A sense of perspective: I was being a little hard on myself the other day.
Fri, 2011-11-18 07:40 —
Just keep on going man, don't get frustrated by what you imagine she may be thinking because you may be totally wrong. Also, she wouldn't be with you if she didn't want to. Anybody can be anywhere they want at any time and if she's still with you, it's because she cares about you
I realised I was being very hard on myself the other day after a less than perfect sexual interaction. I'm surprised this level of insecurity surfaced. I obviously still have some work to do with getting to know and feel confident in myself. To summarise I was thinking that perhaps I wasn't the man for my girlfriend and that she deserved a man who doesn't have any sexual problems.
The comments I received on my last blog post gave me a much needed sense of perspective. Thanks to everyone. You guys are amazing! The other night was great, not perfect, but still great. A fun, chilled night with my lady, connecting and enjoying each other in the bedroom. Waking up in the middle of the night to have sex. Having time to play before going to work. I really was focusing on a small negative and overlooking a large series of positives.
I guess I looked at the reboot as a 100% guarantee solution. Just don't PMO and you will be back to normal. I realise it also takes work on yourself and time once you finish. Hell, when we first met my penis was almost dead. The last two times we've been together we've had sex. Once I 'enter' there is no issue staying hard. There has been so much improvement. Things are only going to get better.
Sexual interactions are a time of connecting, a time to be intimate and close. I want penetrative sex to feel this connection to her rather than the orgasm itself. What I need to learn is to quieten the thoughts in my mind. Am I getting hard? How hard am I now? Why am I not hard at the moment? Before I had this problem I didn't know about ED so these thoughts simply weren't on my mind. I was just relaxed and enjoying the moment. But now I have a bit of a backlog of negative sexual experiences. I guess it will just take time to fully get over this. Immersion is the key. Physically I'm fixed. Relaxation, breathing, adoring her gorgeous body and being.
I also imagined a scenario where things were reversed. If this particular girl had insecurities about her body or sex, or a low sex drive I wouldn't run. I care for her too much. I'd be there to help her and us get through any problem. Our relationship is more than casual sex. It's her, the person that I am into. Her sensuality, femininity, caring and nurturing nature, intelligence, sense of humour, quirks, peculiarities, and idiosyncrasies. Knowing this and the way she feels removes this doubt. It was a useful thought experiment.
I'm going to stop recording the day count as it doesn't seem relevant anymore. To all intents and purposes the reboot is complete. I'm never going to use porn again. I can say that with complete conviction. Watching an image of a naked girl on a computer screen? That feels like a previous life which doesn't interest me now. I've taken off my restriction on O with my partner and am even considering mixing in the occasional MO without fantasy.
As for the relationship I can see a real future between us. Unlike other relationships I've started I don't feel giddy with excitement or the reverse, feeling afraid or scared. It just feels comfortable and natural. Right. She asked me to move in with her, an offhand comment as I am looking for a new place in the city. We both laughed and said that would be an awful idea at this point but it's interesting she had that thought. I travel a lot, splitting my time between two countries, so this is something that I entertained as a possibility. Who knows. Day by day. No pressure. No defining. Just living in the moment and enjoying it for what it is.
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