Sunday, November 20, 2011

Relapse Worry!

This morning I woke up with with aggressive sexual urges.  I did grind a little bit in my bed.  I can see why its easy to relapses, I just got the hint of wanted to cum and I realized I had to stop because I'm sensitive enough and don't want to risk it.    The fantasy was based on a woman I meet in a bar years ago (another missed opportunity - and an important point, keep reading).  The whole morning I wanted to "fuck" a woman.   Yes some of of it is porn influenced (I haven't been looking at porn, more of a learned behavior I guess) but I think this is a urge I naturally have.  I accepted that is one aspect of my sexuality and not its entirety, so I felt much more comfortable with it, so I went on with my day.  I did notice that while I wasn't getting "full erections" by any stretch of imagination I do believe that there is more blood in my penis (harder) than before going abstience.

I went rock climbing again today.  A good time, I felt good, but I didn't get the high from last time but I did tire myself out.  I noticed I'm getting stronger.  I can climb and hold longer.

I did notice some looks from women today which was nice.  I had an awkward situation with one of them.  Let me explain:

This woman and I were continually making glances at each other for a while.  However, I'm not looking to get involved right now (various reasons).  Additionally, I went with a friend today and wanted to focus on climbing.  The woman eventually came over to where I was in the gym but with her male friend.  MY friend, an issuance sales man, does his best to introduce himself to everyone, so he started talking to her friend about climbing and they got into their own conversation.  At which point she turned her attention right at me.  I can be shy but add the compounding confusion of her guy friend being right there, me not looking to get involved, among another things, I choose not to say anything.   Due to this, I noticed her posture change, she was pissed, she wouldn't look at me.  I was sad that I may have made her feel bad.   However, when she was leaving we walked right past each other and she lip sealed smiled and I gave one back.  She also looked back at me before she left.  Very frustrating.  (BTW, I know most of you are going to focus on this point of how I should have spoken to her, etc, etc, there are other issues at play her that I'm not going to speak about but it was a no go.)

I definitely did a mental scan of her body and her face.  Its in my head.  I realized as I am preparing for bed that those feelings of wanting to 'fuck' on turning towards her.  Additionally, a lot of my masturbation and fantasy in the past has been based on missed opportunities - as if I am "doing" what I missed out on.

I don't want to relapse!  Every time I push her out of my head, of course another woman from the gym pops in my head - if you've ever wondered where are the beautiful women are hiding (its ridiculous!).  I have a database of 4 from today, LOL.  This is why I mentioned a hotline!  1-800-HELP-ME-I'M-GOING-TO-JERK OFF - lol.

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