Someone emailed me on reuniting about why I feel that I am better off not owning and watching tv. Here is my ramble:
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You mean besides not having to watch the Giants get mutilated by the Saints? LOL!
There are a lot of reasons:
TV isn't interactive. When one watches tv they are passive, just accepting what ever it tells and shows you. You are like a drone. I used to get sucked in watching it and the hours would just pass away. It was just easier to sit their and accept the stimuli it gave me rather than going out and creating my own (a lot like porn right? Just accepting the images they show you for sex rather then going out and finding your own lover).
TV gave me a false impression and expectation about how life is or suppose to be. In tv everything works out in the end and it only takes an hour for everyone to get rich, fall in love, etc. Truth is, life is a lot of hard work, things don't go as planned and you have to deal with and over come a lot of bullshit.
Women are nothing like they portray on tv. Heck, most men are nothing like they present on tv (women don't like guys like the guys in sitcoms).
I used to get sucked in to the political shows, since I stopped watching them I stopped getting emotional involved with politics and I am so much happier. With sports, once you stop watching, eventually you see a game again and notice most of the players couldn't give a shit about doing well when they play. If they don't care, why am I investing so much of my own energy. Tonight, I'm going to soccer with some friends, good chance if I had a tv, I might have a reason not to go.
Most of all, I feel that I think more clearly with out it. Don't get me wrong I spend to much time on the computer (haha) but I'm working on that too.
I went home for Thanksgiving and of course I ended up on the couch watching tv. I watched some interesting stuff but seriously, I could have done so much more with that time. Have you ever seen kids watching tv? Its scary. Their eye get huge and they just sit their in a trance. Its not good. You are giving completely strangers, with an agenda, open access to your brain.
I could ramble for a while more but does that help?
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Good Article
Check out this information about erections, dopamine and testosterone. I remember when I first started having ED problems I had my checked testosterone and I was fine.
http://yourbrainonporn.com/testosterone-necessary-nocturnal-erections-waking-erections-depend-dopamine
http://yourbrainonporn.com/testosterone-necessary-nocturnal-erections-waking-erections-depend-dopamine
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Amazing Feeling!
Before I committed my self to abstaining from PMFO, when I first visited YBOP and Reuniting, I read some people's blog that would talk about how women were flashing smiles at them...FIRST. Honestly, it sounds like one of those "Pick Up Artists" gimmicks but then I realized that YBOP and Reuniting are selling anything and these guys are also admitting how they were addicted to iron and lost the ability to get health erections...soooo...I suspended disbelief.
Today, day 34, I got my FRIST completely unexpected random smile from a woman I didn't know. And it was AMAZING!
I was riding the elevator up to see the Doctor I do my nurofeedback training with (he is on a floor with a bunch of other doctors). Anyway, this older, yet very attractive, woman was riding the elevator with me. Now I wasn't wearing my fanciest clothes, I did get a new haircut, I wasn't flirting with her...actually I was drinking a snapple andI couldn't wait to get to the floor so I could go to the bathroom (not super sexy feeling). After I finished taking a gulp, I notice out of the corner of my eye that she is looking right at me! I look at her (almost in disbelief) and she gives me a smile!
Now this is where no PMFOing came in because you now what? I smiled back! While I was pmfoing I would have just ducked my head.
After my smile back, their was awkward silence, so I took the additional step to flirt a bit by reading to her the "Real Fact" which listed under the Snapple bottle cap. I have it as I type this - "#741 Plants, like humans, can run a fever, if they are sick." She had a good laugh and we got out and went to our separate appointments.
Now THIS IS where it gets amazing. In the nurofeedback training, the warm up program that the doctor starts with, is like testing you "zen". He puts a devise on you finger which measures your pulse. The program tells you to breath a certain way and to think positive thoughts. The devise has a success metric and it tells you how you are doing based on the colors red, blue and green. Red is bad, blue is ok and green is good. I am on level 2, which is actually NOT an easy level. Recently, I am about 40% red 40%green and 20% blue The program tells you in the beginning to think of a positive emotion, so I choice the feeling of the woman smiling at me.
I did SO WELL, that the doctor told me that I must have some secret weapon! I laughed and told him I did without telling him what. I did about 87% green, with very little red. I was feeling SO good you can't believe it! Heck, I wouldn't believe it had I not experienced it.
Ok, now I'm going to get a bit religious with you but it has a point. This experience reminded me of two things I learned recently from two very important spiritual leaders.
First, is "Think good and it will be good". Now of course thats simple enough, but there was a whole lesson that went along with it which made its such more intense message.
And second is, was about marriage and the relationship between men and women, which is: That Adam, the first man, was created from "nothingness" and their for man has in his psychological DNA the memory of being "nothing", which is why men have a fragile ego and is also trying so hard to active because they have this fear of being nothing. Eve, on the other hand, was created from Adam, was created from "something", and therefor they don't have this fear of being nothing. The lesson, was to tell women to treat their man like he is something and for the a man never to degrade his woman (as women know they are something, that want to be a highly valued something, not a lowly something).
The reason I bring this up, is because it felt so good to be recognized by that woman in the elevator as SOMETHING...and something worth enough to express a positive expression to! It improved my whole day! After she did that I wanted to give her something, anything, even something as simple as what it said on my snaffle bottle cap. And when she laughed it felt great again!
Its important that we find women who make us feel good...like something...because a good woman helps us "Think Good" and so life "will be good" or at least a lot better. And its important for us, as we get over this addiction and to NEVER degrade our women like they do in porn. We should be givers, not takers. Make them felt like the greatest thing in the world, 10 out of 10!
Anyway, I had to express that...sorry for any Apple Autocorrect confusion, bad grammar or over enthusiasm. I also am doing my best to be off the computer by 8 so Good night all.
Today, day 34, I got my FRIST completely unexpected random smile from a woman I didn't know. And it was AMAZING!
I was riding the elevator up to see the Doctor I do my nurofeedback training with (he is on a floor with a bunch of other doctors). Anyway, this older, yet very attractive, woman was riding the elevator with me. Now I wasn't wearing my fanciest clothes, I did get a new haircut, I wasn't flirting with her...actually I was drinking a snapple andI couldn't wait to get to the floor so I could go to the bathroom (not super sexy feeling). After I finished taking a gulp, I notice out of the corner of my eye that she is looking right at me! I look at her (almost in disbelief) and she gives me a smile!
Now this is where no PMFOing came in because you now what? I smiled back! While I was pmfoing I would have just ducked my head.
After my smile back, their was awkward silence, so I took the additional step to flirt a bit by reading to her the "Real Fact" which listed under the Snapple bottle cap. I have it as I type this - "#741 Plants, like humans, can run a fever, if they are sick." She had a good laugh and we got out and went to our separate appointments.
Now THIS IS where it gets amazing. In the nurofeedback training, the warm up program that the doctor starts with, is like testing you "zen". He puts a devise on you finger which measures your pulse. The program tells you to breath a certain way and to think positive thoughts. The devise has a success metric and it tells you how you are doing based on the colors red, blue and green. Red is bad, blue is ok and green is good. I am on level 2, which is actually NOT an easy level. Recently, I am about 40% red 40%green and 20% blue The program tells you in the beginning to think of a positive emotion, so I choice the feeling of the woman smiling at me.
I did SO WELL, that the doctor told me that I must have some secret weapon! I laughed and told him I did without telling him what. I did about 87% green, with very little red. I was feeling SO good you can't believe it! Heck, I wouldn't believe it had I not experienced it.
Ok, now I'm going to get a bit religious with you but it has a point. This experience reminded me of two things I learned recently from two very important spiritual leaders.
First, is "Think good and it will be good". Now of course thats simple enough, but there was a whole lesson that went along with it which made its such more intense message.
And second is, was about marriage and the relationship between men and women, which is: That Adam, the first man, was created from "nothingness" and their for man has in his psychological DNA the memory of being "nothing", which is why men have a fragile ego and is also trying so hard to active because they have this fear of being nothing. Eve, on the other hand, was created from Adam, was created from "something", and therefor they don't have this fear of being nothing. The lesson, was to tell women to treat their man like he is something and for the a man never to degrade his woman (as women know they are something, that want to be a highly valued something, not a lowly something).
The reason I bring this up, is because it felt so good to be recognized by that woman in the elevator as SOMETHING...and something worth enough to express a positive expression to! It improved my whole day! After she did that I wanted to give her something, anything, even something as simple as what it said on my snaffle bottle cap. And when she laughed it felt great again!
Its important that we find women who make us feel good...like something...because a good woman helps us "Think Good" and so life "will be good" or at least a lot better. And its important for us, as we get over this addiction and to NEVER degrade our women like they do in porn. We should be givers, not takers. Make them felt like the greatest thing in the world, 10 out of 10!
Anyway, I had to express that...sorry for any Apple Autocorrect confusion, bad grammar or over enthusiasm. I also am doing my best to be off the computer by 8 so Good night all.
Tidbits
1. Yesterday I went into the bathroom and for the first time in a long time I had stage fright. There was only one urinal and a much larger man had just finished using it. I was going to go pee but part of me said "I'm not peeing in front of him." In addition, he didn't leave the bathroom. He seemed to be just standing there, so I wouldn't let myself pee. I felt humiliated. I kept thinning that he was thinking "Ha, he can't pee in front of me." I looked over to him briefly like "What the F*ck"? When I finally gave up and let the urinal, he explained his belt broke and was trying to fix it. Maybe there was nothing wrong with me, just an instinct that the guy was not to be trusted and not to let my guard down by peeing. That every happen to anyone else?
2. Interesting, I'm starting to go through the "process of elimination" of the women from my office, in terms of who I'm, going to have a crush on. Its kind of like seeing straighter :-) Some are to as attractive as I thought they were, some of their behavior is a turn off, etc. Some of them are more attractive some days than others. But its more based on "natural" attractive and rather than that weird feeling I had toward women when I was watching porn.
3. I notice that I am being more aggressive in terms of checking women the last few days, while at the same time keeping the porn related thoughts out of my head. I used to feel ashamed by checking out women. Now that I've eliminated pmfo, I can just appreciate a beautiful woman for being beautiful with out "pornoizing" them, and that feels great. Now its like, "Yes thats right, I'm checking you out, because I find you attractive." I also feel like if they were to catch me checking them out I would be more comfortable smiling at them or saying Hi, where as with PMFO I would turn and shy away. However, yesterday a VERY attractive woman noticed me and started to smile but I will admit, I was totally intimated and looked away. :-( However, I do remind myself not to leer.
4. I HAD DREAMS LAST NIGHT. Not wet dreams but vivid dreams. In one of the dreams I did make out with a woman. We kept talking and talking and finally I had to kiss her and I knew she wanted me to kiss too. It was nice dream. I also had another dream where someone told me about a potential date, so I went to where the woman worked to check her out. Guess where she worked? In a Meat Market! LOL.
5. This morning I fantasized and rubbed my self only BRIEFLY. Like for a split moment and I argued against myself not to do so. Its so much easier to get out of bed when I don't F and M. Also, last night when I started in with the fantasies, I scolded myself. I said either I engage in the real stuff or I don't engage in anything at all! I was able to go to be a lot easier after that.
Anyway, today is day 34 and 37 of no O. Things are looking good but I am taking one day at a time and thats it.
2. Interesting, I'm starting to go through the "process of elimination" of the women from my office, in terms of who I'm, going to have a crush on. Its kind of like seeing straighter :-) Some are to as attractive as I thought they were, some of their behavior is a turn off, etc. Some of them are more attractive some days than others. But its more based on "natural" attractive and rather than that weird feeling I had toward women when I was watching porn.
3. I notice that I am being more aggressive in terms of checking women the last few days, while at the same time keeping the porn related thoughts out of my head. I used to feel ashamed by checking out women. Now that I've eliminated pmfo, I can just appreciate a beautiful woman for being beautiful with out "pornoizing" them, and that feels great. Now its like, "Yes thats right, I'm checking you out, because I find you attractive." I also feel like if they were to catch me checking them out I would be more comfortable smiling at them or saying Hi, where as with PMFO I would turn and shy away. However, yesterday a VERY attractive woman noticed me and started to smile but I will admit, I was totally intimated and looked away. :-( However, I do remind myself not to leer.
4. I HAD DREAMS LAST NIGHT. Not wet dreams but vivid dreams. In one of the dreams I did make out with a woman. We kept talking and talking and finally I had to kiss her and I knew she wanted me to kiss too. It was nice dream. I also had another dream where someone told me about a potential date, so I went to where the woman worked to check her out. Guess where she worked? In a Meat Market! LOL.
5. This morning I fantasized and rubbed my self only BRIEFLY. Like for a split moment and I argued against myself not to do so. Its so much easier to get out of bed when I don't F and M. Also, last night when I started in with the fantasies, I scolded myself. I said either I engage in the real stuff or I don't engage in anything at all! I was able to go to be a lot easier after that.
Anyway, today is day 34 and 37 of no O. Things are looking good but I am taking one day at a time and thats it.
Monday, November 28, 2011
Good Moring
This morning was good. I got into bed last night around 9:45pm. Didn't fall asleep until at least 11pm. I woke up earlier than I have in a while. I did have a brief case of the fantasies and briefly rubbed myself into my bed but stop shortly after. I felt it was a nice sign of self control. I'm feeling really good right now. I'm not on a high, just feeling more heavy and relaxed and in control; where before I felt as light as a feather just going where ever the wind took me.
Oh and my arms are shot. LOL. Its a struggle to type. But its great to have arm muscles from something besides death grip masturbation LOL
Sunday, November 27, 2011
32 days
Today is 32 days of no pmo (and working on the F). Really can't believe how fast these days have gone by...I couldn't even imagine blogging on day 32; I figured I'd be a complete basket case. To my amazement, I am far from a basket case, I am actually in better control of my self then I've been in a long time.
Today, I finally got to go rock climbing after not doing so for a week. It is so challenging, its great. It challenges not just your body but your mind and emotions as well. One really has to work on their composure while climbing. When I look at the best climbers at the gym, they are in a very tranquil state while climbing. Its inspiring.
Something odd happened today after climbing. I noticed while driving home I wasn't "happy" like I usually am afterwards. I started to think about why and I noticed that many of my irrational sexual impulses/urges that I developed from PMFO sprouted at times durning and after rock climbing. But at the same time, I was uncomfortable having them and wouldn't engage them with my thought, speech and action, I just pushed them aside and focused on my task at hand. Maybe the dopamine increases I got from climbing was like "clearing out the nest". All of these irrational sexual feelings boiled up that have been dormant for the most part durning the last 32 days. Like cleaning, you have to scrub hard to bring up the dirt so it can be swept away. Maybe that is what I was doing by increasing my dopamine through healthy means and refusing to engage this impulses/urges, just brushed them aside.
There are lots of attractive women at the gym. Its nice to be able to see beautiful women and not have the anxiety I had while pmfo-ing. I was just able to appreciate their beauty without having to go through in the irritability caused by PMFOing. And I exchanged a few flirtatious looks with a few of them but that was it, it didn't need to be more, it was just...nice. When PMFOing, you can't just have a nice visual enhance with a woman; Porn tells you that your just a complete failure if you didn't get her to come back to your room and have crazy sex. Tell you the truth, I feel more confident with those few visual exchanges then from many of the sexual encounters I've had in the past.
I'm really looking forward to having a sexual relationship with a woman. Someone told me about a women today. I still have to wait back to hear more. We'll see.
Saturday, November 26, 2011
2 Steps Forward, 1 Giants Step Back
So am going to be leaving my parents house soon. Here is a recap, 1 step forward is I didn't masturbating since I've been, which could be a first, as I've live in that house since I was about 8 years old.
The 2nd step forward, after a Friday night community gathering, I walked right up to a woman to speak to her. We've spoken in the past briefly but we are always eye flirting when we see each other. I said to myself when I saw her that I am going to walk right up to her later, no matter if she is talking to other people (which is a huge first for me because I always used that as an excuse), and I did! I decided to do so because I didn't just want to eye flirt; I wanted to bring it into reality (like we are doing by getting off of porn and focusing on real life). But I knew I wasn't going to force it as I had to speak to a few other people first. I also told my self, that if there was a reason outside of my control that would prevent me from speaking to her, I wouldn't awefulize it, rather it just wasn't meant to be. The conversation last a few minutes. It was nice, we laughed. Her friend and her brother was there. Interesting, I felt all my sex triggers were turned off. Maybe that because they were other people there or maybe my mind wanted to just focus on talking (which was probably for the best). I felt good about it afterwards because I went up to a women after psyching myself up to do so. Do you know how many times I've bailed in the past after telling myself the similar things? - MILLIONS :-) Maybe because isolated it. I was going to go to to her then, nothing more. It wasn't, "I'm going to talk to her, and then later, I'll get her number and then I'll fuck her!" It was just a conversation with a woman I'm attracted to, with no preconditions.
1 giant step backwards was I COULDN'T STOP FANTASYING, especially all of Friday! Its a miracle I didn't masturbate. t couldn't sleep last night, as the fantasies got more and more intense. I am assume I was upping the dopamine each time. However, come to think about it, I didn't masturbate or rub myself while I was fantasies, which is a plus. However much penis was very sensitive. I felt like I could have cum with out any touching or having an erection. I did do some air thrusts but stopped, as I thought I could cum just from that. Is that strange?
So I guess this holiday weekend was 2 and 1/2 steps forward (as I didn't rub myself while fantasizing) and 1 fairly large step backwards (fantasying). Do I just have to get the fantasying out of my system? I have noticed that since I've woke up from a midday nap, today I haven't fantasied at all. I am heading into the flatline people are always talking about? What is the flatline stage?
And God willing I am going climbing tomorrow...YAHOOOOO!!!
The 2nd step forward, after a Friday night community gathering, I walked right up to a woman to speak to her. We've spoken in the past briefly but we are always eye flirting when we see each other. I said to myself when I saw her that I am going to walk right up to her later, no matter if she is talking to other people (which is a huge first for me because I always used that as an excuse), and I did! I decided to do so because I didn't just want to eye flirt; I wanted to bring it into reality (like we are doing by getting off of porn and focusing on real life). But I knew I wasn't going to force it as I had to speak to a few other people first. I also told my self, that if there was a reason outside of my control that would prevent me from speaking to her, I wouldn't awefulize it, rather it just wasn't meant to be. The conversation last a few minutes. It was nice, we laughed. Her friend and her brother was there. Interesting, I felt all my sex triggers were turned off. Maybe that because they were other people there or maybe my mind wanted to just focus on talking (which was probably for the best). I felt good about it afterwards because I went up to a women after psyching myself up to do so. Do you know how many times I've bailed in the past after telling myself the similar things? - MILLIONS :-) Maybe because isolated it. I was going to go to to her then, nothing more. It wasn't, "I'm going to talk to her, and then later, I'll get her number and then I'll fuck her!" It was just a conversation with a woman I'm attracted to, with no preconditions.
1 giant step backwards was I COULDN'T STOP FANTASYING, especially all of Friday! Its a miracle I didn't masturbate. t couldn't sleep last night, as the fantasies got more and more intense. I am assume I was upping the dopamine each time. However, come to think about it, I didn't masturbate or rub myself while I was fantasies, which is a plus. However much penis was very sensitive. I felt like I could have cum with out any touching or having an erection. I did do some air thrusts but stopped, as I thought I could cum just from that. Is that strange?
So I guess this holiday weekend was 2 and 1/2 steps forward (as I didn't rub myself while fantasizing) and 1 fairly large step backwards (fantasying). Do I just have to get the fantasying out of my system? I have noticed that since I've woke up from a midday nap, today I haven't fantasied at all. I am heading into the flatline people are always talking about? What is the flatline stage?
And God willing I am going climbing tomorrow...YAHOOOOO!!!
From Friday
Today is day 30 of no PMF and its ben 33 days since my last O. All day my urges to M and O have come on strong. Being at home at my parents home for Thanksgiving and the weekend. I'm bored and lonely. I need some excitement. I didn't climb this week. I miss it. Cant wait for Sunday so I can climb. I really do need a girlfriend but I can tell that my I'm not ready for it yet. I'll take more aggressive approach when I start seeing more improvement. I want to start seeing morning wood erections. I also wants to see myself get full healthy erections before making a move. I don't want to hold myself back but I also don't want to rush it.
Friday, November 25, 2011
Great Comment!
This is a GREAT comment written by a blogger on Reuniting.info
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You're looking for an excuse to PMO.
I know because I've been there bro. Your brain/reward circuitry will try everything it can for you to PMO.
This can come out in things like:
- 'This is the last time I look at Porn' Evvverr. (And then it's NOT)
- 'I'll only look at a couple a sites and I'll only look'
- T'hat chick was so hot, I need some relief'
- 'Ok I'm trying to quit and I fucked up but hey, I can have a 3 strikes policy right...maybe THIS time doesnt even really count?' (It DOES)
- 'I'll only look at a couple a sites and I'll only look'
- T'hat chick was so hot, I need some relief'
- 'Ok I'm trying to quit and I fucked up but hey, I can have a 3 strikes policy right...maybe THIS time doesnt even really count?' (It DOES)
and a common 1 (for me anyway)
- 'all my friends have hot ass girlfriends/sex/etc...I DESERVE to look at Porn...why douldn't I have some pleasure??...and you only have 1 life right? what's the harm? and besides, it's the LAST time, I'm in control of this!'
- 'all my friends have hot ass girlfriends/sex/etc...I DESERVE to look at Porn...why douldn't I have some pleasure??...and you only have 1 life right? what's the harm? and besides, it's the LAST time, I'm in control of this!'
NO YOU AREN'T, It's another TRICK your brain is playing on you!
OR what you are doing HERE:
- 'My friend can have sex like 6 times including masturbation... i rarely masturbate so maybe my problem isn't the porn but something else, wtf, maybe I should just PMO and it'll feel good (with the subtext: and I can be as hard for as long as I want, perfect control)'
DON'T DO IT! DON'T M TO P...ESP *RIGHT NOW*... IT'S A TRICK, A LIE.
Living in the past can lead to depression and living in the future can lead to anxiety but living in the PRESENT can lead to PEACE.
Sensitivity
I noticed that my penis had a lot more sensitivity this morning, and that was just from naturally brushing it while rolling over. I fought the urge to fantasize and to prevent myself from rubbing myself into the bed. I wasn't successfully. My fantasies, as most often, are about missed opportunities and wow do I have a lot of them. During the fantasies I do find my self trying to fight against them. Even though the "skin" seems sensitive, I didn't get an erection.
Often during fantasying an during my PMO days, I often found my self putting myself in the role of the woman. I often found this easier and more relaxing and I could cum quicker. If you look at most porn the man is the work horse not showing an outward sign of enjoyment and the woman is just sitting back and have a great experience. Hello, who wouldn't want to be the one not having to do much and just take pleasure. Truth is though, I'm straight and would much rather be the one giving pleasure.
This morning I fought myself from fantasying as the women, when in the past I would and would cum very quickly (mostly because I would relax). I think I did that because I think it is a bit painful to think of myself as the guy with a hard on but I don't have one (I need to start putting a lot less pressure on myself and just know that the erections are GOING to come back it just going to take a little time). What is also odd, is I used to often fantasize about being a woman (often a missed connection) sleeping with myself. I think a lot of that also has to do with loneliness. Making myself my own hook up - how pathetic.
Last night I went to be realizing that I am very lonely. A lot of my porn viewing was to due my (self imposed) loneliness for sure. It was easier than taking the risk of being rejected, even when you know they woman likes you. Why? Relationships are "involving". Porn is a simulation of just the good stuff. Relationships, even when its just friends with benefits, takes some sort of effort and attachment. Its easier to just secluded yourself to your bedroom, watch porn, be depressed...it takes not effort. Since being abstinent (no pmfo), I really one to be WITH a woman both sexually and as a friend.
I am at my parents for Thanksgiving, its amazing how many old urges come back. I'm proud I haven't given in. If I don't give in here, I will most likely not give in anywhere.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Inception
Its Thanksgiving and I came home to visit my parents and when ever I do I break my rule not to watch TV. I choose to watch the movie Inception.
There are things about the movie that stood out.
1. It is refreshing to see a major movie with out an explicit sex scene.
2. This whole rebooting process feels like coming out of the deep dream states the characters were in. This whole addiction has been one long nightmare, masking itself as reality but the truth is you are in a dream (something unreal) - a bad nightmare that you can't wake yourself out of...you're in it so long you can't tell the difference anymore.
I've (we've) been in a comma. I've missed so much of my life, so many important stages and phases I should have gone through but didn't. Stuck in my own mind and hooked on a falsehood which pornography is...replacing my missed reality with it.
These fantasies that persist and the cravings and urges they causes are no more than learned behavior attempting to fill something that is missing in my life...and why is missing is "reality." By hiding in porn use, we "protect" ourselves from that bad that can come in life. In porn their is always a happy ending. But the truth is, something in side of us all realize that life isn't an endless stream of happiness. Something is wrong with this "picture". Its not normal what we are doing or which we have done. And when we realizes this, part of us (like "Ma's" character in Inception) doesn't want to wake up and it will do anything to hold us back...it keep us in the dream of porn. But just as the characters in Inception who literally do battle and risk life and limb to wake up, SO DO WE have to do battle and risk discomfort, pain, and other withdrawal systems and risks of relapse to awake out of our addiction. Its hard but success will be the reward.
--- I've also been watching climbing videos online. I look at all these "young" faces out in the wilderness, being active, taking risks, living LIFE and I look back at my last 15 or so years and I spent it glued to a screen, be it TV or Computer. I can't/I won't live that life anymore.
There are things about the movie that stood out.
1. It is refreshing to see a major movie with out an explicit sex scene.
2. This whole rebooting process feels like coming out of the deep dream states the characters were in. This whole addiction has been one long nightmare, masking itself as reality but the truth is you are in a dream (something unreal) - a bad nightmare that you can't wake yourself out of...you're in it so long you can't tell the difference anymore.
I've (we've) been in a comma. I've missed so much of my life, so many important stages and phases I should have gone through but didn't. Stuck in my own mind and hooked on a falsehood which pornography is...replacing my missed reality with it.
These fantasies that persist and the cravings and urges they causes are no more than learned behavior attempting to fill something that is missing in my life...and why is missing is "reality." By hiding in porn use, we "protect" ourselves from that bad that can come in life. In porn their is always a happy ending. But the truth is, something in side of us all realize that life isn't an endless stream of happiness. Something is wrong with this "picture". Its not normal what we are doing or which we have done. And when we realizes this, part of us (like "Ma's" character in Inception) doesn't want to wake up and it will do anything to hold us back...it keep us in the dream of porn. But just as the characters in Inception who literally do battle and risk life and limb to wake up, SO DO WE have to do battle and risk discomfort, pain, and other withdrawal systems and risks of relapse to awake out of our addiction. Its hard but success will be the reward.
--- I've also been watching climbing videos online. I look at all these "young" faces out in the wilderness, being active, taking risks, living LIFE and I look back at my last 15 or so years and I spent it glued to a screen, be it TV or Computer. I can't/I won't live that life anymore.
Totally Disappointed
Couldn't sleep tonight. its 4:15 in the mornings. One of the reasons has to be my late night computer use. A doctor told me so but I couldn't pull myself away. I had to add a blog post, etc.
I did fantasized tonight. A first it was ok, it felt great to think about sex. I noticed my erection was somewhat fuller and that it took a longer time to go down than in the past. But it slippery sloped into edging. I almost ejactulated but I stopped. I actually yelled out my self, IF YOU WANT TO DO THIS THEN DO IT AND STOP THINKING ABOUT IT. I got up to pee, I definitely peed out semen. I currently have a "relieved" feeling.
I don't think this counts as a relapse.
I did fantasized tonight. A first it was ok, it felt great to think about sex. I noticed my erection was somewhat fuller and that it took a longer time to go down than in the past. But it slippery sloped into edging. I almost ejactulated but I stopped. I actually yelled out my self, IF YOU WANT TO DO THIS THEN DO IT AND STOP THINKING ABOUT IT. I got up to pee, I definitely peed out semen. I currently have a "relieved" feeling.
I don't think this counts as a relapse.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Nurofeedback
I was going to wait until tomorrow to post this but what the heck -
Shortly before I found yourbrainonporn and reuniting I started doing Nurofeedback/EEG treatment. I originally went because I felt that my internet use had caused me to have severe ADHD. I also let the doctor know that I suffer from mysterious ED (which I've told all my doctors hoping for an answer). When I told him about the information I found on YBOP and porn induction erectlye disfunction, the Doctor conquered and said that it seemingly makes sense. He also told me that nurofeedback is extremely successful in treating other forms of addiction.
From my personal experience, I can say 100%, that I have been as successful as I have been 27 days due large in part to the nurofeedback treatment. I have seen a very noticeable change in my impulsive behavior, much of which contributed to my pmfo addiction, since doing the treatment. Here is some links to nurofeedback and addiction as well as information on how to find a practitioner.
http://www.isnr.org/isnrlist.cfm - I am sure you can do a google search for nurofeedback in your local area. If you need someone in the New York City metro area, email me and I give you a good doctor.
You may also want to talk to Gary or Marnia or your personal Dr. but its helped me.
Great Link!
Porn Addiction Is Not Sex Addiction--And Why It Matters (our latest PT post)
More Natural
So there is a woman from work I met. For some reason every woman I met with her particular name I have natural chemistry with. She isn't what you'd say our culture project as beautiful but I am attracted to her regardless.
While driving home tonight I was thinking about her and I got butterflies in my stomach (remember them) and I started to have a "more natural erection; just from those butterflies and from thinking about having sex with her. A more natural erection meaning, my erection in the past would only get hard enough to allow for ejacutlation. This time it "grew more naturally" - I don't know how else to explain it. When it got to the point where it would normally be find to ejaculate I did feel like cumin but I told myself "No, thats not what I am looking for, keep growing."
However, I did slow down because I don't want to fantasize to much.
While driving home tonight I was thinking about her and I got butterflies in my stomach (remember them) and I started to have a "more natural erection; just from those butterflies and from thinking about having sex with her. A more natural erection meaning, my erection in the past would only get hard enough to allow for ejacutlation. This time it "grew more naturally" - I don't know how else to explain it. When it got to the point where it would normally be find to ejaculate I did feel like cumin but I told myself "No, thats not what I am looking for, keep growing."
However, I did slow down because I don't want to fantasize to much.
Monday, November 21, 2011
Porn affected how I think about relationships
I've been watching some videos on the meaning of marriage and today I've begun to understand that porn hasn't just affected me physically (dopamine levels and ed) but also the way I view relationships.
A few blogs ago I mentioned how durning my pmfo days, talking to another guy I just met would have been seen as "gay". And why is it that I feel that if I see an attractive women, I go from the thought of talking to her and thinking that she'll be giving me head shortly later?
The porn has wrapped me to think that just because I am sexually attracted to her and therefor I have to immediately fuck her. Talk about about pressure! A woman dressing or behaving in an attractive way is her communicating no verbally (I think) - "approach me, learn more about me, get to know me and then you can have some fun with me." Or more to the point, "NOTICE ME! I'm here and human and would like to talk to you to, give me a chance and come talk to me."
I have to unlearn this concept from porn/movies/tv that you get to jump into bed with a woman 2 minutes after meeting them and its totally normal and no one has any sexual hang ups and don't forget no woman is ever having her period at that time. I've stopped watching tv but torward the end of last seasons Lost I watch a few minutes and of course, the guy meets the women, they got out for dinner and then he is getting out of her bed, all in the course of 2 minutes and 45 secs.
Its more than porn, its the whole hyper-sexualized culture we live in. Maybe thats why we have this need to jerk off to a woman just because we think she is hot. We need to start think "She is hot, let me give it a shot and talk to her regardless if she gives me positive or negative feedback, because I'd rather be doing it WITH her than doing it by myself thinking about her."
A few blogs ago I mentioned how durning my pmfo days, talking to another guy I just met would have been seen as "gay". And why is it that I feel that if I see an attractive women, I go from the thought of talking to her and thinking that she'll be giving me head shortly later?
The porn has wrapped me to think that just because I am sexually attracted to her and therefor I have to immediately fuck her. Talk about about pressure! A woman dressing or behaving in an attractive way is her communicating no verbally (I think) - "approach me, learn more about me, get to know me and then you can have some fun with me." Or more to the point, "NOTICE ME! I'm here and human and would like to talk to you to, give me a chance and come talk to me."
I have to unlearn this concept from porn/movies/tv that you get to jump into bed with a woman 2 minutes after meeting them and its totally normal and no one has any sexual hang ups and don't forget no woman is ever having her period at that time. I've stopped watching tv but torward the end of last seasons Lost I watch a few minutes and of course, the guy meets the women, they got out for dinner and then he is getting out of her bed, all in the course of 2 minutes and 45 secs.
Its more than porn, its the whole hyper-sexualized culture we live in. Maybe thats why we have this need to jerk off to a woman just because we think she is hot. We need to start think "She is hot, let me give it a shot and talk to her regardless if she gives me positive or negative feedback, because I'd rather be doing it WITH her than doing it by myself thinking about her."
Whoa...WHAT WAS THAT!
Ok...so...I took Marina's (the woman behind reuniting.info [Gary, her husband is the man behind reuniting.info and yourbrainonporn) advise and choose to return some attention when I get it (Also see the comment she made on the blog I posted before this one).
This one women in my office (not my company but the same office, its a shared office floor) and I always look at each other, occasionally say hello but thats about it, its always kind of awkward. Today, she was walking and talking too someone on her cell phone in the hall wall and she walked to my office door, stopped in front of my door, put her hand on her hip, twirled and then walked the other way. OK, Even I am not THAT dumb not to notice that and see it as a signal.
I finally made the decision that I am going to go over and just say "Hello" nothing more. So about 5 minutes ago, she walked past my office, I figured she was going to the kitchen (which I had to get some tissues so I had an excuse), so I got up and went there, KNOWING I was going be the "aggressor"...HOLY SHIT...as I started walking there my dick started tingling like you can't believe, I thought I was going to cum in my pants before I got to the kitchen! I saw her, said "Hello", she said hello back, I got my tissues (as we booth stood their awkwardly as there was a lot being unsaid [mostly by me]) and went back to my desk.
It felt great AND my dick is still sensitive!
Ppppphhhheeeewwww (big depth breath let out).
Morning Woes.
Last night when i was having urges I had an amazing experience praying to G-d for help, very spiritual experience. The rest of the night I had no issues.
This morning started out well but then my mind went hunting and I allowed it to do so. A small fantasy led it to others and finally thought of a woman who I desire enough that I started fantasying and edging by grinding into my bed. Spent way to much time doing that this morning. I didn't cum. When I came on line to write this I started "surfing" and I did have an urge to look at porn.
Today is 26 no pm(f) and 29 of no O. I am a little disappointed Reading about guys who relapse well into the process makes me nervous. During the sexual urges my mind gets so compulsive and obsessed on the fantasy they're isn't enough room my to remember about all the progress I've been making.
This morning started out well but then my mind went hunting and I allowed it to do so. A small fantasy led it to others and finally thought of a woman who I desire enough that I started fantasying and edging by grinding into my bed. Spent way to much time doing that this morning. I didn't cum. When I came on line to write this I started "surfing" and I did have an urge to look at porn.
Today is 26 no pm(f) and 29 of no O. I am a little disappointed Reading about guys who relapse well into the process makes me nervous. During the sexual urges my mind gets so compulsive and obsessed on the fantasy they're isn't enough room my to remember about all the progress I've been making.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Relapse Worry!
This morning I woke up with with aggressive sexual urges. I did grind a little bit in my bed. I can see why its easy to relapses, I just got the hint of wanted to cum and I realized I had to stop because I'm sensitive enough and don't want to risk it. The fantasy was based on a woman I meet in a bar years ago (another missed opportunity - and an important point, keep reading). The whole morning I wanted to "fuck" a woman. Yes some of of it is porn influenced (I haven't been looking at porn, more of a learned behavior I guess) but I think this is a urge I naturally have. I accepted that is one aspect of my sexuality and not its entirety, so I felt much more comfortable with it, so I went on with my day. I did notice that while I wasn't getting "full erections" by any stretch of imagination I do believe that there is more blood in my penis (harder) than before going abstience.
I went rock climbing again today. A good time, I felt good, but I didn't get the high from last time but I did tire myself out. I noticed I'm getting stronger. I can climb and hold longer.
I did notice some looks from women today which was nice. I had an awkward situation with one of them. Let me explain:
This woman and I were continually making glances at each other for a while. However, I'm not looking to get involved right now (various reasons). Additionally, I went with a friend today and wanted to focus on climbing. The woman eventually came over to where I was in the gym but with her male friend. MY friend, an issuance sales man, does his best to introduce himself to everyone, so he started talking to her friend about climbing and they got into their own conversation. At which point she turned her attention right at me. I can be shy but add the compounding confusion of her guy friend being right there, me not looking to get involved, among another things, I choose not to say anything. Due to this, I noticed her posture change, she was pissed, she wouldn't look at me. I was sad that I may have made her feel bad. However, when she was leaving we walked right past each other and she lip sealed smiled and I gave one back. She also looked back at me before she left. Very frustrating. (BTW, I know most of you are going to focus on this point of how I should have spoken to her, etc, etc, there are other issues at play her that I'm not going to speak about but it was a no go.)
I definitely did a mental scan of her body and her face. Its in my head. I realized as I am preparing for bed that those feelings of wanting to 'fuck' on turning towards her. Additionally, a lot of my masturbation and fantasy in the past has been based on missed opportunities - as if I am "doing" what I missed out on.
I don't want to relapse! Every time I push her out of my head, of course another woman from the gym pops in my head - if you've ever wondered where are the beautiful women are hiding (its ridiculous!). I have a database of 4 from today, LOL. This is why I mentioned a hotline! 1-800-HELP-ME-I'M-GOING-TO-JERK OFF - lol.
I went rock climbing again today. A good time, I felt good, but I didn't get the high from last time but I did tire myself out. I noticed I'm getting stronger. I can climb and hold longer.
I did notice some looks from women today which was nice. I had an awkward situation with one of them. Let me explain:
This woman and I were continually making glances at each other for a while. However, I'm not looking to get involved right now (various reasons). Additionally, I went with a friend today and wanted to focus on climbing. The woman eventually came over to where I was in the gym but with her male friend. MY friend, an issuance sales man, does his best to introduce himself to everyone, so he started talking to her friend about climbing and they got into their own conversation. At which point she turned her attention right at me. I can be shy but add the compounding confusion of her guy friend being right there, me not looking to get involved, among another things, I choose not to say anything. Due to this, I noticed her posture change, she was pissed, she wouldn't look at me. I was sad that I may have made her feel bad. However, when she was leaving we walked right past each other and she lip sealed smiled and I gave one back. She also looked back at me before she left. Very frustrating. (BTW, I know most of you are going to focus on this point of how I should have spoken to her, etc, etc, there are other issues at play her that I'm not going to speak about but it was a no go.)
I definitely did a mental scan of her body and her face. Its in my head. I realized as I am preparing for bed that those feelings of wanting to 'fuck' on turning towards her. Additionally, a lot of my masturbation and fantasy in the past has been based on missed opportunities - as if I am "doing" what I missed out on.
I don't want to relapse! Every time I push her out of my head, of course another woman from the gym pops in my head - if you've ever wondered where are the beautiful women are hiding (its ridiculous!). I have a database of 4 from today, LOL. This is why I mentioned a hotline! 1-800-HELP-ME-I'M-GOING-TO-JERK OFF - lol.
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Before you relapse watch THIS!
Before you relapse watch this. Two of the best scenes in movie history. Y
OU DO NEED TO PORN, IT DOESN'T HELP YOU! YOU HAVE A PURPOSE IN LIFE AND ITS NOT TO BE STUCK IN FRONT OF A COMPUTER!
A post from reuniting.info
Here is a post from someone who is on day 60!!!! I post it just so people can get another prospective besides my own.
Yes! Today we made it to day 60.
I'm proud. It's actually weird in a way, but as others mentioned before, after a while the abstaining just gets routine. The last 3 weeks or so seemed so easy, and my mind was so busy with other interesting things to do: music, study, exercising, getting out with friends, meeting new people...
These things defenitely help you in the process, and the fun part is that all these activities become even more intense as our brains now seek their dopamine rush in the little things.
I don't think it wasn't so much 'abstaining' in a strict sense after a while. A year ago I couldn't imagine that a human could make it without sex for so long, so easy.
For me this is a very interesting experiment. I believe I still can be triggered by porn though, even this week flashbacks seemed to come out of nowhere, but deliberately putting them off makes them disappear as fast as they turned up, and just seems the right thing to do.
I'm definetly a better man right now. Before all this, I was planning to work on my flawed social skills in the future. I'm not saying I'm the alpha male all of a sudden, and there is still work to be done on that area, but man, I feel much more comfortable with myself and with others nowadays. Beautiful.
I'm proud. It's actually weird in a way, but as others mentioned before, after a while the abstaining just gets routine. The last 3 weeks or so seemed so easy, and my mind was so busy with other interesting things to do: music, study, exercising, getting out with friends, meeting new people...
These things defenitely help you in the process, and the fun part is that all these activities become even more intense as our brains now seek their dopamine rush in the little things.
I don't think it wasn't so much 'abstaining' in a strict sense after a while. A year ago I couldn't imagine that a human could make it without sex for so long, so easy.
For me this is a very interesting experiment. I believe I still can be triggered by porn though, even this week flashbacks seemed to come out of nowhere, but deliberately putting them off makes them disappear as fast as they turned up, and just seems the right thing to do.
I'm definetly a better man right now. Before all this, I was planning to work on my flawed social skills in the future. I'm not saying I'm the alpha male all of a sudden, and there is still work to be done on that area, but man, I feel much more comfortable with myself and with others nowadays. Beautiful.
No girlfriend yet, but I'm not interested in a relationship right now. As you can read in my other entries, I've gone through some serious doubts about my sexuality the last year. Porn triggered some weird viewing behaviour, for unforeseen and absurd material, which I now all see as an acquired taste.
So I think I need to give myself some time to getting close to women. It seems more fun to interact with women nowadays though. And I believe it's getting better.
So I think I need to give myself some time to getting close to women. It seems more fun to interact with women nowadays though. And I believe it's getting better.
One of the few confusing parts right now are the sexually tinted dreams. Sometimes they cover an early porn scene or really weird stuff. Other times I'm dreaming that I couldn't hold it anymore and relapsed. But I read some advice over here to not give them too much attention. I think that's important. I don't believe dreams reveal an ultimate truth. I do think they bring aspects of inner conflict to the surface, like abstaining from porn is.
someday
Well to tell you the truth :-)A friend of mine was taken aback by my behavior today. I was so happy and outgoing...I even "look better". He wanted to know what was going on with me. Did I get engaged? Well to tell you the truth...I've stopped masturbating, looking at porn, thinking about sex and orgasming. LOL. I didn't tell him that but just said things are good.
A friend of mine was taken aback by my behavior today. I was so happy and outgoing...I even "look better". He wanted to know what was going on with me. Did I get engaged? Well to tell you the truth...I've stopped masturbating, looking at porn, thinking about sex and orgasming. LOL. I didn't tell him that but just said things are good.
Well Actually...
A friend of mine asked me "whats going on?!" He said I'm seem so much happier and I look better, he asked if I got engaged....haha. Um well no, actually... I stopped masturbating. LOL!
Friday, November 18, 2011
From another Abstianer
I am reposting this from another abstainer who blogged on reuniting.info. A good insight from someone else's experiences over coming porn addiction.
A sense of perspective: I was being a little hard on myself the other day.
Fri, 2011-11-18 07:40 —
Just keep on going man, don't get frustrated by what you imagine she may be thinking because you may be totally wrong. Also, she wouldn't be with you if she didn't want to. Anybody can be anywhere they want at any time and if she's still with you, it's because she cares about you
I realised I was being very hard on myself the other day after a less than perfect sexual interaction. I'm surprised this level of insecurity surfaced. I obviously still have some work to do with getting to know and feel confident in myself. To summarise I was thinking that perhaps I wasn't the man for my girlfriend and that she deserved a man who doesn't have any sexual problems.
The comments I received on my last blog post gave me a much needed sense of perspective. Thanks to everyone. You guys are amazing! The other night was great, not perfect, but still great. A fun, chilled night with my lady, connecting and enjoying each other in the bedroom. Waking up in the middle of the night to have sex. Having time to play before going to work. I really was focusing on a small negative and overlooking a large series of positives.
I guess I looked at the reboot as a 100% guarantee solution. Just don't PMO and you will be back to normal. I realise it also takes work on yourself and time once you finish. Hell, when we first met my penis was almost dead. The last two times we've been together we've had sex. Once I 'enter' there is no issue staying hard. There has been so much improvement. Things are only going to get better.
Sexual interactions are a time of connecting, a time to be intimate and close. I want penetrative sex to feel this connection to her rather than the orgasm itself. What I need to learn is to quieten the thoughts in my mind. Am I getting hard? How hard am I now? Why am I not hard at the moment? Before I had this problem I didn't know about ED so these thoughts simply weren't on my mind. I was just relaxed and enjoying the moment. But now I have a bit of a backlog of negative sexual experiences. I guess it will just take time to fully get over this. Immersion is the key. Physically I'm fixed. Relaxation, breathing, adoring her gorgeous body and being.
I also imagined a scenario where things were reversed. If this particular girl had insecurities about her body or sex, or a low sex drive I wouldn't run. I care for her too much. I'd be there to help her and us get through any problem. Our relationship is more than casual sex. It's her, the person that I am into. Her sensuality, femininity, caring and nurturing nature, intelligence, sense of humour, quirks, peculiarities, and idiosyncrasies. Knowing this and the way she feels removes this doubt. It was a useful thought experiment.
I'm going to stop recording the day count as it doesn't seem relevant anymore. To all intents and purposes the reboot is complete. I'm never going to use porn again. I can say that with complete conviction. Watching an image of a naked girl on a computer screen? That feels like a previous life which doesn't interest me now. I've taken off my restriction on O with my partner and am even considering mixing in the occasional MO without fantasy.
As for the relationship I can see a real future between us. Unlike other relationships I've started I don't feel giddy with excitement or the reverse, feeling afraid or scared. It just feels comfortable and natural. Right. She asked me to move in with her, an offhand comment as I am looking for a new place in the city. We both laughed and said that would be an awful idea at this point but it's interesting she had that thought. I travel a lot, splitting my time between two countries, so this is something that I entertained as a possibility. Who knows. Day by day. No pressure. No defining. Just living in the moment and enjoying it for what it is.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Amazing...Again!
Tonight I went rock climbing for the second time. And afterwords I got the first orgasmic experience without actually having had an orgasm. My dopamine must have kicked in big time because the only thing I could compare how I felt after was was have a great jerk off :-) Please note I am not suggesting to jerk off (its been a long time since I felt great jerking off - but I've never had a great orgasm with a woman before so that what I compared it too). I was also full of energy after words it was great and before I went climbing I was exhausted.
I am more well balanced and confident then I was doing PMFO. Here are example from tonight:
1. I was slightly anxious before hand but I was able to focus on myself, rather than others, and focus on what my goal was being there. I wasn't worried about what others were doing (that voyeur-ism effect porn has on you even if you don't realize it), just what I needed to do.
2. The instructor from my beginner class told me that its best to watch women climb at the beginning because unlike men, who start by climbing with their upper body strength, women have to use their entire bodies to climb, which is the way it was suppose to be done. The first wall I attacked tonight I couldn't get up (pun wasn't intended however...hahah). 3 or 4 times I tried but I couldn't place my feet right. So what happens? A small feminine woman walks over and climbs right up the wall I had been trying to do but couldn't. It was a little humbling but I got a kick out seeing her do it and was happy I learned from her how to accomplish my goal. When I was PMFOing, my sense of manhood would have been crushed by the sight of this. But tonight I just had fun with it and felt no less confident when I finally climb the wall by doing what I watch her do.
3. There was another guy there who was wearing similar religious symbol as me. I took the initiative to be friendly with him when I saw that he noticed me too. We got to speaking and he helped me climb, as he was the more experienced climber. Durning my PMFO days I could never have done that. A. talk to a random guy at a gym in friendly chat. B. take advise from another guy on how to do something. Not only that, later, I told him that next time he comes to this gym to email me (he usually goes to another one) because maybe I'll be going that night too. Durning my PMFO days, when I saw everything through the lenses of sex, swapping info with another guy would have been way to gay for me. Tonight, it was just a friendly conversation with someone I had a few things in common with. Manhood and hetro-ness not effected at the slightest.
Anyway, thanks for reading this and the best of luck to everyone one of us! This site and all of you are a big help.
I am more well balanced and confident then I was doing PMFO. Here are example from tonight:
1. I was slightly anxious before hand but I was able to focus on myself, rather than others, and focus on what my goal was being there. I wasn't worried about what others were doing (that voyeur-ism effect porn has on you even if you don't realize it), just what I needed to do.
2. The instructor from my beginner class told me that its best to watch women climb at the beginning because unlike men, who start by climbing with their upper body strength, women have to use their entire bodies to climb, which is the way it was suppose to be done. The first wall I attacked tonight I couldn't get up (pun wasn't intended however...hahah). 3 or 4 times I tried but I couldn't place my feet right. So what happens? A small feminine woman walks over and climbs right up the wall I had been trying to do but couldn't. It was a little humbling but I got a kick out seeing her do it and was happy I learned from her how to accomplish my goal. When I was PMFOing, my sense of manhood would have been crushed by the sight of this. But tonight I just had fun with it and felt no less confident when I finally climb the wall by doing what I watch her do.
3. There was another guy there who was wearing similar religious symbol as me. I took the initiative to be friendly with him when I saw that he noticed me too. We got to speaking and he helped me climb, as he was the more experienced climber. Durning my PMFO days I could never have done that. A. talk to a random guy at a gym in friendly chat. B. take advise from another guy on how to do something. Not only that, later, I told him that next time he comes to this gym to email me (he usually goes to another one) because maybe I'll be going that night too. Durning my PMFO days, when I saw everything through the lenses of sex, swapping info with another guy would have been way to gay for me. Tonight, it was just a friendly conversation with someone I had a few things in common with. Manhood and hetro-ness not effected at the slightest.
Anyway, thanks for reading this and the best of luck to everyone one of us! This site and all of you are a big help.
A sickening story
A sickening story about internet addition and its real life consequences.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2010/mar/05/korean-girl-starved-online-game?fb=optOut
http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2010/mar/05/korean-girl-starved-online-game?fb=optOut
To much coffee.
I had too much coffee this morning. Double what I usually have. I have the inner shakes....but I do looooove my coffee....yes, this has nothing to do with No PMFO but whatever...its a thought I needed to share.
Sleep & Dream
So as usual, I'm only getting into bed after midnight last night but I did take melatonin and had some camomile tea around 10:30pm. I actually woke up much earlier than usually. I was out of bed around 6:30am which is amazing for me. I think one of the reason is because before I went to bed I did a recounting of my day and thought about what is important to me. Yesterday I began to really internalize how important praying in the morning is to me and how I don't want to have to rush through it or quickly make it up later in the day (as I usually due because I wake up late). I notice that my day at work is always more productive if I've prayed in the morning. Which is why I think I wasn't so focused on sex fantazing this morning. However...
...I did have a very odd dream before I woke up. I had already began the waking up process, as I was no longer in a deep sleep but I was definitetly sleeping and dreaming. The dream was basically trying to get me to engage in a fantasy and to masturbate to something sexual that I am principally aganist (though it is legal, I don't want to say what is because everyone has something they are principally against, so maybe you can relate to trying to fight you individual urge of your addiction to M to something you are opposed to). I kept saying no, but it keep drawing me in further and further, showing me more humiliating images, it was like I was being propelled in but it was my something inside me saying no and arguing against those those trying to draw me in. And you know what? I was able to overcome and I smoothly woke up out of the dream and not have those feelings remain and most importantly completely undisturbed.
I think thats a good sign. I think I'm showing to my self I don't want to go any further with this sexual depravity that PMFO is and I want to start doing what I desire do rather than following the desires of pornographers. The dream also shows that even if we feel out of control and propelled into engage in porn we don't want to see, as long as we use our inner voice and keep telling our selfs no, and arguing against the urges, not matter how much they seem to control us, we CAN "wake up" from this addiction and be undisturbed by it.
Afterwords, I did have a few urges to fantasize about normal things (like the first girl I err kissed) but I was able to control them. I just got happy while write that because the morning has always been such a difficult time for me to control MF and O.
Anyway have a WONDERFUL DAY :-)
...I did have a very odd dream before I woke up. I had already began the waking up process, as I was no longer in a deep sleep but I was definitetly sleeping and dreaming. The dream was basically trying to get me to engage in a fantasy and to masturbate to something sexual that I am principally aganist (though it is legal, I don't want to say what is because everyone has something they are principally against, so maybe you can relate to trying to fight you individual urge of your addiction to M to something you are opposed to). I kept saying no, but it keep drawing me in further and further, showing me more humiliating images, it was like I was being propelled in but it was my something inside me saying no and arguing against those those trying to draw me in. And you know what? I was able to overcome and I smoothly woke up out of the dream and not have those feelings remain and most importantly completely undisturbed.
I think thats a good sign. I think I'm showing to my self I don't want to go any further with this sexual depravity that PMFO is and I want to start doing what I desire do rather than following the desires of pornographers. The dream also shows that even if we feel out of control and propelled into engage in porn we don't want to see, as long as we use our inner voice and keep telling our selfs no, and arguing against the urges, not matter how much they seem to control us, we CAN "wake up" from this addiction and be undisturbed by it.
Afterwords, I did have a few urges to fantasize about normal things (like the first girl I err kissed) but I was able to control them. I just got happy while write that because the morning has always been such a difficult time for me to control MF and O.
Anyway have a WONDERFUL DAY :-)
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Hey Jude
I just happened to listen to the Beatles song "Hey Jude" and I was blown away. I totally think it can be applied to what we are going through (even though I read its actually about heroin [damn hippies]).
Think of you self as Jude, and the bad and the sad are pmfo and "her" is the real woman you want to be with. Here are the lyrics.
Hey Jude don't make it bad
Take a sad song and make it better
Remember to let her into your heart
Than you can start to make it better
Hey Jude don't be afraid
You were made to go out and get her
The minute you let her under your skin
Then you begin to make it better
And any time you feel the pain, Hey Jude (Refrain)
Don't carry the world upon your shoulders
For well you know that it's a fool who plays it cool
By making his world a little colder
Da da da da....
Hey Jude don't let me down
You have found her now go and get her
Remember to let her into your heart
Then you can start to make it better
So let it out and let it in
Hey Jude begin
You're waiting for someone to perform with
And don't you know that it's just you
Hey Jude you'll do
The movement you need is on your shoulder
Da da da da ...
Hey Jude don't make it bad
Take a sad song and make it better
Remember to let her under your skin
Then you'll begin to make it better better better
Da da da da da da da... Hey Jude...
"You're waiting for someone to perform with And don't you know that it's just you". See, we are WAITING for someone to preform with but its US that is holding us back because we are afraid because we are stuck on this unnatural porn habit! As he say - 'Hey Jude don't be afraid
You were made to go out and get her". Men are made to go out and GET THE WOMAN not sit and log into a box and watch some chick with someone else!
Seriously...awesome and motivating song when put into the context of what we are trying to accomplish here :-)
Think of you self as Jude, and the bad and the sad are pmfo and "her" is the real woman you want to be with. Here are the lyrics.
Hey Jude don't make it bad
Take a sad song and make it better
Remember to let her into your heart
Than you can start to make it better
Hey Jude don't be afraid
You were made to go out and get her
The minute you let her under your skin
Then you begin to make it better
And any time you feel the pain, Hey Jude (Refrain)
Don't carry the world upon your shoulders
For well you know that it's a fool who plays it cool
By making his world a little colder
Da da da da....
Hey Jude don't let me down
You have found her now go and get her
Remember to let her into your heart
Then you can start to make it better
So let it out and let it in
Hey Jude begin
You're waiting for someone to perform with
And don't you know that it's just you
Hey Jude you'll do
The movement you need is on your shoulder
Da da da da ...
Hey Jude don't make it bad
Take a sad song and make it better
Remember to let her under your skin
Then you'll begin to make it better better better
Da da da da da da da... Hey Jude...
"You're waiting for someone to perform with And don't you know that it's just you". See, we are WAITING for someone to preform with but its US that is holding us back because we are afraid because we are stuck on this unnatural porn habit! As he say - 'Hey Jude don't be afraid
You were made to go out and get her". Men are made to go out and GET THE WOMAN not sit and log into a box and watch some chick with someone else!
Seriously...awesome and motivating song when put into the context of what we are trying to accomplish here :-)
Comment I left
Here is a comment I left on reuniting.info, for a member who relapsed after 67 days of no porn and masturbation.
Good job on 67 days...
...but know for some guys it took 90+ days to regain their erection. However, you still have a big problem as you admit to "I'm in front of the computer for hours every day, gambling most of the time, watching movies, searching things on ebay and so on...". That is a completely unhealthy lifestyle. The computer drains you of your energy and I KNOW because I've gone through it and am withdrawing from it as much as I am porn.
You've become addicted to your computer. You brain is searching for constant stimuli, and the computer gives you access to it. Therefor, how do you expect to see the results other guys have if you aren't doing the things other guys are doing? You have to force yourself to go out and do other things. Its hard, I know, but if you can do 67 days, you can definitely leave the computer screen.
I'll tel you this, I am much happier now that I don't watch movies (and I don't mean just porn but all movies). There is nothing on ebay you HAVE to own and their is nothing on ebay that you can't get at local store (unless you count the $3 million dollar painting of Bob Barker). And gambling is a waste of a man's time and resources but if you LOVE it that much at least find a local poker game where you can interact with REAL PEOPLE. You may even make a friend or two.
This is not just about what you don't do but its also about what you are doing. You have to restrain yourself in some aspects of your life and push your ass in others to be successful at this. I'm only on day 21 (24 no O) but my attitude is that I've already accomplished this, I just need to bring it into reality.
Trust that God has given you enough strength and intelligence to achieve your goal and then go out and achieve it.
http://nopmfo.blogspot.com/
http://nopmfo.blogspot.com/
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Dogs
I used to hate dogs. I was scratched and chased by a few when I was younger so I didn't like them. I also didn't like how uncontrollable they are. Then my sister got a dog and that took away a lot of my phobias from being around dogs.
My sister got a new dog just as I started being abstinent from PMFO....seriously, every dog I see know I want to give a big hug too! Is that super strange?
My sister got a new dog just as I started being abstinent from PMFO....seriously, every dog I see know I want to give a big hug too! Is that super strange?
Reactions!
Before you read this...I didn't proof read it, and apple auto-correct is a pain in the ass. How you get the point anyway...
Some times I notice women become "uncomfortable" around me. For example, today in the elevator or waiting in the subway. This has happened in the past and I always got down on myself - "Wow, I am so horrible and they so great and mighty?! I so ugly, I suck, yada yada yada." And then I thought about it again.
The women in the elevator was later blatantly looking at me in the waiting room. Maybe she was anxious in the elevator because she was attracted to me and wasn't sure what to do, just as I've become anxious around women I'm attracted to and wasn't sure what to do.
The woman on the subway was minded her own business only to look up and see me looking directly at her as I was talk toward her (there was a clearing behind her). Maybe she was taken back by the sudden attention and wasn't sure what to do rather tan - "Oh MY, THAT GUY IS A MONSTER!" I did see her get a little more animated after I walked by. But I've done the same thing around random women I am attracted to. I want to appear busy for some reason, or to try to avoid showing them and to distract myself, to how attracted I am to them.
For example, when I got in the subway a very attractive woman walked in and I couldn't help but look a "little bit longer" then a normal check out. She noticed and kind of like "accepted the stare", I can't really explain it. Maybe she liked the attention (wait most women love attention). But I didn't want to just sit in stare so I "got busy" and pulled something out to read. Later I looked up and she also had a book out.
On the same subway ride I looked over to my right and saw an attractive woman looking right at me...I didn't know what to do so I looked away...Maybe she thought, "Oh am I so horrible...?".
The point is, we have to look at things positively. Porn used also made me look at things negative, like I was never good enough. Without it I've realized, that I am good enough. And I've also realized most of women in the world are NOT like the women in porn. The truth is we'll never be good enough for the women in porn because they are PORN HOOKERS! The second to last season of Entourage is a perfect example of this. Vince Chase, the biggest actor in Hollywood , with all his money, good looks etc, ends up not being good enough for his pom star girlfriend because she still wants to do porn. They aren't normal. I once saw an interview with a male porn star (who I had see perform) who stopped and became anti-porn because as he got to know the women he preformed with an they all said they had been sexually abused as children.
The truth is, 99% of women AREN'T PORN STARS. They are "normal" like us. They can be shy, nervous, anxious, lonely, etc. The problem is we "want" to cling to them as if they were porn stars BUT THEY AREN'T! We need to realize that porn is as real as Professional Wrestling. They might be actually wrestling but its not REAL.
Let us all let go of the porn and understand that the women we see and meet are real women, who really do want to be with a man but have their on insecurities and fears...just like us. And we need to man up and get up from in front of the computer and take the lead and let them know its ok for them to be with us, that don't expect them to be porn stars and accept them for who they are.
Yes...I know this was a giant ramble but deal with it...its a blog :-)
Some times I notice women become "uncomfortable" around me. For example, today in the elevator or waiting in the subway. This has happened in the past and I always got down on myself - "Wow, I am so horrible and they so great and mighty?! I so ugly, I suck, yada yada yada." And then I thought about it again.
The women in the elevator was later blatantly looking at me in the waiting room. Maybe she was anxious in the elevator because she was attracted to me and wasn't sure what to do, just as I've become anxious around women I'm attracted to and wasn't sure what to do.
The woman on the subway was minded her own business only to look up and see me looking directly at her as I was talk toward her (there was a clearing behind her). Maybe she was taken back by the sudden attention and wasn't sure what to do rather tan - "Oh MY, THAT GUY IS A MONSTER!" I did see her get a little more animated after I walked by. But I've done the same thing around random women I am attracted to. I want to appear busy for some reason, or to try to avoid showing them and to distract myself, to how attracted I am to them.
For example, when I got in the subway a very attractive woman walked in and I couldn't help but look a "little bit longer" then a normal check out. She noticed and kind of like "accepted the stare", I can't really explain it. Maybe she liked the attention (wait most women love attention). But I didn't want to just sit in stare so I "got busy" and pulled something out to read. Later I looked up and she also had a book out.
On the same subway ride I looked over to my right and saw an attractive woman looking right at me...I didn't know what to do so I looked away...Maybe she thought, "Oh am I so horrible...?".
The point is, we have to look at things positively. Porn used also made me look at things negative, like I was never good enough. Without it I've realized, that I am good enough. And I've also realized most of women in the world are NOT like the women in porn. The truth is we'll never be good enough for the women in porn because they are PORN HOOKERS! The second to last season of Entourage is a perfect example of this. Vince Chase, the biggest actor in Hollywood , with all his money, good looks etc, ends up not being good enough for his pom star girlfriend because she still wants to do porn. They aren't normal. I once saw an interview with a male porn star (who I had see perform) who stopped and became anti-porn because as he got to know the women he preformed with an they all said they had been sexually abused as children.
The truth is, 99% of women AREN'T PORN STARS. They are "normal" like us. They can be shy, nervous, anxious, lonely, etc. The problem is we "want" to cling to them as if they were porn stars BUT THEY AREN'T! We need to realize that porn is as real as Professional Wrestling. They might be actually wrestling but its not REAL.
Let us all let go of the porn and understand that the women we see and meet are real women, who really do want to be with a man but have their on insecurities and fears...just like us. And we need to man up and get up from in front of the computer and take the lead and let them know its ok for them to be with us, that don't expect them to be porn stars and accept them for who they are.
Yes...I know this was a giant ramble but deal with it...its a blog :-)
Monday, November 14, 2011
Careful
I'm true to be careful about what I write on this blog. I was going to share a link to an article I read about man's guilt over his porn viewing. However, the imagery they used in the article and the way he wrote it I was shaking. He mentioned which sites he went to, ones I never heard of, described what he had and I starting thinking - "Just take a look, forget about the K-9, do go".
I was honestly shaking while reading the article and my heart was pounding. The article was very personal in that way. I didn't want anyone else to risk relapse by reading it.
Which brings me to my next point..I really want to share in a blog about how I went over the deep end. But its so personal and I am afraid some people may LEARN from my mistakes (i.e.: repeat them) rather then learning how not to do them. I think its an important set in my recovery to write it but I have to find the time and have to get myself available to expose myself like this.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
AMAZING!
I feel AMAZING right now. Part of being abstinent is not just stopping porn viewing, masturbation, fantasy and orgasm...its about changing your life. Its about getting away from being upfront of the computer and living life. Being active.
This evening...I went ROCK CLIMBING! There is an indoor rock climbing place by where I live. I did the beginners class...I feel so good right now. The amazing thing about rock climbing is that its not like going to the gym and lifting weight. Its CHALLENGING both to your body and mind.
I'm really proud of myself for going. I was hesitating and had some anxiety but did it anyway. I could just sit in my room anymore. The energy I feel in my body right now is great.
For those of you reading this, its not about me "rock climbing". Its about being active. Getting yourself involved with something, being around others. Give it a shot!
Are You Addicted to Porn
Check out this link to find out more - http://yourbrainonporn.com/are-you-hooked-on-porn-ask-asam
Morning = Bad
So I came home last night around 7:30pm. I didn't get off the computer until midnight. And I wasn't looking at porn. So of course I couldn't sleep. So around 3pm I got up tried to read a book, but it wasn't enough automatic stimulation for me so I jumped on the computer and got the stimuli I needed. I eventually went to bed at 4:30pm. So I woke up today and I'm on the computer. Yes, I wanted to post this, but the first the I did was not go here but browse the internet first.
This morning was bad. I woke around 11:30pm. Of course, straight into fantasy. One fantasy into another, progressively getting more aggressive and progressively going off into fantasy of abnormal behaviors. I edged and was rubbing myself into my bed. I twisted over a few times to stop. I did reach for my penis and thankful I did stop at that point. At least I've be really self aware about not wrapping my hand around my penis.
One of the major things I have to do is change the way I think about sex. I don't NEED to fantasize about sex, I don't NEED to masturbate in anyway, etc. And I have t realize that these fantasies are just that and are in no way a reflex of real life. I think part of me thinks that fantasying and masturbating is a "real" substitute for sex. In addition, I don't NEED to have sex and any given time.
Here is a question...is edge better than orgasming or both worse? Because I feel like, well at least I didn't O.
At least the porn is out of the picture but I shouldn't watch those HBO shows either. None of it helps.
This morning was bad. I woke around 11:30pm. Of course, straight into fantasy. One fantasy into another, progressively getting more aggressive and progressively going off into fantasy of abnormal behaviors. I edged and was rubbing myself into my bed. I twisted over a few times to stop. I did reach for my penis and thankful I did stop at that point. At least I've be really self aware about not wrapping my hand around my penis.
One of the major things I have to do is change the way I think about sex. I don't NEED to fantasize about sex, I don't NEED to masturbate in anyway, etc. And I have t realize that these fantasies are just that and are in no way a reflex of real life. I think part of me thinks that fantasying and masturbating is a "real" substitute for sex. In addition, I don't NEED to have sex and any given time.
Here is a question...is edge better than orgasming or both worse? Because I feel like, well at least I didn't O.
At least the porn is out of the picture but I shouldn't watch those HBO shows either. None of it helps.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Morning is the DANGER ZONE!
I am in greatest danger of relapsing in the mornings when I wake up. When I originally lost my morning wood, I tried to masturbating it back. Meaning, in the mornings I would masturbate as a "reminder" - "Hey bro, time for you get UP!" Obviously it didn't work. Instead it made things worse and I got in to the practice of masturbating whenever I wake up...which is not a good thing to do.
Furthermore, I learned that if I was still exhausted when I woke up, sexual stimulation (fantasy) was a great way to get my system going and get me out of bed. The problem is, I easily get wrapped up into it and eventually I would edged for hours before getting out of bed.
Two out of the last three mornings have been really close to relapsing which is why I am writing this down now. A preparation for battle with the evil inclination :-)
When I did bio-feedback (I know do nuro-feedback which is helping a lot with the impulsiveness), it was recommend that I listen to "Baroque for Beauty Sleep" to get the brain in the right mood for sleep. I am listening to it now as I type this on the computer, which, along with tv, is the worst thing to be involved with before sleep.
Though that does remind of a time in college that my roommate and I were so tired one early evening that we took a power nap yet we were blasting The Prodigy Fat of the Lamb....which is one of the most hardcore techno albums ever, which should be impossible to fall asleep to. We had the lights off and I just remember the glow of the computer screen our other friend was using while we sleep. Such a surreal thing only happens in college...however college was still a waste of time and money for me...but back to the point...
Sleep good, porn bad. Sex good (sex with a wife better) masturbation bad. Waking up motivated good, walking up with fantasy and edging SUPERBAD! Orgasm after 20 days off holding back, BAD.
Reuniting.info and YBOP - Good! Continuing to write this blog post after making my point - bad.
Furthermore, I learned that if I was still exhausted when I woke up, sexual stimulation (fantasy) was a great way to get my system going and get me out of bed. The problem is, I easily get wrapped up into it and eventually I would edged for hours before getting out of bed.
Two out of the last three mornings have been really close to relapsing which is why I am writing this down now. A preparation for battle with the evil inclination :-)
When I did bio-feedback (I know do nuro-feedback which is helping a lot with the impulsiveness), it was recommend that I listen to "Baroque for Beauty Sleep" to get the brain in the right mood for sleep. I am listening to it now as I type this on the computer, which, along with tv, is the worst thing to be involved with before sleep.
Though that does remind of a time in college that my roommate and I were so tired one early evening that we took a power nap yet we were blasting The Prodigy Fat of the Lamb....which is one of the most hardcore techno albums ever, which should be impossible to fall asleep to. We had the lights off and I just remember the glow of the computer screen our other friend was using while we sleep. Such a surreal thing only happens in college...however college was still a waste of time and money for me...but back to the point...
Sleep good, porn bad. Sex good (sex with a wife better) masturbation bad. Waking up motivated good, walking up with fantasy and edging SUPERBAD! Orgasm after 20 days off holding back, BAD.
Reuniting.info and YBOP - Good! Continuing to write this blog post after making my point - bad.
Keeping my self "busy" by reading Yourbrainonporn.com
"NOTE: a former porn user will remain hyper-sensitive to any cues his brain associated with porn, for a very long time, and possibly indefinitely. This means that even a casual peek can activate your brain's old response and increase inner conflict. Stay away from porn. Resist the urge to test yourself by "just looking" to gauge how you're doing." Quoted from the end of this article - http://yourbrainonporn.com/rewire-your-brain-using-ocd-neuroscience
This was day 17 of no PMFO. Just now I watched an HBO show (these shows are the last as I finally cut out off all tv watching) and I saw a fairly heated sex scene, no nudity though. I got a bit excited but then I got uncomfortable. I got uncomfortable because I knew where the feeling was coming from. Then uncomfortable because I was watch two other people engage in something private, then uncomfortable because I have a value system and they were breaking it because they we being unfaithful (which was part of the story line).
Porn is bad. It has is no intringic value. And our devotion to it is damn near idol worship. When you watch porn you are watching an image but the image is not real. Just like an idol, which may have what looks like eyes, ears, and month but it can not see, hear or talk. These images can't touch us, speak to us, embrace us, yet we involve ourselves so deeply into them.
Just like when some prays to an idol, thinking they derive benefit from it but in truth they do not, we too think we are driving benefit from give over our brains and bodies over to these moving images but WE AREN'T. The truth is we're being enslaved by them!
Free yourself, be like Abraham, smash your idols, give up porn, masturbation, fantasy and orgasm forever!
This was day 17 of no PMFO. Just now I watched an HBO show (these shows are the last as I finally cut out off all tv watching) and I saw a fairly heated sex scene, no nudity though. I got a bit excited but then I got uncomfortable. I got uncomfortable because I knew where the feeling was coming from. Then uncomfortable because I was watch two other people engage in something private, then uncomfortable because I have a value system and they were breaking it because they we being unfaithful (which was part of the story line).
Porn is bad. It has is no intringic value. And our devotion to it is damn near idol worship. When you watch porn you are watching an image but the image is not real. Just like an idol, which may have what looks like eyes, ears, and month but it can not see, hear or talk. These images can't touch us, speak to us, embrace us, yet we involve ourselves so deeply into them.
Just like when some prays to an idol, thinking they derive benefit from it but in truth they do not, we too think we are driving benefit from give over our brains and bodies over to these moving images but WE AREN'T. The truth is we're being enslaved by them!
Free yourself, be like Abraham, smash your idols, give up porn, masturbation, fantasy and orgasm forever!
Focus
A few years back, I read most of the book Think and Get Rich. One aspect of the book that stood out, is that the author says that most successful men are married and they got married young. He basically said, these men we able to use the same energy that most men use to chase women and apply it to their business or what either other pursuit the were looking to achieve rather then trying to get laid. So when we look at women, one way to stop objectifying them, is to start seeing them as a potential wife rather than a "hook up" or a "lay".
Do you realize how much time and energy I, and all of us, waste or have wasted, on porn and other bullshit? During some self reflection today I thought about where most of my unhealthy sexual thoughts/ideas come from? Honestly, its pop culture/secular culture movies, tv, music, magazines etc. But mainstream culture is truly is completely harmful to the soul. Its based off of sheer animalistic desires without respect for another.
My behavior over the last decade or so, is not who I truly am at my core. At my core was/is to fall in love with a beautiful (in my eyes) women and dedicate my life and sex drive to her.
To point out how damaging porn is to men, can you think of an any animal that closes itself off to the world and sits alone masturbating 2 - 6 times day? We've become zombies to an IMPULSE!
We need to refocus our values and our energy to being more self-productive. To appreciate the little things and life and to not need the stimulation of constant orgasm.
We need to STOP Occupying our Computers and Stop Occupying our Brain with Porn and instead we need to start LIBERATING Ourselves to FOCUS ON REAL LIVING!
Do you realize how much time and energy I, and all of us, waste or have wasted, on porn and other bullshit? During some self reflection today I thought about where most of my unhealthy sexual thoughts/ideas come from? Honestly, its pop culture/secular culture movies, tv, music, magazines etc. But mainstream culture is truly is completely harmful to the soul. Its based off of sheer animalistic desires without respect for another.
My behavior over the last decade or so, is not who I truly am at my core. At my core was/is to fall in love with a beautiful (in my eyes) women and dedicate my life and sex drive to her.
To point out how damaging porn is to men, can you think of an any animal that closes itself off to the world and sits alone masturbating 2 - 6 times day? We've become zombies to an IMPULSE!
We need to refocus our values and our energy to being more self-productive. To appreciate the little things and life and to not need the stimulation of constant orgasm.
We need to STOP Occupying our Computers and Stop Occupying our Brain with Porn and instead we need to start LIBERATING Ourselves to FOCUS ON REAL LIVING!
Bunch of Thoughts - 11/10/2011
I wrote a bunch of things down at work to blog about but left the list at work, so I'll give it my best shot.
1. I have also noticed that my penis looks bigger since I've stop PMO (still working on the F). I not saying I've grown a third leg. It just looks healthier, fuller and longer, where as before it usually looked like a turtle's head.
2. I've notice that my posture has improved, especially when I am walking. I walk more upright. I feel stronger too.
3. Reading a lot of these relapse posts maybe wonder if we should start a hotline, like other addicts groups, so when one guy feels like he is going to lose it he can call someone up. What do you think?
4. I forgot what day I am on. I got confused because I have two lengths. One for how long I've gone with out orgasm and second how long since I've been abstinent (no pmfo). I believe I am 18 days with out orgasm and 15 without PMFO (of course there has been struggle but you get my point).
5. While on Facebook today, one of the friend suggestion they gave was of a woman I didn't know, but she was so sexy I couldn't help but taking a look. As I was going through her very sexy pictures, I started to get erect (at least the resemblance of one). Yes on one hand it was bad I was looking but on the other hand, I STARTED GETTING SEMI HARD JUST FROM SEXY PICTURES with NO nudity! That would have NEVER happened before the no pmfo. Which means I becoming more sensitive...YES! And I felt myself drawn to her which is different from the feeling I would get from porn viewing.
6. I try to avoid watching all tv, unfortunately I got caught up in an HBO show. So I caved an watched today and of course it opens with a woman having an orgasm during a sex sense. I actually became uncomfortable and shut off the volume and looked away. During each sex scene I skipped ahead. The show was also glamorizing and extra material affair. That bothered me. Truthfully, I never feel happy after watching tv. I don't own one, I watch through the internet. I think I'm done with tv, well at least entertainment, not football, at least not yet 
6A. You know what porn and hollywood never show? A man enjoying himself durning sex. Its always the woman why is orgasmic and having the time of their life. No wonder I spent so much time masturbating is the role of the woman. Seriously, when I get back to having sex, you better believe I'm going to do my earnest to enjoy myself!
7. There were a few other things I wanted to say...but I forgot them and need to do laundry.
All the best!
Edged This Morning - 11/10/2011
I edged this morning and I did it in the worst way, as I was laying face down in bed, rubbing myself against the bed, Gary put a link where they found this is the worst way to masturbate. My penis had "hardness" but it wasn't "erect". The fantasy was not based on a porn scene but a real woman I saw in the street yesterday. However, the fantasy was extremely aggressive. In the past, as with today, is that after I would do my first edge laying face down, I would turn over on my back and then masturbate with my hand. Today, I turned over on my back, reach for my dick but the moment I touch it...I stopped. I relaxed myself and got out of bed. At one point I was thankful to be out of bed but at the other point I was worried about the fact that I had to edge (and almost came) to do so...however, I've been doing this for years.
The problem is this. Since I have had P.I.E.D. (1997 or 98), my sleep has not been very good. Not only do I find myself waking up late but when I do wake up I'm barely up....I can't move, I can barely do anything. The way I am able to arouse myself is to sexually arouse myself, so I start thinking of sexual fantasies, which always leads to masturbation....thankful today it didn't lead it orgasm. Has anyone else have this problem? I'm assume that the best answer is just sleep late rather then fantasize and masturbate?
By the, has anyone else felt their dick convulse like it would if it was cumming, but you don't cum. Its happens when I edge.
PS: I wrote that this morning but I am only now posting it. I feel fairly bleak today.
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