1. Yesterday I went into the bathroom and for the first time in a long time I had stage fright. There was only one urinal and a much larger man had just finished using it. I was going to go pee but part of me said "I'm not peeing in front of him." In addition, he didn't leave the bathroom. He seemed to be just standing there, so I wouldn't let myself pee. I felt humiliated. I kept thinning that he was thinking "Ha, he can't pee in front of me." I looked over to him briefly like "What the F*ck"? When I finally gave up and let the urinal, he explained his belt broke and was trying to fix it. Maybe there was nothing wrong with me, just an instinct that the guy was not to be trusted and not to let my guard down by peeing. That every happen to anyone else?
2. Interesting, I'm starting to go through the "process of elimination" of the women from my office, in terms of who I'm, going to have a crush on. Its kind of like seeing straighter :-) Some are to as attractive as I thought they were, some of their behavior is a turn off, etc. Some of them are more attractive some days than others. But its more based on "natural" attractive and rather than that weird feeling I had toward women when I was watching porn.
3. I notice that I am being more aggressive in terms of checking women the last few days, while at the same time keeping the porn related thoughts out of my head. I used to feel ashamed by checking out women. Now that I've eliminated pmfo, I can just appreciate a beautiful woman for being beautiful with out "pornoizing" them, and that feels great. Now its like, "Yes thats right, I'm checking you out, because I find you attractive." I also feel like if they were to catch me checking them out I would be more comfortable smiling at them or saying Hi, where as with PMFO I would turn and shy away. However, yesterday a VERY attractive woman noticed me and started to smile but I will admit, I was totally intimated and looked away. :-( However, I do remind myself not to leer.
4. I HAD DREAMS LAST NIGHT. Not wet dreams but vivid dreams. In one of the dreams I did make out with a woman. We kept talking and talking and finally I had to kiss her and I knew she wanted me to kiss too. It was nice dream. I also had another dream where someone told me about a potential date, so I went to where the woman worked to check her out. Guess where she worked? In a Meat Market! LOL.
5. This morning I fantasized and rubbed my self only BRIEFLY. Like for a split moment and I argued against myself not to do so. Its so much easier to get out of bed when I don't F and M. Also, last night when I started in with the fantasies, I scolded myself. I said either I engage in the real stuff or I don't engage in anything at all! I was able to go to be a lot easier after that.
Anyway, today is day 34 and 37 of no O. Things are looking good but I am taking one day at a time and thats it.