Sunday, December 4, 2011

Positive Day - Day 38

Today is, 38 of no pmf (trying to stop the F) and 41 of no O. The day started with me waking up to the early morning buzzer and noticing that there was hardness to my penis. It wasn't a full erection, as it wasn't particularly elongated or engorged but noticeably hard. I reached down, the "inner part" was more hard, where the "outer part" was more soft. An encouraging sign I would say Smiling
I did about 2 hours of morning prayers Smiling
Went rock climbing. I noticed that last two times that the women aren't responding to me as the used to. They aren't smiling and they looks I do get I feel they are like "eww". I took it with stride, I had climbing to do. Technically, I'm "bouldering" and not rock climbing. Rock climbing is the high wall and the rope & harness and bouldering is the shorter wall without rope or harness. I conquered three routes today, which is amazing because usually it takes me most of a session to figure out one and the I finish up by starting a new one. I think I was so successful today because I really took the time to analysis that path before I climbed it. I was so excited when I accomplished them that I had t hold back my excitement. I looked around looking to celebrate with someone and there wasn't anyone...that was kind of a lonely feeling but I didn't dwell on it, I concentrated on the fact that I JUST SUCCESSFULLY CLIMBED THAT ROUTE!
I did see friends there and they were rock climbing and invited me trying. So I harnessed up. It was interested. Its not as hard to climb but the HIEGHT is a nerve racking. I had to come down. In front of women to. I didn't care, I wasn't comfortable. Interesting enough, I found it as a challenge. A fewer I have to over come. Now I know I have it, now I have to over come it. It should be interesting task going forward because I was "NERVOUS!"
Last night while was falling a sleep I found my self seriously understanding that what other people think of me doesn't matter. I really have to be self interested. Its a good feeling. Its not selfish as much as it being very comfortably self aware. Maybe even more a quite self confidence instead of self esteem.
This was useful because I found myself challenging my irrational beliefs through out the day and using my breathing exercises that I've learned from nurofeedback training.
I've also been thinking about human sexuality and had some porn flashbacks but rather then getting upset about it, it gave it unconditional acceptance. That we all have sexuality and some of us choice to engage in it in different ways. It weird, I've always resented people sexuality (a weird effect of porn) but today I accepted that we are sexual beings. Less judgmental of the porn stars that behave in what I have but at the same time disassociated my self with it.
I need my own sex, rather than watching others people's sex.
Good night all.

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