Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Trip down memory lane

Went rock climbing.  Great way to clear your head.  I had a much easier time appreciating the women their without the "porn interference" (as with my last post, having cleared up the fact I don't want to "porn fuck" but rather want a companion.  Appreciating now is much easier now.

However, I noticed a few things.  I've always been shy around women, more often than not.  Like I don't want a woman know I'm looking at her, so I tend to look away when she looks back.  This happened today.  A bit of back and forth and later as she walked by when I was preparing to leave, she gave me ample excuse to look back but I didn't, even though I knew she was looking for it.  Why couldn't I just give her the satisfaction of know I'm checking her out?

I was trying to figure out why this is.  At first I was thinking it was "shame".  The part of me was looking at them like porn and if anyone saw me looking at pored I'd be ashamed/look away.  So because I'm so used to looking at them in the scoop of porn, I got used to looking away.   Make sense?  But then I realized it goes deeper than that because I was always like that.  Even when I was really young for some reason I thought it was really bad for a girl to know that I like her.  I remember when I was in elementary school my mom was taking me to the house of my crush and I begged her to cover my mouth with her hand when we spoke to them because I knew I wouldn't be able to keep myself from smiling around her...and I thought it would be a bad if the girl saw me smiling.   I don't know where I learned that from.

I do remember one horrifying time where my worst nightmare came true.  It was my 7th grade trip to Washington DC.  For some reason I got placed in the group with all the popular girls.  It was nerve racking and a dream come true.  I finally got to speak with them and flirt with them.  There was one in particular.  We got along so well, it was amazing.  And we were flirting we each other and inseparable.  It was so obvious they everyone knew.  Some guys came over and made fun that I was flirting with her so much. I had to keep face that I denied it.  Eventually a girl friend of mine came over to talk and asked me if I liked her, and I didn't want to admit it, but finally I did.  I didn't realize that the most popular girl was right behind us and the very moment I said yes, she came out of no where and look at me in shock, "WHAT?! OH MY G-D! No way, I have to tell her"; her voice and face was as to say - "are you out of your mind. What a joke."   She and the other popular girls ran over to the girl I was flirting with and started laughing as hard as they could and making fun of me liking her.  The girl I was flirting...she just made a look of like - "Uuukkk! Disgusting."  These days I don't blame her, what could she have about your peer pressure.

I yelled at my friend who got me to say I like her (but she genuinely didn't know the other girl was listening and was going to do what she did but I didn't believe her at the time).  I was so humiliated, I wanted to cry, a voice inside even told me, better to cry than do what you are about to do...which was, refusal to let them see me cry, I hardened my soul and I vowed never to let or show a girl I liked her again.  It was a pretty lonely trip after that.  

Interesting yet, when ever women would flirt with me after that, I never believe it, I always thought was were just messing with me...I often took signs of no interest as interest because well, at least they weren't playing with my head by flirting with me.  There were so many times I didn't make moves because well, "they aren't interested in me, they're flirting with me."  Don't get me wrong, there were times I flirted, and had a girlfriend here or there get the point.

It sad that we allow these things that happen when we are young to affect us like they do.  Porn was a lot easier then a girl "pretending" to like you.  You don't have that emotional vulnerability that comes with having a real relationship.  Porn is the worst because the "hot girl" is still be fucked by some other guy and you still at home jerking off, watching it - even sadder.

Anyway, I have a date tomorrow night.  It was arranged through someone else.  I haven't met her yet.   We shall see...

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