she was doing, while I was saying that BS to my self.  So after that I felt completely off at the gym.   Then I felt for some reason that those women I mentioned before were think I'm a creep or something (everyone climbs in close quarters, so it hard to avoid each other).  Maybe its because I didn't say something.  This whole week in my office I've been trying to make sure I say hello to everyone I see and then I completely shut off in the rock gym?  Argh...I just remember I did something similar to someone in my office today.  I'm going to try smile and say hi to everyone I see, darn the consequences.

I soooo want to be with one or both of the women I was really attracted to today (plus the one who tried to flirt with me but I was to busy being a fool).  I don't deserve to be alone! But I also want to go through a full reboot.  Maybe instead of sulking like a pmfo user does, I should turn it into motivation.  Not going to be an invert.  I'm going to get better and I'm going to have sex with a beautiful woman/women :-)  And I'm not going to push my arm...I'm going to let it heel.  Its about the long haul here - just like with giving up pmfo.  Giving up the quick and easy porn for a better a longer enjoy life of sex with another person! :-)

Encouraging Comment

Here is another encouraging comment from someone who is refraining from PMFO -

Day 57 - Sensitivity has returned!

Thu, 2011-12-01 11:42 — newstart

What a journey this has been.

Since I decided to give up PMO earlier this year I have made it to 6 days twice, 12 days once, 28 days once and now I am on day 57 of being PMO free.

I can say that it has been totally worth the uncomfortableness to get to this point. I have gained most if not all sensitivity back in the head of my penis. It was like a switch came back on in my nerve endings after being turned off from all my years of PMO abuse. I first noticed the change on day 52 when I was messing around with my girlfriend and felt as if I could have ejaculated if we would have kept at it (it was neither the time nor the place to find out). I have never been able to have anything but half hard sex with her the reason being I could hardly feel anything when inside of her probably from all my years of using the death grip on myself.

I am now able to achieve a full erection to almost orgasm without porn or porn fantasy before stopping using just a light grip with my hand. What is even better is I am able to stay hard and control myself without ejaculating. I haven't experienced this since I was a teenager (I am 47 now). This is something I was never able to do before this reboot and as a matter of fact could never even get myself off without porn. Even when I did I was only half hard. I can now see how PMO can really mess up your brain especially when you do it for years and years.

I just want to encourage everyone else out there who is struggling with this addiction to not give up. It is so completely worth it to stay the course. I feel like a new person! 

Excellent Comment

This is from the Member's Blogs section of Reuniting.info

"Puppy Love" Vs PMO

Thu, 2011-12-01 01:35 — NonAttatchment

I was thinking back to my younger years when I would get "puppy love" and I really do miss those feelings. It seems when you start to PMO it just destroys ever having those feelings again because when you see someone you like, you just think about them lustfully. I think some of the elements of puppy love stick around but for the most part if your into PMO and have been for a while the lust part of your desire for that person will be in full effect as well. Its funny I think even as late as my early 20s (im in my early 30s now) I would still have puppy love. I know in high school I remember having it (most of us do I think) Its funny I remember not being able to get my crush out of my mind but at the same time I dont recall having lustful fantasies. They were more innocent in nature, the fantasies would involve just holding hands with her or taking a walk at sunset, looking into her eyes, etc. Its almost as if PMO is puppy love's evil twin because they keep the subject of your desire in your mind to where its all you think about yet with PMO its an addiction that involves pleasure hits to the brain. PMO is like Bizarro Superman. Its like would you rather date someone who looks amazing and is physically attractive in every way but has nothing in common with you whatsoever or someone who is average or maybe below average in looks but you can carry a conversation with them for hours on end? PMO will make you date the nothing in common attractive person. I guess the friends you keep also play a big part in that being important too, as with what society thinks. It keeps everyone so superficial. I guess unplugging from the matrix (rebooting) is the one true key.

Hurting...

....but in a good way :-)  I played indoor soccer for hour and 40 minutes last night.  I haven't played that rigorously in 3 years.  Wow am I sore but its a good sore.

Its funny, the first time I started to break out of my shell, which was 4 or 5 years ago, I also took up soccer.  That first attempt was a disaster but my REBT therapist at the time help me keep it in prospective.  This time I met up with old friends.  Really good guys.  Very understanding I hadn't played in a while.  It was a nice time.  I hope to play next week to but I didn't do so great so we'll see.

Notice improvement in regards to the erection area.  Last night in a semiconscious sleep state I had to get up and pee and I notice that the first time in a long time I had hardness in my penis when I had to go pee.  It was quite hard in comparison to how it is normally but it wasn't a full engorged erection but it was a noticeable difference and a something to be encouraged about.  I did touch it to see and it did feel harder but shortly after I touched it it went down.

Today is 36 (and 39 of no O).

Think good and it will be good.

No TV For You! :-)

Someone emailed me on reuniting about why I feel that I am better off not owning and watching tv.  Here is my ramble:
-------------------------


You mean besides not having to watch the Giants get mutilated by the Saints? LOL!

There are a lot of reasons:

TV isn't interactive.  When one watches tv they are passive, just accepting what ever it tells and shows you.  You are like a drone.  I used to get sucked in watching it and the hours would just pass away.  It was just easier to sit their and accept the stimuli it gave me rather than going out and creating my own (a lot like porn right? Just accepting the images they show you for sex rather then going out and finding your own lover).

TV gave me a false impression and expectation about how life is or suppose to be.  In tv everything works out in the end and it only takes an hour for everyone to get rich, fall in love, etc.  Truth is, life is a lot of hard work, things don't go as planned and you have to deal with and over come a lot of bullshit.

Women are nothing like they portray on tv.  Heck, most men are nothing like they present on tv (women don't like guys like the guys in sitcoms).

I used to get sucked in to the political shows, since I stopped watching them I stopped getting emotional involved with politics and I am so much happier.  With sports, once you stop watching, eventually you see a game again and notice most of the players couldn't give a shit about doing well when they play.  If they don't care, why am I investing so much of my own energy.  Tonight, I'm going to soccer with some friends, good chance if I had a tv, I might have a reason not to go.

Most of all, I feel that I think more clearly with out it.  Don't get me wrong I spend to much time on the computer (haha) but I'm working on that too.

I went home for Thanksgiving and of course I ended up on the couch watching tv.  I watched some interesting stuff but seriously, I could have done so much more with that time.   Have you ever seen kids watching tv?  Its scary.  Their eye get huge and they just sit their in a trance.  Its not good.  You are giving completely strangers, with an agenda, open access to your brain.

I could ramble for a while more but does that help?

Good Article

Check out this information about erections, dopamine and testosterone.  I remember when I first started having ED problems I had my checked testosterone and I was fine.

http://yourbrainonporn.com/testosterone-necessary-nocturnal-erections-waking-erections-depend-dopamine

Amazing Feeling!

Before I committed my self to abstaining from PMFO, when I first visited YBOP and Reuniting, I read some people's blog that would talk about how women were flashing smiles at them...FIRST.  Honestly, it sounds like one of those "Pick Up Artists" gimmicks but then I realized that YBOP and Reuniting are selling anything and these guys are also admitting how they were addicted to iron and lost the ability to get health erections...soooo...I suspended disbelief.

Today, day 34, I got my FRIST completely unexpected random smile from a woman I didn't know.  And it was AMAZING!

I was riding the elevator up to see the Doctor I do my nurofeedback training with (he is on a floor with a bunch of other doctors).  Anyway, this older, yet very attractive, woman was riding the elevator with me.  Now I wasn't wearing my fanciest clothes, I did get a new haircut, I wasn't flirting with her...actually I was drinking a snapple andI couldn't wait to get to the floor so I could go to the bathroom (not super sexy feeling).  After I finished taking a gulp, I notice out of the corner of my eye that she is looking right at me!  I look at her (almost in disbelief) and she gives me a smile!

Now this is where no PMFOing came in because you now what?  I smiled back!   While I was pmfoing I would have just ducked my head.

After my smile back, their was awkward silence, so I took the additional step to flirt a bit by reading to her the "Real Fact" which listed under the Snapple bottle cap.  I have it as I type this - "#741 Plants, like humans, can run a fever, if they are sick."   She had a good laugh and we got out and went to our separate appointments.

Now THIS IS where it gets amazing.  In the nurofeedback training, the warm up program that the doctor starts with, is like testing you "zen".  He puts a devise on you finger which measures your pulse.  The program tells you to breath a certain way and to think positive thoughts.  The devise has a success metric and it tells you how you are doing based on the colors red, blue and green.  Red is bad, blue is ok and green is good.  I am on level 2, which is actually NOT an easy level.   Recently, I am about 40% red 40%green and 20% blue  The program tells you in the beginning to think of a positive emotion, so I choice the feeling of the woman smiling at me.  

I did SO WELL, that the doctor told me that I must have some secret weapon!  I laughed and told him I did without telling him what.  I did about 87% green, with very little red.  I was feeling SO good you can't believe it!  Heck, I wouldn't believe it had I not experienced it.

Ok, now I'm going to get a bit religious with you but it has a point.  This experience reminded me of two things I learned recently from two very important spiritual leaders.

First, is "Think good and it will be good".   Now of course thats simple enough, but there was a whole lesson that went along with it which made its such more intense message.

And second is, was about marriage and the relationship between men and women, which is:  That Adam, the first man, was created from "nothingness" and their for man has  in his psychological DNA the memory of being "nothing", which  is why men have  a fragile ego and is also trying so hard to active because they have this fear of being nothing.  Eve, on the other hand, was created from Adam, was created from "something", and therefor they don't have this fear of being nothing.   The lesson, was to tell women to treat their man like he is something and for the a man never to degrade his woman (as women know they are something, that want to be a highly valued something, not a lowly something).

The reason I bring this up, is because it felt so good to be recognized by that woman in the elevator as SOMETHING...and something worth enough to express a positive expression to!  It improved my whole day!  After she did that I wanted to give her something, anything, even something as simple as what it said on my snaffle bottle cap.  And when she laughed it felt great again!

Its important that we find women who make us feel good...like something...because a good woman helps us "Think Good" and so life "will be good" or at least a lot better.  And its important for us, as we get over this addiction and to NEVER degrade our women like they do in porn.  We should be givers, not takers.  Make them felt like the greatest thing in the world, 10 out of 10!

Anyway, I had to express that...sorry for any Apple Autocorrect confusion, bad grammar or over enthusiasm.  I also am doing my best to be off the computer by 8 so Good night all.

Tidbits

1. Yesterday I went into the bathroom and for the first time in a long time I had stage fright.  There was only one urinal and a much larger man had just finished using it.  I was going to go pee but part of me said "I'm not peeing in front of him."  In addition, he didn't leave the bathroom.  He seemed to be just standing there, so I wouldn't let myself pee. I felt humiliated.  I kept thinning that he was thinking "Ha, he can't pee in front of me."   I looked over to him briefly like "What the F*ck"?  When I finally gave up and let the urinal, he explained his belt broke and was trying to fix it.  Maybe there was nothing wrong with me, just an instinct that the guy was not to be trusted and not to let my guard down by peeing.  That every happen to anyone else?

2. Interesting, I'm starting to go through the "process of elimination" of the women from my office, in terms of who I'm, going to have a crush on.   Its kind of like seeing straighter :-)  Some are to as attractive as I thought they were, some of their behavior is a turn off, etc.  Some of them are more attractive some days than others.  But its more based on "natural" attractive and rather than that weird feeling I had toward women when I was watching porn.

3. I notice that I am being more aggressive in terms of checking women the last few days, while at the same time keeping the porn related thoughts out of my head.  I used to feel ashamed by checking out women.  Now that I've eliminated pmfo, I can just appreciate a beautiful woman for being beautiful with out "pornoizing" them, and that feels great.  Now its like, "Yes thats right, I'm checking you out, because I find you attractive."  I also feel like if they were to catch me checking them out I would be more comfortable smiling at them or saying Hi, where as with PMFO I would turn and shy away.  However, yesterday a VERY attractive woman noticed me and started to smile but I will admit, I was totally intimated and looked away.   :-(   However, I do remind myself not to leer.

4.  I HAD DREAMS LAST NIGHT.  Not wet dreams but vivid dreams.  In one of the dreams I did make out with a woman.  We kept talking and talking and finally I had to kiss her and I knew she wanted me to kiss too.  It was  nice dream.  I also had another dream where someone told me about a potential date, so I went to where the woman worked to check her out.  Guess where she worked?  In a Meat Market!  LOL.

5.  This morning I fantasized and rubbed my self only BRIEFLY.  Like for a split moment and I argued against myself not to do so.  Its so much easier to get out of bed when I don't F and M. Also, last night when I started in with the fantasies, I scolded myself.  I said either I engage in the real stuff or I don't engage in anything at all!  I was able to go to be a lot easier after that.

Anyway, today is day 34 and 37 of no O.  Things are looking good but I am taking one day at a time and thats it.

Good Moring

This morning was good. I got into bed last night around 9:45pm. Didn't fall asleep until at least 11pm. I woke up earlier than I have in a while. I did have a brief case of the fantasies and briefly rubbed myself into my bed but stop shortly after. I felt it was a nice sign of self control. I'm feeling really good right now. I'm not on a high, just feeling more heavy and relaxed and in control; where before I felt as light as a feather just going where ever the wind took me.

Oh and my arms are shot. LOL. Its a struggle to type. But its great to have arm muscles from something besides death grip masturbation LOL

32 days

Today is 32 days of no pmo (and working on the F). Really can't believe how fast these days have gone by...I couldn't even imagine blogging on day 32; I figured I'd be a complete basket case. To my amazement, I am far from a basket case, I am actually in better control of my self then I've been in a long time.

Today, I finally got to go rock climbing after not doing so for a week. It is so challenging, its great. It challenges not just your body but your mind and emotions as well. One really has to work on their composure while climbing. When I look at the best climbers at the gym, they are in a very tranquil state while climbing. Its inspiring.

Something odd happened today after climbing. I noticed while driving home I wasn't "happy" like I usually am afterwards. I started to think about why and I noticed that many of my irrational sexual impulses/urges that I developed from PMFO sprouted at times durning and after rock climbing. But at the same time, I was uncomfortable having them and wouldn't engage them with my thought, speech and action, I just pushed them aside and focused on my task at hand. Maybe the dopamine increases I got from climbing was like "clearing out the nest". All of these irrational sexual feelings boiled up that have been dormant for the most part durning the last 32 days. Like cleaning, you have to scrub hard to bring up the dirt so it can be swept away. Maybe that is what I was doing by increasing my dopamine through healthy means and refusing to engage this impulses/urges, just brushed them aside.

There are lots of attractive women at the gym. Its nice to be able to see beautiful women and not have the anxiety I had while pmfo-ing. I was just able to appreciate their beauty without having to go through in the irritability caused by PMFOing. And I exchanged a few flirtatious looks with a few of them but that was it, it didn't need to be more, it was just...nice. When PMFOing, you can't just have a nice visual enhance with a woman; Porn tells you that your just a complete failure if you didn't get her to come back to your room and have crazy sex. Tell you the truth, I feel more confident with those few visual exchanges then from many of the sexual encounters I've had in the past.

I'm really looking forward to having a sexual relationship with a woman. Someone told me about a women today. I still have to wait back to hear more. We'll see.

2 Steps Forward, 1 Giants Step Back

So am going to be leaving my parents house soon. Here is a recap, 1 step forward is I didn't masturbating since I've been, which could be a first, as I've live in that house since I was about 8 years old.

The 2nd step forward, after a Friday night community gathering, I walked right up to a woman to speak to her.  We've spoken in the past briefly but we are always eye flirting when we see each other.  I said to myself when I saw her that I am going to walk right up to her later, no matter if she is talking to other people (which is a huge first for me because I always used that as an excuse), and I did!  I decided to do so because I didn't just want to eye flirt; I wanted to bring it into reality (like we are doing by getting off of porn and focusing on real life).  But I knew I wasn't going to force it as I had to speak to a few other people first.  I also told my self, that if there was a reason outside of my control that would prevent me from speaking to her, I wouldn't awefulize it, rather it just wasn't meant to be. The conversation last a few minutes.  It was nice, we laughed.  Her friend and her brother was there.  Interesting, I felt all my sex triggers were turned off.  Maybe that because they were other people there or maybe my mind wanted to just focus on talking (which was probably for the best).  I felt good about it afterwards because I went up to a women after psyching myself up to do so.  Do you know how many times I've bailed in the past after telling myself the similar things? - MILLIONS :-)   Maybe because isolated it.  I was going to go to to her then, nothing more.  It wasn't, "I'm going to talk to her, and then later, I'll get her number and then I'll fuck her!"  It was just a conversation with a woman I'm attracted to, with no preconditions.

1 giant step backwards was I COULDN'T STOP FANTASYING, especially all of Friday!  Its a miracle I didn't masturbate. t couldn't sleep last night, as the fantasies got more and more intense.  I am assume I was upping the dopamine each time.  However, come to think about it, I didn't masturbate or rub myself while I was fantasies, which is a plus.  However much penis was very sensitive.  I felt like I could have cum with out any touching or having an erection.  I did do some air thrusts but stopped, as I thought I could cum just from that.  Is that strange?

So I guess this holiday weekend was 2 and 1/2 steps forward (as I didn't rub myself while fantasizing) and 1 fairly large step backwards (fantasying).  Do I just have to get the fantasying out of my system?  I have noticed that since I've woke up from a midday nap, today  I haven't fantasied at all.  I am heading into the flatline people are always talking about?  What is the flatline stage?

And God willing I am going climbing tomorrow...YAHOOOOO!!!

From Friday

Today is day 30 of no PMF and its ben 33 days since my last O. All day my urges to M and O have come on strong. Being at home at my parents home for Thanksgiving and the weekend. I'm bored and lonely. I need some excitement. I didn't climb this week. I miss it. Cant wait for Sunday so I can climb. I really do need a girlfriend but I can tell that my I'm not ready for it yet. I'll take more aggressive approach when I start seeing more improvement. I want to start seeing morning wood erections. I also wants to see myself get full healthy erections before making a move. I don't want to hold myself back but I also don't want to rush it.

Great Comment!

This is a GREAT comment written by a blogger on Reuniting.info

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You're looking for an excuse to PMO.

I know because I've been there bro. Your brain/reward circuitry will try everything it can for you to PMO.

This can come out in things like:

- 'This is the last time I look at Porn' Evvverr. (And then it's NOT)
- 'I'll only look at a couple a sites and I'll only look'
- T'hat chick was so hot, I need some relief'
- 'Ok I'm trying to quit and I fucked up but hey, I can have a 3 strikes policy right...maybe THIS time doesnt even really count?' (It DOES)

and a common 1 (for me anyway)
- 'all my friends have hot ass girlfriends/sex/etc...I DESERVE to look at Porn...why douldn't I have some pleasure??...and you only have 1 life right? what's the harm? and besides, it's the LAST time, I'm in control of this!'

NO YOU AREN'T, It's another TRICK your brain is playing on you!

OR what you are doing HERE:

- 'My friend can have sex like 6 times including masturbation... i rarely masturbate so maybe my problem isn't the porn but something else, wtf, maybe I should just PMO and it'll feel good (with the subtext: and I can be as hard for as long as I want, perfect control)'

DON'T DO IT! DON'T M TO P...ESP *RIGHT NOW*... IT'S A TRICK, A LIE.

Living in the past can lead to depression and living in the future can lead to anxiety but living in the PRESENT can lead to PEACE.

Sensitivity

I noticed that my penis had a lot more sensitivity this morning, and that was just from naturally brushing it while rolling over. I fought the urge to fantasize and to prevent myself from rubbing myself into the bed. I wasn't successfully. My fantasies, as most often, are about missed opportunities and wow do I have a lot of them. During the fantasies I do find my self trying to fight against them. Even though the "skin" seems sensitive, I didn't get an erection.

Often during fantasying an during my PMO days, I often found my self putting myself in the role of the woman. I often found this easier and more relaxing and I could cum quicker. If you look at most porn the man is the work horse not showing an outward sign of enjoyment and the woman is just sitting back and have a great experience. Hello, who wouldn't want to be the one not having to do much and just take pleasure. Truth is though, I'm straight and would much rather be the one giving pleasure.

This morning I fought myself from fantasying as the women, when in the past I would and would cum very quickly (mostly because I would relax). I think I did that because I think it is a bit painful to think of myself as the guy with a hard on but I don't have one (I need to start putting a lot less pressure on myself and just know that the erections are GOING to come back it just going to take a little time). What is also odd, is I used to often fantasize about being a woman (often a missed connection) sleeping with myself. I think a lot of that also has to do with loneliness. Making myself my own hook up - how pathetic.

Last night I went to be realizing that I am very lonely. A lot of my porn viewing was to due my (self imposed) loneliness for sure. It was easier than taking the risk of being rejected, even when you know they woman likes you. Why? Relationships are "involving". Porn is a simulation of just the good stuff. Relationships, even when its just friends with benefits, takes some sort of effort and attachment. Its easier to just secluded yourself to your bedroom, watch porn, be depressed...it takes not effort. Since being abstinent (no pmfo), I really one to be WITH a woman both sexually and as a friend.

I am at my parents for Thanksgiving, its amazing how many old urges come back. I'm proud I haven't given in. If I don't give in here, I will most likely not give in anywhere.

Inception

Its Thanksgiving and I came home to visit my parents and when ever I do I break my rule not to watch TV.  I choose to watch the movie Inception.

There are things about the movie that stood out.

1.  It is refreshing to see a major movie with out an explicit sex scene.

2.  This whole rebooting process feels like coming out of the deep dream states the characters were in.  This whole addiction has been one long nightmare, masking itself as reality but the truth is you are in a dream (something unreal) - a bad nightmare that you can't wake yourself out of...you're in it so long you can't tell the difference anymore.

I've (we've) been in a comma.  I've missed so much of my life, so many important stages and phases I should have gone through but didn't.   Stuck in my own mind and hooked on a falsehood which pornography is...replacing my missed reality with it.

These fantasies that persist and the cravings and urges they causes are no more than learned behavior attempting to fill something that is missing in my life...and why is missing is "reality."  By hiding in porn use, we "protect" ourselves from that bad that can come in life.  In porn their is always a happy ending.   But the truth is, something in side of us all realize that life isn't an endless stream of happiness.   Something is wrong with this "picture".  Its not normal what we are doing or which we have done.   And when we realizes this, part of us (like "Ma's" character in Inception) doesn't want to wake up and it will do anything to hold us back...it keep us in the dream of porn.  But just as the characters in Inception who literally do battle and risk life and limb to wake up, SO DO WE have to do battle and risk discomfort, pain, and other withdrawal systems and risks of relapse to awake out of our addiction.  Its hard but success will be the reward.

--- I've also been watching climbing videos online.  I look at all these "young" faces out in the wilderness, being active, taking risks, living LIFE and I look back at my last 15 or so years and I spent it glued to a screen, be it TV or Computer.  I can't/I won't live that life anymore.

Totally Disappointed

Couldn't sleep tonight. its 4:15 in the mornings.  One of the reasons has to be my late night computer use.  A doctor told me so but I couldn't pull myself away.  I had to add a blog post, etc.

I did fantasized tonight.  A first it was ok, it felt great to think about sex.  I noticed my erection was somewhat fuller and that it took a longer time to go down than in the past.  But it slippery sloped into edging.  I almost ejactulated but I stopped.  I actually yelled out my self, IF YOU WANT TO DO THIS THEN DO IT AND STOP THINKING ABOUT IT.   I got up to pee, I definitely peed out semen.  I currently have a "relieved" feeling.

I don't think this counts as a relapse.

Nurofeedback

I was going to wait until tomorrow to post this but what the heck -

Shortly before I found yourbrainonporn and reuniting I started doing Nurofeedback/EEG treatment. I originally went because I felt that my internet use had caused me to have severe ADHD. I also let the doctor know that I suffer from mysterious ED (which I've told all my doctors hoping for an answer). When I told him about the information I found on YBOP and porn induction erectlye disfunction, the Doctor conquered and said that it seemingly makes sense. He also told me that nurofeedback is extremely successful in treating other forms of addiction.

From my personal experience, I can say 100%, that I have been as successful as I have been 27 days due large in part to the nurofeedback treatment. I have seen a very noticeable change in my impulsive behavior, much of which contributed to my pmfo addiction, since doing the treatment. Here is some links to nurofeedback and addiction as well as information on how to find a practitioner.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x0TRmIg6Vx8

http://www.eeginfo.com/research/addiction_main.html

http://www.isnr.org/information/addiction.cfm

http://www.isnr.org/isnrlist.cfm - I am sure you can do a google search for nurofeedback in your local area. If you need someone in the New York City metro area, email me and I give you a good doctor.  

You may also want to talk to Gary or Marnia or your personal Dr. but its helped me.