Thursday, November 17, 2011

Sleep & Dream

So as usual, I'm only getting into bed after midnight last night but I did take melatonin and had some camomile tea around 10:30pm.  I actually woke up much earlier than usually.  I was out of bed around 6:30am which is amazing for me.  I think one of the reason is because before I went to bed I did a recounting of my day and thought about what is important to me.  Yesterday I began to really internalize how important praying in the morning is to me and how I don't want to have to rush through it or quickly make it up later in the day (as I usually due because I wake up late).  I notice that my day at work is always more productive if I've prayed in the morning.  Which is why I think I wasn't so focused on sex  fantazing this morning.  However...

...I did have a very odd dream before I woke up.  I had already began the waking up process, as I was no longer in a deep sleep but I was definitetly sleeping and dreaming.  The dream was basically trying to get me to engage in a fantasy and to masturbate to something sexual that I am principally aganist (though it is legal, I don't want to say what is because everyone has something they are principally against, so maybe you can relate to trying to fight you individual urge of your addiction to M to something you are opposed to).  I kept saying no, but it keep drawing me in further and further, showing me more humiliating images, it was like I was being propelled in but it was my something inside me saying no and arguing against those those trying to draw me in.  And you know what?  I was able to overcome and I smoothly woke up out of the dream and not have those feelings remain and most importantly completely undisturbed.

I think thats a good sign.  I think I'm showing to my self I don't want to go any further with this sexual depravity that PMFO is and I want to start doing what I desire do rather than following the desires of pornographers.  The dream also shows that even if we feel out of control and propelled into engage in porn we don't want to see, as long as we use our inner voice and keep telling our selfs no, and arguing against the urges, not matter how much they seem to control us, we CAN "wake up" from this addiction and be undisturbed by it.

Afterwords, I did have a few urges to fantasize about normal things (like the first girl I err kissed) but I was able to control them.  I just got happy while write that because the morning has always been such a difficult time for me to control MF and O.

Anyway have a WONDERFUL DAY :-)

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