I was so tired last night and was like 90% ready to sleep but couldn't get the next 10%. I woke up and got some chamomile tea...I realized I must of went to sleep the moment I hit the bed because I knock over the chamomile tea this morning. LOL. I noticed that when I woke up around 5am to turn o the fan that I had a nocturnal erection, OH YEA, 3 days in a row; I remained calm about it, just taking one day at a time.
However, I just can't go to bed on time and wake up on time. I hit the buzzer from 5:30am to about 8:45am. One of the learned ways to wake myself up is to think about sex, so today I thought about aggressive sex and did rub myself in my bed. I had hardness to my penis but not a full erection. I finally got out of bed when I notice I was start to get the hint I could cum. The horniness stayed with me in the shower were I noticed I started to stroke myself and I stopped.
Argh. One of the problems is I'm on the computer at before I go to bed. Usually to give a end of the day blog. But the computer scrambles the brain making it harder to sleep. Bit I know if I write my blog down for the morning I'll most likely never post it.
Hmmmmmmm...I have to rethink my priorities. Blog posting or have a good sleep :-)
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Trip down memory lane
Went rock climbing. Great way to clear your head. I had a much easier time appreciating the women their without the "porn interference" (as with my last post, having cleared up the fact I don't want to "porn fuck" but rather want a companion. Appreciating now is much easier now.
However, I noticed a few things. I've always been shy around women, more often than not. Like I don't want a woman know I'm looking at her, so I tend to look away when she looks back. This happened today. A bit of back and forth and later as she walked by when I was preparing to leave, she gave me ample excuse to look back but I didn't, even though I knew she was looking for it. Why couldn't I just give her the satisfaction of know I'm checking her out?
I was trying to figure out why this is. At first I was thinking it was "shame". The part of me was looking at them like porn and if anyone saw me looking at pored I'd be ashamed/look away. So because I'm so used to looking at them in the scoop of porn, I got used to looking away. Make sense? But then I realized it goes deeper than that because I was always like that. Even when I was really young for some reason I thought it was really bad for a girl to know that I like her. I remember when I was in elementary school my mom was taking me to the house of my crush and I begged her to cover my mouth with her hand when we spoke to them because I knew I wouldn't be able to keep myself from smiling around her...and I thought it would be a bad if the girl saw me smiling. I don't know where I learned that from.
I do remember one horrifying time where my worst nightmare came true. It was my 7th grade trip to Washington DC. For some reason I got placed in the group with all the popular girls. It was nerve racking and a dream come true. I finally got to speak with them and flirt with them. There was one in particular. We got along so well, it was amazing. And we were flirting we each other and inseparable. It was so obvious they everyone knew. Some guys came over and made fun that I was flirting with her so much. I had to keep face that I denied it. Eventually a girl friend of mine came over to talk and asked me if I liked her, and I didn't want to admit it, but finally I did. I didn't realize that the most popular girl was right behind us and the very moment I said yes, she came out of no where and look at me in shock, "WHAT?! OH MY G-D! No way, I have to tell her"; her voice and face was as to say - "are you out of your mind. What a joke." She and the other popular girls ran over to the girl I was flirting with and started laughing as hard as they could and making fun of me liking her. The girl I was flirting...she just made a look of like - "Uuukkk! Disgusting." These days I don't blame her, what could she have done...talk about your peer pressure.
I yelled at my friend who got me to say I like her (but she genuinely didn't know the other girl was listening and was going to do what she did but I didn't believe her at the time). I was so humiliated, I wanted to cry, a voice inside even told me, better to cry than do what you are about to do...which was, refusal to let them see me cry, I hardened my soul and I vowed never to let or show a girl I liked her again. It was a pretty lonely trip after that.
Interesting yet, when ever women would flirt with me after that, I never believe it, I always thought was were just messing with me...I often took signs of no interest as interest because well, at least they weren't playing with my head by flirting with me. There were so many times I didn't make moves because well, "they aren't interested in me, they're flirting with me." Don't get me wrong, there were times I flirted, and had a girlfriend here or there but...you get the point.
It sad that we allow these things that happen when we are young to affect us like they do. Porn was a lot easier then a girl "pretending" to like you. You don't have that emotional vulnerability that comes with having a real relationship. Porn is the worst because the "hot girl" is still be fucked by some other guy and you still at home jerking off, watching it - even sadder.
Anyway, I have a date tomorrow night. It was arranged through someone else. I haven't met her yet. We shall see...
However, I noticed a few things. I've always been shy around women, more often than not. Like I don't want a woman know I'm looking at her, so I tend to look away when she looks back. This happened today. A bit of back and forth and later as she walked by when I was preparing to leave, she gave me ample excuse to look back but I didn't, even though I knew she was looking for it. Why couldn't I just give her the satisfaction of know I'm checking her out?
I was trying to figure out why this is. At first I was thinking it was "shame". The part of me was looking at them like porn and if anyone saw me looking at pored I'd be ashamed/look away. So because I'm so used to looking at them in the scoop of porn, I got used to looking away. Make sense? But then I realized it goes deeper than that because I was always like that. Even when I was really young for some reason I thought it was really bad for a girl to know that I like her. I remember when I was in elementary school my mom was taking me to the house of my crush and I begged her to cover my mouth with her hand when we spoke to them because I knew I wouldn't be able to keep myself from smiling around her...and I thought it would be a bad if the girl saw me smiling. I don't know where I learned that from.
I do remember one horrifying time where my worst nightmare came true. It was my 7th grade trip to Washington DC. For some reason I got placed in the group with all the popular girls. It was nerve racking and a dream come true. I finally got to speak with them and flirt with them. There was one in particular. We got along so well, it was amazing. And we were flirting we each other and inseparable. It was so obvious they everyone knew. Some guys came over and made fun that I was flirting with her so much. I had to keep face that I denied it. Eventually a girl friend of mine came over to talk and asked me if I liked her, and I didn't want to admit it, but finally I did. I didn't realize that the most popular girl was right behind us and the very moment I said yes, she came out of no where and look at me in shock, "WHAT?! OH MY G-D! No way, I have to tell her"; her voice and face was as to say - "are you out of your mind. What a joke." She and the other popular girls ran over to the girl I was flirting with and started laughing as hard as they could and making fun of me liking her. The girl I was flirting...she just made a look of like - "Uuukkk! Disgusting." These days I don't blame her, what could she have done...talk about your peer pressure.
I yelled at my friend who got me to say I like her (but she genuinely didn't know the other girl was listening and was going to do what she did but I didn't believe her at the time). I was so humiliated, I wanted to cry, a voice inside even told me, better to cry than do what you are about to do...which was, refusal to let them see me cry, I hardened my soul and I vowed never to let or show a girl I liked her again. It was a pretty lonely trip after that.
Interesting yet, when ever women would flirt with me after that, I never believe it, I always thought was were just messing with me...I often took signs of no interest as interest because well, at least they weren't playing with my head by flirting with me. There were so many times I didn't make moves because well, "they aren't interested in me, they're flirting with me." Don't get me wrong, there were times I flirted, and had a girlfriend here or there but...you get the point.
It sad that we allow these things that happen when we are young to affect us like they do. Porn was a lot easier then a girl "pretending" to like you. You don't have that emotional vulnerability that comes with having a real relationship. Porn is the worst because the "hot girl" is still be fucked by some other guy and you still at home jerking off, watching it - even sadder.
Anyway, I have a date tomorrow night. It was arranged through someone else. I haven't met her yet. We shall see...
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Porn masks our loneliness and makes us forget to make her our companion!
Today I was beating my self up by being so attracted by the women I was seeing every where. I thought I was doing something wrong but then I realized that I wasn't...it was very very healthy! I'm being to appreciate the beauty of all types of woman. I got confused because my mind is so warped that I've made women synonymous with porn. But looking at and being attracted to REAL women is NOT PORN...its NORMAL AND HEALTHY.
My ED and porn problem came to head my freshmen year of college. Its interesting because the women I find most attractive are the woman who are around that age. I guess my mind is "starting over" from that point. Or is it just natural for men to be more attracted to younger women?
There was one woman in the subway I was blown away by, very tempted to speak to her but I still had it in my head at that point of looking at them is like porn. I noticed about it hours later while walking home and fantasying about sleeping her that I was uncomfortable about the fantasy. And I realized that I wanted her not just to "porn fuck" her...I wanted her COMPANIONSHIP. All of a sudden a weight was lifted off my shoulders and I changed the fantasy to be companionship focus and the approach to sex with her in the fantasy completely changed and guess what...started to get an erection (not a full one but it was getting erected.) where as before it felt more like an obsession, where I wasn't getting an erection.
Afterwards, I realized that I'm really lonely. That my attraction to this women is more than sex. Sex is one aspect of it but its about companionship! PORN (the evil) prevents us from seeing this. In an evil manner it prevents us for seeing the total picture of a woman. That their is more to woman than just sex! No wonder why I've held myself back from relationships all these years...I WANTED MORE THAN JUST SEX BUT THATS ALL I COULD SEE WOMAN FOR! ARRRRGHHHH DAMN YOU PORN!!!! I blamed the ED but its wasn't the ED, it was wanting something more, I'm not going to say "love" but maybe a "real connection" with someone besides myself. We can't get a real connection with someone from porn. Maybe thats why are brain needs more and more...because it thinks the more intense it is the closer the chance we'll make a real connection.
By the way, today is day 40.
My ED and porn problem came to head my freshmen year of college. Its interesting because the women I find most attractive are the woman who are around that age. I guess my mind is "starting over" from that point. Or is it just natural for men to be more attracted to younger women?
There was one woman in the subway I was blown away by, very tempted to speak to her but I still had it in my head at that point of looking at them is like porn. I noticed about it hours later while walking home and fantasying about sleeping her that I was uncomfortable about the fantasy. And I realized that I wanted her not just to "porn fuck" her...I wanted her COMPANIONSHIP. All of a sudden a weight was lifted off my shoulders and I changed the fantasy to be companionship focus and the approach to sex with her in the fantasy completely changed and guess what...started to get an erection (not a full one but it was getting erected.) where as before it felt more like an obsession, where I wasn't getting an erection.
Afterwards, I realized that I'm really lonely. That my attraction to this women is more than sex. Sex is one aspect of it but its about companionship! PORN (the evil) prevents us from seeing this. In an evil manner it prevents us for seeing the total picture of a woman. That their is more to woman than just sex! No wonder why I've held myself back from relationships all these years...I WANTED MORE THAN JUST SEX BUT THATS ALL I COULD SEE WOMAN FOR! ARRRRGHHHH DAMN YOU PORN!!!! I blamed the ED but its wasn't the ED, it was wanting something more, I'm not going to say "love" but maybe a "real connection" with someone besides myself. We can't get a real connection with someone from porn. Maybe thats why are brain needs more and more...because it thinks the more intense it is the closer the chance we'll make a real connection.
By the way, today is day 40.
Today was day 40...
...wow...I can't believe I've gone this far...but it also seems to have gone so quick too. I plan on going "all the way" :-) Until I'm completely rebooted.
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Positive Day - Day 38
Today is, 38 of no pmf (trying to stop the F) and 41 of no O. The day started with me waking up to the early morning buzzer and noticing that there was hardness to my penis. It wasn't a full erection, as it wasn't particularly elongated or engorged but noticeably hard. I reached down, the "inner part" was more hard, where the "outer part" was more soft. An encouraging sign I would say 
I did about 2 hours of morning prayers
Went rock climbing. I noticed that last two times that the women aren't responding to me as the used to. They aren't smiling and they looks I do get I feel they are like "eww". I took it with stride, I had climbing to do. Technically, I'm "bouldering" and not rock climbing. Rock climbing is the high wall and the rope & harness and bouldering is the shorter wall without rope or harness. I conquered three routes today, which is amazing because usually it takes me most of a session to figure out one and the I finish up by starting a new one. I think I was so successful today because I really took the time to analysis that path before I climbed it. I was so excited when I accomplished them that I had t hold back my excitement. I looked around looking to celebrate with someone and there wasn't anyone...that was kind of a lonely feeling but I didn't dwell on it, I concentrated on the fact that I JUST SUCCESSFULLY CLIMBED THAT ROUTE!
I did see friends there and they were rock climbing and invited me trying. So I harnessed up. It was interested. Its not as hard to climb but the HIEGHT is a nerve racking. I had to come down. In front of women to. I didn't care, I wasn't comfortable. Interesting enough, I found it as a challenge. A fewer I have to over come. Now I know I have it, now I have to over come it. It should be interesting task going forward because I was "NERVOUS!"
Last night while was falling a sleep I found my self seriously understanding that what other people think of me doesn't matter. I really have to be self interested. Its a good feeling. Its not selfish as much as it being very comfortably self aware. Maybe even more a quite self confidence instead of self esteem.
This was useful because I found myself challenging my irrational beliefs through out the day and using my breathing exercises that I've learned from nurofeedback training.
I've also been thinking about human sexuality and had some porn flashbacks but rather then getting upset about it, it gave it unconditional acceptance. That we all have sexuality and some of us choice to engage in it in different ways. It weird, I've always resented people sexuality (a weird effect of porn) but today I accepted that we are sexual beings. Less judgmental of the porn stars that behave in what I have but at the same time disassociated my self with it.
I need my own sex, rather than watching others people's sex.
Good night all.
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Last night and toady
Yesterday night I did have some alcohol to drink. I couldn't sleep. Constant fantasies, almost cum from fantasying and I was't masturbating or rubbing myself (has to be from the increase dopamine entering my brain from fantasying. The addiction wants its fix big time).
This morning I stayed in bed late fantasying and rubbing myself against the bed. Later on in the day I walked by such a beautiful woman, I became overwhelmed. It was like my entire being was consumed with her, luckily she was across the street. I had to literally had say to myself to "focus" so I could continue walking and talk to my friend. This was actually very uncomfortable feeling, to be consumed by the appearance of a woman, almost the way it worked with porno. Last night the head of the house hold of where I eat told the guys (in front of the women to, now this is a man), "be lead by your principles first and then have a women in your life, rather than have your life be lead in the pursuit of women and have no principles." That real resonated with me a big time and I thanked him for saying that before I left.
Today at a lunch gathering, there was a very attractive, inappropriately dressed, married woman there. This made me uncomfortable because I am feeling more aggressing toward women of late and I didn't want to act out as she was married, and with her husband and kids (not that if would matter if they weren't there). I was struggling not to look at her and she notice I was. Eventually she started to look back at me... welcomingly...but this was to much for me. I broke our eye contact by rolling my eyes, looking back at her and look away, as if to say - "YOUR MARRIED!" I was fairly successful not look at her the rest of the evening and I didn't notice her looking my way when I did have to look over at that side of the table, so I think she got my point. I have principles, adultery is a big no no, I don't care how hot the woman is.
About half hour ago while walking home I saw two women walking on the other side of the street, they so attractive and so sexy and I unabashedly looked over at them. One looked up briefly but kept walking. I got angry and resentful. So many confused thoughts. I have such a strong desire for them but I don't like that they have such an power to consume me like that. I resented that they were not as equally consumed with me. I'm angry that even if they were, at my current stage of trying to reboot my brain and regain health erections, I most likely couldn't do anything about it!
:-( Hope everyone else is doing a bit better.
This morning I stayed in bed late fantasying and rubbing myself against the bed. Later on in the day I walked by such a beautiful woman, I became overwhelmed. It was like my entire being was consumed with her, luckily she was across the street. I had to literally had say to myself to "focus" so I could continue walking and talk to my friend. This was actually very uncomfortable feeling, to be consumed by the appearance of a woman, almost the way it worked with porno. Last night the head of the house hold of where I eat told the guys (in front of the women to, now this is a man), "be lead by your principles first and then have a women in your life, rather than have your life be lead in the pursuit of women and have no principles." That real resonated with me a big time and I thanked him for saying that before I left.
Today at a lunch gathering, there was a very attractive, inappropriately dressed, married woman there. This made me uncomfortable because I am feeling more aggressing toward women of late and I didn't want to act out as she was married, and with her husband and kids (not that if would matter if they weren't there). I was struggling not to look at her and she notice I was. Eventually she started to look back at me... welcomingly...but this was to much for me. I broke our eye contact by rolling my eyes, looking back at her and look away, as if to say - "YOUR MARRIED!" I was fairly successful not look at her the rest of the evening and I didn't notice her looking my way when I did have to look over at that side of the table, so I think she got my point. I have principles, adultery is a big no no, I don't care how hot the woman is.
About half hour ago while walking home I saw two women walking on the other side of the street, they so attractive and so sexy and I unabashedly looked over at them. One looked up briefly but kept walking. I got angry and resentful. So many confused thoughts. I have such a strong desire for them but I don't like that they have such an power to consume me like that. I resented that they were not as equally consumed with me. I'm angry that even if they were, at my current stage of trying to reboot my brain and regain health erections, I most likely couldn't do anything about it!
:-( Hope everyone else is doing a bit better.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Frustrated
Yesterday playing soccer I had a freak accident and hurt my arm. So today when I was climbing I had to stop short. The soreness was too much. I actually felt like crying when I was changing to go home because I felt like I was giving up.
What was even more frustrating were the women. They so beautiful. Two of could literally see how I could physically have sex with them (unlike durning porn days...I could see a sexy woman but never ME having sex with them). I actually had to calm myself down. The pmfo part of me says - they aren't my women to have. But why not? Why shouldn't they be? Why shouldn't I have women in my life that I can have enjoyable sex with?
I don't know why, when I got into the gym I was thinking to my self - "Not going to think about flirting, I'm just going to climb and ignore the women." Of course as I am thinking this a woman was walking toward me and doing some smiling at me but I was so busy on my high horse I didn't notice until to late. LIke a delayed reaction. I saw what she was doing, while I was saying that BS to my self. So after that I felt completely off at the gym. Then I felt for some reason that those women I mentioned before were think I'm a creep or something (everyone climbs in close quarters, so it hard to avoid each other). Maybe its because I didn't say something. This whole week in my office I've been trying to make sure I say hello to everyone I see and then I completely shut off in the rock gym? Argh...I just remember I did something similar to someone in my office today. I'm going to try smile and say hi to everyone I see, darn the consequences.
I soooo want to be with one or both of the women I was really attracted to today (plus the one who tried to flirt with me but I was to busy being a fool). I don't deserve to be alone! But I also want to go through a full reboot. Maybe instead of sulking like a pmfo user does, I should turn it into motivation. Not going to be an invert. I'm going to get better and I'm going to have sex with a beautiful woman/women :-) And I'm not going to push my arm...I'm going to let it heel. Its about the long haul here - just like with giving up pmfo. Giving up the quick and easy porn for a better a longer enjoy life of sex with another person! :-)
What was even more frustrating were the women. They so beautiful. Two of could literally see how I could physically have sex with them (unlike durning porn days...I could see a sexy woman but never ME having sex with them). I actually had to calm myself down. The pmfo part of me says - they aren't my women to have. But why not? Why shouldn't they be? Why shouldn't I have women in my life that I can have enjoyable sex with?
I don't know why, when I got into the gym I was thinking to my self - "Not going to think about flirting, I'm just going to climb and ignore the women." Of course as I am thinking this a woman was walking toward me and doing some smiling at me but I was so busy on my high horse I didn't notice until to late. LIke a delayed reaction. I saw what she was doing, while I was saying that BS to my self. So after that I felt completely off at the gym. Then I felt for some reason that those women I mentioned before were think I'm a creep or something (everyone climbs in close quarters, so it hard to avoid each other). Maybe its because I didn't say something. This whole week in my office I've been trying to make sure I say hello to everyone I see and then I completely shut off in the rock gym? Argh...I just remember I did something similar to someone in my office today. I'm going to try smile and say hi to everyone I see, darn the consequences.
I soooo want to be with one or both of the women I was really attracted to today (plus the one who tried to flirt with me but I was to busy being a fool). I don't deserve to be alone! But I also want to go through a full reboot. Maybe instead of sulking like a pmfo user does, I should turn it into motivation. Not going to be an invert. I'm going to get better and I'm going to have sex with a beautiful woman/women :-) And I'm not going to push my arm...I'm going to let it heel. Its about the long haul here - just like with giving up pmfo. Giving up the quick and easy porn for a better a longer enjoy life of sex with another person! :-)
Encouraging Comment
Here is another encouraging comment from someone who is refraining from PMFO -
Day 57 - Sensitivity has returned!
Thu, 2011-12-01 11:42 — newstart
What a journey this has been.
Since I decided to give up PMO earlier this year I have made it to 6 days twice, 12 days once, 28 days once and now I am on day 57 of being PMO free.
I can say that it has been totally worth the uncomfortableness to get to this point. I have gained most if not all sensitivity back in the head of my penis. It was like a switch came back on in my nerve endings after being turned off from all my years of PMO abuse. I first noticed the change on day 52 when I was messing around with my girlfriend and felt as if I could have ejaculated if we would have kept at it (it was neither the time nor the place to find out). I have never been able to have anything but half hard sex with her the reason being I could hardly feel anything when inside of her probably from all my years of using the death grip on myself.
I am now able to achieve a full erection to almost orgasm without porn or porn fantasy before stopping using just a light grip with my hand. What is even better is I am able to stay hard and control myself without ejaculating. I haven't experienced this since I was a teenager (I am 47 now). This is something I was never able to do before this reboot and as a matter of fact could never even get myself off without porn. Even when I did I was only half hard. I can now see how PMO can really mess up your brain especially when you do it for years and years.
I just want to encourage everyone else out there who is struggling with this addiction to not give up. It is so completely worth it to stay the course. I feel like a new person! 
Excellent Comment
This is from the Member's Blogs section of Reuniting.info
"Puppy Love" Vs PMO
Thu, 2011-12-01 01:35 — NonAttatchment
I was thinking back to my younger years when I would get "puppy love" and I really do miss those feelings. It seems when you start to PMO it just destroys ever having those feelings again because when you see someone you like, you just think about them lustfully. I think some of the elements of puppy love stick around but for the most part if your into PMO and have been for a while the lust part of your desire for that person will be in full effect as well. Its funny I think even as late as my early 20s (im in my early 30s now) I would still have puppy love. I know in high school I remember having it (most of us do I think) Its funny I remember not being able to get my crush out of my mind but at the same time I dont recall having lustful fantasies. They were more innocent in nature, the fantasies would involve just holding hands with her or taking a walk at sunset, looking into her eyes, etc. Its almost as if PMO is puppy love's evil twin because they keep the subject of your desire in your mind to where its all you think about yet with PMO its an addiction that involves pleasure hits to the brain. PMO is like Bizarro Superman. Its like would you rather date someone who looks amazing and is physically attractive in every way but has nothing in common with you whatsoever or someone who is average or maybe below average in looks but you can carry a conversation with them for hours on end? PMO will make you date the nothing in common attractive person. I guess the friends you keep also play a big part in that being important too, as with what society thinks. It keeps everyone so superficial. I guess unplugging from the matrix (rebooting) is the one true key.
Hurting...
....but in a good way :-) I played indoor soccer for hour and 40 minutes last night. I haven't played that rigorously in 3 years. Wow am I sore but its a good sore.
Its funny, the first time I started to break out of my shell, which was 4 or 5 years ago, I also took up soccer. That first attempt was a disaster but my REBT therapist at the time help me keep it in prospective. This time I met up with old friends. Really good guys. Very understanding I hadn't played in a while. It was a nice time. I hope to play next week to but I didn't do so great so we'll see.
Notice improvement in regards to the erection area. Last night in a semiconscious sleep state I had to get up and pee and I notice that the first time in a long time I had hardness in my penis when I had to go pee. It was quite hard in comparison to how it is normally but it wasn't a full engorged erection but it was a noticeable difference and a something to be encouraged about. I did touch it to see and it did feel harder but shortly after I touched it it went down.
Today is 36 (and 39 of no O).
Think good and it will be good.
Its funny, the first time I started to break out of my shell, which was 4 or 5 years ago, I also took up soccer. That first attempt was a disaster but my REBT therapist at the time help me keep it in prospective. This time I met up with old friends. Really good guys. Very understanding I hadn't played in a while. It was a nice time. I hope to play next week to but I didn't do so great so we'll see.
Notice improvement in regards to the erection area. Last night in a semiconscious sleep state I had to get up and pee and I notice that the first time in a long time I had hardness in my penis when I had to go pee. It was quite hard in comparison to how it is normally but it wasn't a full engorged erection but it was a noticeable difference and a something to be encouraged about. I did touch it to see and it did feel harder but shortly after I touched it it went down.
Today is 36 (and 39 of no O).
Think good and it will be good.
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