AMAZING!

I feel AMAZING right now.  Part of being abstinent is not just stopping porn viewing, masturbation, fantasy and orgasm...its about changing your life.  Its about getting away from being upfront of the computer and living life.  Being active.

This evening...I went ROCK CLIMBING!   There is an indoor rock climbing place by where I live.  I did the beginners class...I feel so good right now.  The amazing thing about rock climbing is that its not like going to the gym and lifting weight.  Its CHALLENGING both to your body and mind.  

I'm really proud of myself for going.  I was hesitating and had some anxiety but did it anyway.  I could just sit in my room anymore.  The energy I feel in my body right now is great.

For those of you reading this, its not about me "rock climbing".  Its about being active.  Getting yourself involved with something, being around others.   Give it a shot!

Are You Addicted to Porn

Check out this link to find out more - http://yourbrainonporn.com/are-you-hooked-on-porn-ask-asam

Morning = Bad

So I came home last night around 7:30pm.  I didn't get off the computer until midnight.  And I wasn't looking at porn.   So of course I couldn't sleep.  So around 3pm I got up tried to read a book, but it wasn't enough automatic stimulation for me so I jumped on the computer and got the stimuli I needed.  I eventually went to bed at 4:30pm.  So I woke up today and I'm on the computer.  Yes, I wanted to post this, but the first the I did was not go here but browse the internet first.

This morning was bad.  I woke around 11:30pm.  Of course, straight into fantasy.  One fantasy into another, progressively getting more aggressive and progressively going off into fantasy of abnormal behaviors.  I edged and was rubbing myself into my bed.  I twisted over a few times to stop.  I did reach for my penis and thankful I did stop at that point.  At least I've be really self aware about not wrapping my hand around my penis.

One of the major things I have to do is change the way I think about sex.  I don't NEED to fantasize about sex, I don't NEED to masturbate in anyway, etc.  And I  have t realize that these fantasies are just that and are in no way a reflex of real life.  I think part of me thinks that fantasying and masturbating is a "real" substitute for sex.  In addition, I don't NEED to have sex and any given time.

Here is a question...is edge better than orgasming or both worse?  Because I feel like, well at least I didn't O.

At least the porn is out of the picture but I shouldn't watch those HBO shows either.  None of it helps.

Morning is the DANGER ZONE!

I am in greatest danger of relapsing in the mornings when I wake up.  When I originally lost my morning wood, I tried to masturbating it back.  Meaning, in the mornings I would masturbate as a "reminder" - "Hey bro, time for you get UP!"  Obviously it didn't work.  Instead it made things worse and I got in to the practice of masturbating whenever I wake up...which is not a good thing to do.

Furthermore, I learned that if I was still exhausted when I woke up, sexual stimulation (fantasy) was a great way to get my system going and get me out of bed.  The problem is, I easily get wrapped up into it and eventually I would edged for hours before getting out of bed.

Two out of the last three mornings have been really close to relapsing which is why I am writing this down now.  A preparation for battle with the evil inclination :-)

When I did bio-feedback (I know do nuro-feedback which is helping a lot with the impulsiveness), it was recommend that I listen to "Baroque for Beauty Sleep" to get the brain in the right mood for sleep.  I am listening to it now as I type this on the computer, which, along with tv, is the worst thing to be involved with before sleep.

Though that does remind of a time in college that my roommate and I were so tired one early evening that we took a power nap yet we were blasting The Prodigy Fat of the Lamb....which is one of the most hardcore techno albums ever, which should be impossible to fall asleep to.  We had the lights off and I just remember the glow of the computer screen our other friend was using while we sleep.  Such a surreal thing only happens in college...however college was still a waste of time and money for me...but back to the point...

Sleep good, porn bad.  Sex good (sex with a wife better) masturbation bad.  Waking up motivated good, walking up with fantasy and edging SUPERBAD!  Orgasm after 20 days off holding back, BAD.  

Reuniting.info and YBOP - Good!  Continuing to write this blog post after making my point - bad.

Keeping my self "busy" by reading Yourbrainonporn.com

"NOTE: a former porn user will remain hyper-sensitive to any cues his brain associated with porn, for a very long time, and possibly indefinitely. This means that even a casual peek can activate your brain's old response and increase inner conflict. Stay away from porn. Resist the urge to test yourself by "just looking" to gauge how you're doing."  Quoted from the end of this article - http://yourbrainonporn.com/rewire-your-brain-using-ocd-neuroscience


This was day 17 of no PMFO.  Just now I watched an HBO show (these shows are the last as I finally cut out off all tv watching) and I saw a fairly heated sex scene, no nudity though.  I got a bit excited but then I got uncomfortable.  I got uncomfortable because I knew where the feeling was coming from.  Then uncomfortable because I was watch two other people engage in something private, then uncomfortable because I have a value system and they were breaking it because they we being unfaithful (which was part of the story line).

Porn is bad.   It has is no intringic value.   And our devotion to it is damn near idol worship.  When you watch porn you are watching an image but the image is not real.   Just like an idol, which may have what looks like eyes, ears, and month but it can not see, hear or talk.  These images can't touch us, speak to us, embrace us, yet we involve ourselves so deeply into them.

Just like when some prays to an idol, thinking they derive benefit from it but in truth they do not, we too think we are driving benefit from give over our brains and bodies over to these moving images but WE AREN'T.  The truth is we're being enslaved by them!

Free yourself, be like Abraham, smash your idols, give up porn, masturbation, fantasy and orgasm forever!

You Can Now Comment

Hi Everyone, I just switched the settings to allow for people to post comments.

Focus

A few years back, I read most of the book Think and Get Rich.  One aspect of the book that stood out, is that the author says that most successful men are married and they got married young.  He basically said, these men we able to use the same energy that most men use to chase women and apply it to their business or what either other pursuit the were looking to achieve rather then trying to get laid.   So when we look at women, one way to stop objectifying them, is to start seeing them as a potential wife rather than a "hook up" or a "lay".

Do you realize how much time and energy I, and all of us, waste or have wasted, on porn and other bullshit?   During some self reflection today I thought about where most of my unhealthy sexual thoughts/ideas come from?  Honestly, its  pop culture/secular culture movies, tv, music, magazines etc.  But mainstream culture is truly is completely harmful to the soul.  Its based off of sheer animalistic desires without respect for another.

My behavior over the last decade or so, is not who I truly am at my core.  At my core was/is to fall in love with a beautiful (in my eyes) women and dedicate my life and sex drive to her.

To point out how damaging porn is to men, can you think of an any animal that closes itself off to the world and sits alone masturbating 2 - 6 times day?   We've become zombies to an IMPULSE!

We need to refocus our values and our energy to being more self-productive.  To appreciate the little things and life and to not need the stimulation of constant orgasm.

We need to STOP Occupying our Computers and Stop Occupying our Brain with Porn and instead we need to start LIBERATING Ourselves to FOCUS ON REAL LIVING!

Bunch of Thoughts - 11/10/2011

I wrote a bunch of things down at work to blog about but left the list at work, so I'll give it my best shot.

1. I have also noticed that my penis looks bigger since I've stop PMO (still working on the F). I not saying I've grown a third leg. It just looks healthier, fuller and longer, where as before it usually looked like a turtle's head.

2. I've notice that my posture has improved, especially when I am walking. I walk more upright. I feel stronger too.

3. Reading a lot of these relapse posts maybe wonder if we should start a hotline, like other addicts groups, so when one guy feels like he is going to lose it he can call someone up. What do you think?

4. I forgot what day I am on. I got confused because I have two lengths. One for how long I've gone with out orgasm and second how long since I've been abstinent (no pmfo). I believe I am 18 days with out orgasm and 15 without PMFO (of course there has been struggle but you get my point).

5. While on Facebook today, one of the friend suggestion they gave was of a woman I didn't know, but she was so sexy I couldn't help but taking a look. As I was going through her very sexy pictures, I started to get erect (at least the resemblance of one). Yes on one hand it was bad I was looking but on the other hand, I STARTED GETTING SEMI HARD JUST FROM SEXY PICTURES with NO nudity! That would have NEVER happened before the no pmfo. Which means I becoming more sensitive...YES! And I felt myself drawn to her which is different from the feeling I would get from porn viewing.

6. I try to avoid watching all tv, unfortunately I got caught up in an HBO show. So I caved an watched today and of course it opens with a woman having an orgasm during a sex sense. I actually became uncomfortable and shut off the volume and looked away. During each sex scene I skipped ahead. The show was also glamorizing and extra material affair. That bothered me. Truthfully, I never feel happy after watching tv. I don't own one, I watch through the internet. I think I'm done with tv, well at least entertainment, not football, at least not yet 

6A. You know what porn and hollywood never show? A man enjoying himself durning sex. Its always the woman why is orgasmic and having the time of their life. No wonder I spent so much time masturbating is the role of the woman. Seriously, when I get back to having sex, you better believe I'm going to do my earnest to enjoy myself!

7. There were a few other things I wanted to say...but I forgot them and need to do laundry.

All the best!

Edged This Morning - 11/10/2011

I edged this morning and I did it in the worst way, as I was laying face down in bed, rubbing myself against the bed, Gary put a link where they found this is the worst way to masturbate. My penis had "hardness" but it wasn't "erect". The fantasy was not based on a porn scene but a real woman I saw in the street yesterday. However, the fantasy was extremely aggressive. In the past, as with today, is that after I would do my first edge laying face down, I would turn over on my back and then masturbate with my hand. Today, I turned over on my back, reach for my dick but the moment I touch it...I stopped. I relaxed myself and got out of bed. At one point I was thankful to be out of bed but at the other point I was worried about the fact that I had to edge (and almost came) to do so...however, I've been doing this for years.

The problem is this. Since I have had P.I.E.D. (1997 or 98), my sleep has not been very good. Not only do I find myself waking up late but when I do wake up I'm barely up....I can't move, I can barely do anything. The way I am able to arouse myself is to sexually arouse myself, so I start thinking of sexual fantasies, which always leads to masturbation....thankful today it didn't lead it orgasm. Has anyone else have this problem? I'm assume that the best answer is just sleep late rather then fantasize and masturbate?

By the, has anyone else felt their dick convulse like it would if it was cumming, but you don't cum. Its happens when I edge.

PS: I wrote that this morning but I am only now posting it. I feel fairly bleak today.

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Midweek Update - 11/9/2011

So Monday night through Tuesday was very hard. It was not stop fantasies. While reading member's blogs, I couldn't understand why people could slip up but due to these fantasies I realized it could happen to me. The truth is human beings are sexual beings, we need a sexual outlet, HOWEVER, not everyone is an ADDICT like us. We need to remain abstinent. The good is that for those 24+ hours were spent working on myself, by talking myself down and rationalizing myself out of the fantasies. Tuesday night through Wednesday has been a lot smoother. I actually feel much more attractive to real women as well as feeling ok when I'm not attracted to a women I "thought" I am suppose to be. I've also been "guarding my eyes" but looking away from women dressed overally stimulating (its not easy but my eyes 98% does turn away).

On Tuesday, I did watch an enlightening lecture from a Rabbi about relationships between men and women and our differences. Today, for the first time that I can remember, that I looked at women and allowed them to have their own sense of identiy without me trying to define them or to make them into a sex object. It was very freeing to do so, where before I always felt trapped by the....I don't enough know how to define it, maybe..."pressure" - does that make sense to anyone?

However I am thinking I am entering that "dead/nothing" phase - but not sure...maybe I'm just beginning to relax.

I've also been meaning to write someone on this blog about how my ED started, my mindset, and what I was doing/thinking while masturbating. I really did a number on myself. But its very personnel so gearing up for it.

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