Frustrated

Yesterday playing soccer I had a freak accident and hurt my arm.  So today when I was climbing I had to stop short.  The soreness was too much.  I actually felt like crying when I was changing to go home because I felt like I was giving up.

What was even more frustrating were the women.  They so beautiful.  Two of could literally see how I could physically have sex with them (unlike durning porn days...I could see a sexy woman but never ME having sex with them).  I actually had to calm myself down.  The pmfo part of me says - they aren't my women to have.  But why not?  Why shouldn't they be?  Why shouldn't I have women in my life that I can have enjoyable sex with?

I don't know why, when I got into the gym I was thinking to my self - "Not going to think about flirting, I'm just going to climb and ignore the women."  Of course as I am thinking this a woman was walking toward me and doing some smiling at me but I was so busy on my high horse I didn't notice until to late.  LIke a delayed reaction.  I saw what she was doing, while I was saying that BS to my self.  So after that I felt completely off at the gym.   Then I felt for some reason that those women I mentioned before were think I'm a creep or something (everyone climbs in close quarters, so it hard to avoid each other).  Maybe its because I didn't say something.  This whole week in my office I've been trying to make sure I say hello to everyone I see and then I completely shut off in the rock gym?  Argh...I just remember I did something similar to someone in my office today.  I'm going to try smile and say hi to everyone I see, darn the consequences.

I soooo want to be with one or both of the women I was really attracted to today (plus the one who tried to flirt with me but I was to busy being a fool).  I don't deserve to be alone! But I also want to go through a full reboot.  Maybe instead of sulking like a pmfo user does, I should turn it into motivation.  Not going to be an invert.  I'm going to get better and I'm going to have sex with a beautiful woman/women :-)  And I'm not going to push my arm...I'm going to let it heel.  Its about the long haul here - just like with giving up pmfo.  Giving up the quick and easy porn for a better a longer enjoy life of sex with another person! :-)