So I came home last night around 7:30pm. I didn't get off the computer until midnight. And I wasn't looking at porn. So of course I couldn't sleep. So around 3pm I got up tried to read a book, but it wasn't enough automatic stimulation for me so I jumped on the computer and got the stimuli I needed. I eventually went to bed at 4:30pm. So I woke up today and I'm on the computer. Yes, I wanted to post this, but the first the I did was not go here but browse the internet first.
This morning was bad. I woke around 11:30pm. Of course, straight into fantasy. One fantasy into another, progressively getting more aggressive and progressively going off into fantasy of abnormal behaviors. I edged and was rubbing myself into my bed. I twisted over a few times to stop. I did reach for my penis and thankful I did stop at that point. At least I've be really self aware about not wrapping my hand around my penis.
One of the major things I have to do is change the way I think about sex. I don't NEED to fantasize about sex, I don't NEED to masturbate in anyway, etc. And I have t realize that these fantasies are just that and are in no way a reflex of real life. I think part of me thinks that fantasying and masturbating is a "real" substitute for sex. In addition, I don't NEED to have sex and any given time.
Here is a question...is edge better than orgasming or both worse? Because I feel like, well at least I didn't O.
At least the porn is out of the picture but I shouldn't watch those HBO shows either. None of it helps.