Saturday, December 3, 2011

Last night and toady

Yesterday night I did have some alcohol to drink.  I couldn't sleep.  Constant fantasies, almost cum from fantasying and I was't masturbating or rubbing myself (has to be from the increase dopamine entering my brain from fantasying.  The addiction wants its fix big time).

This morning I stayed in bed late fantasying and rubbing myself against the bed. Later on in the day I walked by such a beautiful woman, I became overwhelmed.  It was like my entire being was consumed with her, luckily she was across the street.  I had to literally had say to myself to "focus" so I could continue walking and talk to my friend.  This was actually very uncomfortable feeling, to be consumed by the appearance of a woman, almost the way it worked with porno.  Last night the head of the house hold of where I eat told the guys (in front of the women to, now this is a man), "be lead by your principles first and then have a women in your life, rather than have your life be lead in the pursuit of women and have no principles."  That real resonated with me a big time and I thanked him for saying that before I left.

Today at a lunch gathering, there was a very attractive, inappropriately dressed, married woman there.  This made me uncomfortable because I am feeling more aggressing toward women of late and I didn't want to act out as she was married, and with her husband and kids (not that if would matter if they weren't there).  I was struggling not to look at her and she notice I was.  Eventually she started to look back at me... welcomingly...but this was to much for me.  I broke our eye contact by rolling my eyes, looking back at her and look away, as if to say - "YOUR MARRIED!"  I was fairly successful not look at her the rest of the evening and I didn't notice her looking my way when I did have to look over at that side of the table, so I think she got my point.   I have principles, adultery is a big no no, I don't care how hot the woman is.

About half hour ago while walking home I saw two women walking on the other side of the street, they so attractive and so sexy and I unabashedly looked over at them.  One looked up briefly but kept walking.  I got angry and resentful.  So many confused thoughts.  I have such a strong desire for them but I don't like that they have such an power to consume me like that.  I resented that they were not as equally consumed with me.  I'm angry that even if they were, at my current stage of trying to reboot my brain and regain health erections, I most likely couldn't do anything about it!

:-(  Hope everyone else is doing a bit better.

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