Monday, October 31, 2011

Last Night (3)

Last night was rough.  I had zero sleep and struggled greatly.  A fantasy would enter my head, which I would dwell on briefly, then regain my composure, and then a short time later, a more powerful fantasy would arrise.  This would go on and on all night, with me tossing and turning.  At one point in the early morning I was fully engrossed in a powerful fantasy but thankful able to talk myself out of it.  The inner truth is I was doing something I didn't want to do.   Unfortunately I did masturbate somewhat but not to orgasm and not with my hand.  

I didn't fall asleep until about 7am.

Between fantasies I had time to reflect on things:

First, some of my problems stem from self-esteem.  Self-esteem defined as basing ones own self-worth  on how others people think, feel, behave or the things they own.  Self-esteem causes us to put up non-exisistant barriers to our own self-achievement.  How many times have held yourself back after comparing yourself to others or  feeling you needed to have/own something before you could do something else, i.e.: approach a woman?  The truth is, God has given us exactly what we need exactly when we need it.  *I know I brought up God, but lets not get stuck morality right now and stay on point.

This is not to say one shouldn't be motivated or stop trying to improve himself (because we all need to) but rather but rather we need to understand to be self assured simply because we do exsist.   Dr. Albert Ellis has a great lecture about this called - "How to be the perfect non-perfectionist.

Second, there is an assertive/aggressive side of me that I really have not let out most of my life.  Our entire society seems to be based on trying to unnaturally pacify men's natural inclinations.  Is there no greater proof of this than porn?  A man is a hunter but now all he has to do is sit in front of a computer a point and click to find his needs.  Or the TV sitcom Dad, who is always an ignoramus.   While I am pointing out a problem of our overall society, I'm not going to be one of the blame the world people.  As powerfully influencing societies institutions are, its up to the indivual to choose to listen to or not.  We need to base pour decisions and our life pursuits on our own self-interest.  As Dr. Albert Ellis says, the world is going to take care of its self....its time fore me to take care of me.

I done want to placating myself anymore for society's sake.

Last Night (2)

I wrote this before I shut the lights out....

"Put some music on to help distract me from the cravings (which was recommended by someone who has done the No PMFO diet from and sipped some chamomile tea to help me sleep.

Though I am listening to music I played during one of the few times I hooked up over the years. This is causing me to reflect on how my old mindset on my past sexual encounters have been.  I'm realizing that the hook up I had while listening to this music and all my other past sexual experience were "fun".

I've always felt that I missed out on something form my sexual encounters....that I could have gotten more  or felt bad because I should have fulfilled some porn fantasy but didn't.  All of this has prevented me from feeling good about these encounters.

The truth is, the fooling around its self was "good" in its own right; I really didn't miss out on anything.  It was what it was.  Until now I never appreciate that which I did get and am going to stop measuring my past against someone else's standards of how sex should be.  

Now I feel good, or at least better than I have, about my past sexual encounters.  Though one thing that was definitely missing, was a full healthy erection.  Heck, maybe if I didn't feel so rushed or so poorly influenced by porn I would have gotten more.

With this new healthier outlook on my past hook ups, I will not have a healthier attitude about my future sexual encounters...hopefully with my wife."

Last Night (1)

Day 5 (8) – Close to bedtime, My animal inclination randomly started screaming the name of the only woman I’ve ever loved.  Crawling out of my skin…the slightest touch to my body is sensitive.  Note:  Came on after a sitting for a long time in front of the computer

Where to Begin....

I am currently on day six of officially being on the No Porn, No Masturbation, No Fantasy and No orgasm diet.  However, technically its been about 9 days (however, last night was rough, as I did masturbate and did fantasize but without porn and orgasm).

Why am I doing this?  Because of 13 years of misery of having ED, starting when I was 19. After going to  every type of doctor, all who would tell me I was perfectly healthy, I had pretty much given up and was waiting for a miracle from God.  Finally, after a lot of payer, I found this website, and watched the following videos - .  It was the miracle I was questions answers...someone explaining what my problem is.

After reading testimonial after testimonial of men who went through exactly what I have gone through and am going through, I finally made up my mind that I'm going cold turkey.  Rather than doing this alone I figure it would be helpful to share it with....well everyone in the world...thank you Internet!