Yesterday playing soccer I had a freak accident and hurt my arm. So today when I was climbing I had to stop short. The soreness was too much. I actually felt like crying when I was changing to go home because I felt like I was giving up.
What was even more frustrating were the women. They so beautiful. Two of could literally see how I could physically have sex with them (unlike durning porn days...I could see a sexy woman but never ME having sex with them). I actually had to calm myself down. The pmfo part of me says - they aren't my women to have. But why not? Why shouldn't they be? Why shouldn't I have women in my life that I can have enjoyable sex with?
I don't know why, when I got into the gym I was thinking to my self - "Not going to think about flirting, I'm just going to climb and ignore the women." Of course as I am thinking this a woman was walking toward me and doing some smiling at me but I was so busy on my high horse I didn't notice until to late. LIke a delayed reaction. I saw what she was doing, while I was saying that BS to my self. So after that I felt completely off at the gym. Then I felt for some reason that those women I mentioned before were think I'm a creep or something (everyone climbs in close quarters, so it hard to avoid each other). Maybe its because I didn't say something. This whole week in my office I've been trying to make sure I say hello to everyone I see and then I completely shut off in the rock gym? Argh...I just remember I did something similar to someone in my office today. I'm going to try smile and say hi to everyone I see, darn the consequences.
I soooo want to be with one or both of the women I was really attracted to today (plus the one who tried to flirt with me but I was to busy being a fool). I don't deserve to be alone! But I also want to go through a full reboot. Maybe instead of sulking like a pmfo user does, I should turn it into motivation. Not going to be an invert. I'm going to get better and I'm going to have sex with a beautiful woman/women :-) And I'm not going to push my arm...I'm going to let it heel. Its about the long haul here - just like with giving up pmfo. Giving up the quick and easy porn for a better a longer enjoy life of sex with another person! :-)