I noticed that my penis had a lot more sensitivity this morning, and that was just from naturally brushing it while rolling over. I fought the urge to fantasize and to prevent myself from rubbing myself into the bed. I wasn't successfully. My fantasies, as most often, are about missed opportunities and wow do I have a lot of them. During the fantasies I do find my self trying to fight against them. Even though the "skin" seems sensitive, I didn't get an erection.
Often during fantasying an during my PMO days, I often found my self putting myself in the role of the woman. I often found this easier and more relaxing and I could cum quicker. If you look at most porn the man is the work horse not showing an outward sign of enjoyment and the woman is just sitting back and have a great experience. Hello, who wouldn't want to be the one not having to do much and just take pleasure. Truth is though, I'm straight and would much rather be the one giving pleasure.
This morning I fought myself from fantasying as the women, when in the past I would and would cum very quickly (mostly because I would relax). I think I did that because I think it is a bit painful to think of myself as the guy with a hard on but I don't have one (I need to start putting a lot less pressure on myself and just know that the erections are GOING to come back it just going to take a little time). What is also odd, is I used to often fantasize about being a woman (often a missed connection) sleeping with myself. I think a lot of that also has to do with loneliness. Making myself my own hook up - how pathetic.
Last night I went to be realizing that I am very lonely. A lot of my porn viewing was to due my (self imposed) loneliness for sure. It was easier than taking the risk of being rejected, even when you know they woman likes you. Why? Relationships are "involving". Porn is a simulation of just the good stuff. Relationships, even when its just friends with benefits, takes some sort of effort and attachment. Its easier to just secluded yourself to your bedroom, watch porn, be depressed...it takes not effort. Since being abstinent (no pmfo), I really one to be WITH a woman both sexually and as a friend.
I am at my parents for Thanksgiving, its amazing how many old urges come back. I'm proud I haven't given in. If I don't give in here, I will most likely not give in anywhere.