Last night was rough. I had zero sleep and struggled greatly. A fantasy would enter my head, which I would dwell on briefly, then regain my composure, and then a short time later, a more powerful fantasy would arrise. This would go on and on all night, with me tossing and turning. At one point in the early morning I was fully engrossed in a powerful fantasy but thankful able to talk myself out of it. The inner truth is I was doing something I didn't want to do. Unfortunately I did masturbate somewhat but not to orgasm and not with my hand.
I didn't fall asleep until about 7am.
Between fantasies I had time to reflect on things:
First, some of my problems stem from self-esteem. Self-esteem defined as basing ones own self-worth on how others people think, feel, behave or the things they own. Self-esteem causes us to put up non-exisistant barriers to our own self-achievement. How many times have held yourself back after comparing yourself to others or feeling you needed to have/own something before you could do something else, i.e.: approach a woman? The truth is, God has given us exactly what we need exactly when we need it. *I know I brought up God, but lets not get stuck morality right now and stay on point.
This is not to say one shouldn't be motivated or stop trying to improve himself (because we all need to) but rather but rather we need to understand to be self assured simply because we do exsist. Dr. Albert Ellis has a great lecture about this called - "How to be the perfect non-perfectionist.
Second, there is an assertive/aggressive side of me that I really have not let out most of my life. Our entire society seems to be based on trying to unnaturally pacify men's natural inclinations. Is there no greater proof of this than porn? A man is a hunter but now all he has to do is sit in front of a computer a point and click to find his needs. Or the TV sitcom Dad, who is always an ignoramus. While I am pointing out a problem of our overall society, I'm not going to be one of the blame the world people. As powerfully influencing societies institutions are, its up to the indivual to choose to listen to or not. We need to base pour decisions and our life pursuits on our own self-interest. As Dr. Albert Ellis says, the world is going to take care of its self....its time fore me to take care of me.
I done want to placating myself anymore for society's sake.