Sunday, November 13, 2011

Morning = Bad

So I came home last night around 7:30pm.  I didn't get off the computer until midnight.  And I wasn't looking at porn.   So of course I couldn't sleep.  So around 3pm I got up tried to read a book, but it wasn't enough automatic stimulation for me so I jumped on the computer and got the stimuli I needed.  I eventually went to bed at 4:30pm.  So I woke up today and I'm on the computer.  Yes, I wanted to post this, but the first the I did was not go here but browse the internet first.

This morning was bad.  I woke around 11:30pm.  Of course, straight into fantasy.  One fantasy into another, progressively getting more aggressive and progressively going off into fantasy of abnormal behaviors.  I edged and was rubbing myself into my bed.  I twisted over a few times to stop.  I did reach for my penis and thankful I did stop at that point.  At least I've be really self aware about not wrapping my hand around my penis.

One of the major things I have to do is change the way I think about sex.  I don't NEED to fantasize about sex, I don't NEED to masturbate in anyway, etc.  And I  have t realize that these fantasies are just that and are in no way a reflex of real life.  I think part of me thinks that fantasying and masturbating is a "real" substitute for sex.  In addition, I don't NEED to have sex and any given time.

Here is a edge better than orgasming or both worse?  Because I feel like, well at least I didn't O.

At least the porn is out of the picture but I shouldn't watch those HBO shows either.  None of it helps.

1 comment: